Victim of a Mania

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the luxuriant
soft light
inside plush parish houses
walls depicting
the strewn martyr himself
half man, half god
the delicate oils cracked
to reveal
the new monstrous fresco
art of our ages
where shape and form
becomes hideous, broken truth
a fresh pulse
behind the ageing terrain
of blackened landscapes
the saintly shuffling
of preying artefacts
sat there in those parish houses
large, obscene
sat there in red and ivory
their callous collars,
decorative, villainous,
choking
a curfew on there beliefs
for them,
to them.
.a mesh of divine symbols
is still
a swastika

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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 633 • Replies: 7

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That makes me feel uncomfortable Sad

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Re: Victim of a Mania
Maybe I am reading this all wrong but...here goes.

jonc wrote:

the luxuriant
soft light
inside plush parish houses
walls depicting
the strewn martyr himself
half man, half god

Change to "house" instead of the plural. Easier to say.
This sounds like it should be "depict" and end (or pause) after "half god".

jonc wrote:

the delicate oils cracked
to reveal
the new monstrous fresco
art of our ages
where shape and form
becomes hideous, broken truth

"become" instead of "becomes"

jonc wrote:

a fresh pulse
behind the ageing terrain
of blackened landscapes
the saintly shuffling
of preying artefacts
sat there in those parish houses
large, obscene

comma (pause) after "landscapes". Needs an end after "obscene"

jonc wrote:

sat there in red and ivory
their callous collars,
decorative, villainous,

needs and end here after "villanious"

jonc wrote:

choking
a curfew on there beliefs
for them,
to them.
.a mesh of divine symbols
is still
a swastika

While you have a lot of description, I had a hard time picturing this in my head. The flow of the poem makes it difficult to read and I wasn't sure what you were going for. It is dramatic and intense but why is it dramatic and intense? I can't really see the reason why I feel that way about it. Am I inside a museum? Or looking at an actual historic scene? Reading a book?

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yeah
your reading it all wrong
thanks for the English lesson though
instead of rewriting my poems you should write your own

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She's just trying to help, man. Don't get pissed when people post what they think about your poems when you post them on the internet. Just embrace the fact that you could change it and make it better.

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The problem is that if something is written badly, no matter how great the sentiment is it provides some people with an urge to correct it. It's like an itch that you can't scratch.

If you improve your technique then you're taken far more seriously - so don't get mad at her just accept it, rewrite it and then it looks and reads far better

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If you don't want criticism then don't write. Ever. No one get's by in writing without some criticism.

And they are suggestions. I didn't say you had to change anything. I just suggested what would make the poem better for me.

Jeeze. Rolling Eyes

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recklesssarcastic wrote:

She's just trying to help, man. Don't get pissed when people post what they think about your poems when you post them on the internet. Just embrace the fact that you could change it and make it better.

bekaboo wrote:

The problem is that if something is written badly, no matter how great the sentiment is it provides some people with an urge to correct it. It's like an itch that you can't scratch.

If you improve your technique then you're taken far more seriously - so don't get mad at her just accept it, rewrite it and then it looks and reads far better

Thanks guys... Smile

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Victim of a Mania

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