Need your opinion on new family situation

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Hello. I have met this wonderful man more than a year and a half ago. We both are adults in our late fourties. We both divorced with children. Mine all grown and he has a 9 year old daughter. We are getting along fine, are in love and planning to get married soon.
We have one big problem though... and this problem is not letting me to be completely happy with my man...
When he was getting divorce, his daughter was 7 years old and to smoothe the transition for her he and his family decided to keep his ex included in the family, have her present at all family gatherings and functions. He and his ex not exactly getting along, communication between them broken and difficult. But he went along with advise of his brother and psychologist to accept the arrangement for the sake of his daughter.
Since then he has met me and our children met each other. We all get along fine, spending a lot of time together. His daughter accepted me and very happy to find out that we are planning to get married.
At first, by request of my now fiancée I tried to join his family gatherings where his ex was present. I found it extremely uncomfortable.
In my culture it is not normal to have two women of the same man to be at the same place sitting across the table and hanging out together. I am not jealous of her, not competing with her and have no insecurities. But I feel that I can’t be myself in her presence. Just can’t. Tried multiple times and feel that I am forcing myself to do something that conflicts with my whole nature.
I tried talking to him multiple times explaining how I feel, but while being sympathetic to my feelings, he says that he can’t do anything about the situation as his ex will always be his child’s mother and she will always be included in his family gatherings. I should say that majority of family events are hosted at his mother’s place and she is adamant to keep his ex included in the family. Forever. I am struggling... I feel that I don’t want to go with him... I feel not welcome. I feel that his mother chose his ex as her ‘daughter in law’ and do not care about my feelings and my fiancée feelings (as he recently started to realize that situation is wrong).
I am willing to compromise and agreed to be friendly with his ex when I see her at my fiancée daughters school or at other events where the child involved. I also agreed to be present along with her mother at girls birthday party once a year.
My fiancée and I tried talking to his mother in hopes that she will understand me and my feelings and will help us to make an adjustment and not invite his ex to her parties. His mother is not willing to understand. She said that I am a big girl and have to pull up my big girls panties and just do it...
I need your view on our situation. I need advice. I feel that if he continues going there without me, it will draw the wedge between him and myself and will not help to continue building healthy relationship between us...
I am also concerned that we are playing with his daughters mind... Where it is normal to her that she thinks that her family is still her mother, father and her and just about to grow by two more people. I was talking to my fiancé about it and convinced that we need to explain meaning of divorce to his daughter and that now she will have two families - one is her mother and her and the other that includes her father (my fiancée), me and both of our daughters.
Talking direct to his ex about the situation is out of question. She has a temper and has tendency to twist everything that has been said to her (based on my experience)

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@belleriverjf,

belleriverjf wrote:

this problem is not letting me to be completely happy with my man.

You've clearly made your decision. Best to break things off if you are not going to be able to help your boyfriend with his parenting responsibilities.

The reality is that your bf's daughter has parents and they both have rights and responsibilities to be actively involved in her life. She takes priority right now. Her parents have only been divorced for about two years. It is right and correct that both parents attend parties for her together - that family events include her and her parents.

___

If you want to continue the relationship instead of breaking up - you are going to have to do the work to make things easy for your bf's daughter, her mother and your future in-laws. It may involve counselling for you on your own, as well as you and your boyfriend together.

Have you and your bf discussed hosting events yourselves? inviting a smaller group of family members? this is something a counsellor might help you move toward.

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@belleriverjf,

belleriverjf wrote:

now she will have two families - one is her mother and her and the other that includes her father (my fiancée), me and both of our daughters.

not really

she has one family. different parts of the family may live in different places and the family may be expanding but she has one family.

__

Get professional help on getting past your discomfort.

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What are these family “gatherings”? Daughters birthday? Or just Sunday dinner at Grandmas?

I think that for big events, like the daughters first communion, Mother’s Day, expext the mother to be there. Bite the bullet and just go with the flow. We parents and exes always did this in my family. You just get thru it. The children saw the adults in their lives get along.

But she should not be invited for EVERY event or dinner and your husband needs to talk to his mother about that. Or host these parties yourselves, at your own home when you have visitation days with her. .

Don’t worry about this child “understanding divorce” Most likely she understands it very well. She will be watching the interaction between her mother and you. Be a model for gracious acceptance. It’s so much easier than getting all stresses out about it.

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@PUNKEY,

Yes, she is invited to every event, not only to her daughter’s birthday party, but all of the family gatherings, such as Easter, Memorial Day gathering, Christmas, every Birthday (for other family members).
I stated above that in attempts to compromise, I have agreed to attend Girls Birthday celebration along with her mother.
Thank you for your advice. I will try approach of having our own celebrations.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Thank you for your advice. My fiancée is a good father to his daughter. Yes, he did what had to be done at the beginning, but now we have a slightly adjusted situation. I think we should be respectful to each other, but having his ex at EVERY event is a bit too much

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@ehBeth,

Why do you think we have to break up? I am trying to find an alternative solution or compromise. I value any advice, but want to hear from people who has been in my shoes and know exactly what I am talking about, not just theoretical ‘right and wrong’

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@ehBeth,

I am talking to the psychologist and he thinks that the best solution would be for my fiancée’s ex to stop coming to his family gatherings on her own... ‘Move on with her life’ sort of thing...

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@belleriverjf,

Nothing theoretical about it. I opted out of a similar situation. Realized the children had to come first. Their relationship with both parents was more important long-term than my relationship with their father. It was the right thing to do.

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There is nothing normal when his ex is invited by his mother to each and every family gathering. I think your bf should really talk to his mother to stop such invitations. What I understood is that he is a very good farther, also, that he has a very controlling mother who only thinks about her grand daughter, but doesn't think about her own son's happiness and mental health. I suppose your bf got divorced not to see his ex at every single family event? You mentioned that your bf doesn't have good communication with his ex - then the fact that his mother invites her son's ex to every gathering regardless of her son's wish tells me a lot about his mother. I am sure she loves her grand daughter, but does she love her own son? Does his mother enjoys such situations she puts her own son in? The situation that his mother puts both of you in is not healthy, and his mother's actions even come across as kind of sadistic. If your bf want to build his life with you - then he has to tell his mother to stop inviting his ex to every event. I you don't attend because his ex is there - he should not attend either - it might be the only way his mother would understand and respect the boundaries of her control over him and over other people. You sound like a very nice and caring lady, it is very good that you accept and treat his daughter well. This is very respectable. Please remember that you have very right to be happy and comfortable. If your bf is allowing somebody else to run his life, even if it is his mother, - are you sure he is the right man to build family with? Controlling mothers very often raise weak sons. They are often just scared boys inside. Make sure you make a right choice. Think about that before you get married to him. A man is only a man when he ensures his wife feels comfortable and welcome. I wish you to have a good husband, a real man.

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@belleriverjf,

The reality is that in many situations, the ex is part of the family forever. I've been to weddings where several sets of parents and siblings had roles in the wedding.

It is only two years since the divorce.

The child is nine.

Is the child's psychologist recommending her mother be less involved with the extended family?

__

Listen to Punkey's advice about being gracious. Show up to the family events. Be polite to everyone. Make it easy for everyone.

The family needs more than 2 years to end their relationship with the ex (if that is what they eventually choose to do). She is part of their family after more than a decade.

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@Guest11,

I agree with Guest.

This is a good chance to see where you stand in this relationship. If he can’t put you in an honorable place now, what about in the future?

See if he stands up to mother, and the ex, and - quite possibly a daughter - who does not have healthy female role models now.

See whether or not he can build a life with you apart from his mother’s manipulation. She should not be there for every event. Only major ines involving the welfare if their daughter ( school events, her birthday, etc.)

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@ehBeth,

My fiancée’s daughter is not seeing a psychologist. She seems to very well adjusted to the situation and accepted me

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@ehBeth,

I also have an ex, and while we will forever be related through our daughter, we are no longer a family with him. We are on speaking terms about our daughter but this is about it...
I am also mother of a grown up son. I would not invite his exes to my family events. Exes are exes for a reason. They should stay where they belong. In the past

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@ehBeth,

At the sons or daughters weddings - yes, not the ex's weddings, not every family gatherings? Do you really know many families where ex is present at every family event? Why then not to invite exes from both sides? I would really like to see the reaction of the other side if not only his ex appears, but also her ex. I would really enjoy the show, just need to get more comfortable in my chair and get some popcorn.

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@ehBeth,

It is not my intent to exclude her mother from the life of my fiancee’s daughter life. On the contrary, I am present and civil at all events that girl has outside of the family, where her mother is also present. I have no problems with crossing path with the ex when we exchange the child. My issue is his family events and unvillingness of his mother to hear me and compromise

1 Reply

@belleriverjf,

Your fiance's mother has no obligation to you in the regard of her grandchild. She is free to invite anybody to any family function as she sees fit. For you to demand she stop inviting the mother of her grandchild is over the top and simply is not going to happen.

That's why it was suggested you seriously should re-think your relationship.

Every divorce situation is different. You work yours one way and they have found how they want to proceed. It's not wrong or right, it's just how it is.

If you can't abide by it, I certainly understand. It's the one decision you do get to make.

1 Reply

@neptuneblue,

Wow... You are using such strong words. Obligation to me... Demand...
Where did I ever said this in my post?
I am trying to find a resolution or compromise in our situation where each side will be heard and considered. I am not trying to create conflict. I am trying to resolve it.
Thank you for your input. I value every opinion. My man and his daughter is extremely important to me, but at the same time I feel that my feelings and my boundaries should be respected as well.
Life is not one single isssue.. There will be many more as our relationship continue to progress. This is very natural. At this time I am trying to find a solution and this is what I was trying to do by writing my dilemma

1 Reply

@belleriverjf,

I understand you're trying to resolve a conflict and work towards a compromise. The thing is, they don't see it the same way you do. So, in order to compromise, leaves YOU in a position you really don't want to be in - excluded.

Have you really thought about what a compromise will actually look like?

Grandma will still host Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas and birthday parties. Except you'll be dis-invited because the biological mom will be there and grandma, using your own logic, will take you up on your offer to minimize conflict.

You'll get respect. At school functions like art shows, chorus/band concerts and graduation. All situations that reside out of grandma's family get together's will become mutual territory.

Again, you want to tell a grown woman who she can or can not invite to her own family's celebrations. I don't think that's going to work in your favor.

1 Reply

@neptuneblue,

I have asked my fiancée what would make him happy in given situation. The answer was that he wishes for his ex to stop coming on her own.
I feel we are in a tough place... There is no one that can help us to make his ex see that perhaps it is time for her to move on...

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