Need your opinion on new family situation

What is this culture you're from that frowns upon 2 women, one the mother of a child and former wife of a man, and the other the soon to be, or current wife, spending any time together?

No one else of persumably the same or similar culture has this issue. I frankly question if the father of the child really cares about it all that much, except for the fact that you keep bringing it up, and he just wants to have things run smoothly between the 2 of you.

This ex wife IS part of the family, whether you like it or not. You don't have to feel comfortable at the table, or at events where she also attends. There's always people at events that whether anyone else there realizes it or not, don't get along. Big deal.

You're in the presence of this other person for literally a few hours out of each month. You can't suck it up, put on your big girl pants and deal?

So you don't think I'm talking out of my ass, I've been married for 25 years (come January) to a man who at the time of our marriage had a daughter 13 years old, whom he had with a woman who'd he'd divorced from a few years earlier.

We've spent lots and lots of Xmas Eves, birthdays, graduations, weddings and other occassions together. Just a couple of weeks ago, ex wife, daughter (now 37 or 38) and I went to lunch. I wouldn't have chosen to call her and ask to go out to her, but her daughter asked us both, and neither of us thought anything of it.

So what? I've had people marvel at that, and I don't get it. I didn't break them up. They wanted to maintain a relationship because of the kid. She's a decent good person. The words "normal" and "culture" have no place in all of us getting along. It's our normal and our family culture.

If I didn't particularly like her, I still would have attended all the events over the decades, because frankly, we're both adults and don't insist everyone around us change things for me.

What? Are you going to, 25 years from now, still be bitching about some person he used to be involved with?

Don't be that person. Be an example to his daughter, and everyone else for that matter, of how people can co-exist and play quietly together.

So where's the daughter being asked what SHE would like to happen?

So, you (and maybe he) gets your way and mother is now excluded.

Some of the ways it may roll....

Daughter, not being told anything, because obviously she's not a consideration in any of this, sees mother is not showing up at events, and figures her mother doesn't love her, at least as much as she used too. Dtr misses mother, is confused, and wonders what she did wrong.

Daughter is told any number of things why mother no longer comes around to events. Either the truth that new step mother can't be an adult, and/or father doesn't want mother around. Or, an infinity of half truths, gossip and downright lies as to the why she can't see her mother.

Now she knows her mother is being kept from her because father can't get along (doesn't he love me anymore? Why is he hurting me?) That new step mother can't get along (Who is this person who came into my life and took me from my mother? Why would my father just let her take my mother from me? Why should I bother to listen to or even be nice to this horrible woman who has done this? Why should I be ok with my father doing this? I WANT MY MOTHER. I MISS HER)

You get the idea.

What is grandmother going to tell daughter? What is her mother going to tell her? Lies/half truths/truths, it doesn't matter.

Honestly? You don't like to be around the mother?

Tough.

Stop being so worried about being respected and listened to by others, and respect yourself. By that I mean be respectful of the situation, lighten up, and go with the flow.

Do you think it might traumatize his kid if she can't have her mother around for all the times she accustomed to?

Holy, people!! Are you serious?
Who is keeping the child from her mother and vice-versa?
You are making it more of an issue than it is!
In my culture we are saying ‘making an elephant from the fly’.
The girl is fine without her mother. For days. Don’t even ask to call her. I or her father have to remind her to call mommy (some times).
One of the respondents made valuable suggestion to me early on. I will adapt the approach she suggested.
We are all set

Nope. Happened before. The girl was perfectly fine. "Mommy is coming?"
"No". That's it!

So the kid loses out seeing her mother because it makes YOU too uncomfortable? How is that right in any way?

following this logic divorce must be illegal

When the kid is spending time with her father no matter what the kid loses out seeing her mother, when the kid is spending time with her mother - no matter what the kid loses out seeing her father. Should we make it mandatory (divorced or not) to see both parents at the same time 24/7?

You are being willfully obstinate. What OP is talking about is family holidays at grandma's house. Parties that Grandma invites both mother and father to. Now since dad has a new love, the new one doesn't want to get along wirh the old one and creates havoc until she gets her way.

OP is being petty about not sharing an afternoon with bio mom. The kid shouldn't have to be put in tbe middle of a jealous fiance. Suck it up for a few hours.

And again, I asked directly before....What IS your culture?

Yes, of course if you say to the child your mother is not coming to an event, she may be fine....or may be just saying she is fine.

Sure she needs to be reminded to call her mother, she's a child. Children need to be reminded of all sorts of things. From saying please and thank you, to wiping their butt properly, to calling their mother. So what? This doesn't mean she doesn't care.

You definately ARE keeping the child from her mother. You want her to see her mother only when it's convenient for you.

That said, children think and feel very deeply. And be very good at keeping these feelings hidden. They are much more savvy as to what is going on around them then many adults care to remember.

She's not an inanimate object that can be just moved around at others will. You can see mommy, but only on the terms we grownups who can't get along say you can see her. She knows that creating a hub bub about this is just going to make matters worse, and as a child, she may believe this will lead to her seeing her mother even less.

As far as making a mountain out of a mole hill, who is the adult that can't bear to sit in the same room with another person for a couple of hours, and needs to start a campaign of systematically pitting future mother in law against mother of child and against the father, the father against child, the child against everyone who is keeping her from seeing her mother as often as she now is, and even going so far as to put the onus on the child by saying that she doesn't care because she has to be reminded to call her mother.

You're a piece of work. You're not even married to the man yet, and it didn't escape my attention in your first post that you had to campaign to even be invited to family events.

Guess what? You're not family yet. The mother is, and always will be.

Why is this child not with her mother in the first place, and merely visiting her father on occassion?

If the situation was reversed, and the father was being told he could attend family events because his ex wife boyfriend just couldn't bear to be in the same room, would he just say "Sure, I don't mind not seeing my daughter as often as I can. I mean, I don't want to hurt my ex wifes boyfriend."

So what culture are you? What culture frowns upon a mother and child seeing each other, and caters to the discomfort of someone who in incapable of being an adult?

I also had a question how come the mother is not spending time with her own kid? How come the mother doesn't have gatherings for the kid and with the kid? Was the kid removed from the mother for some reason? Or the mother is simply too busy with her own life and now another woman has to help to raise the kid? I wanted to ask these questions, but this conversation became a trash can where some people are simply attacking the person who just asked for advise, the person they do not even know. Now I ask this question: What right the attackers have to allow personal attacks on someone who asked for advise? What culture is that?

Turn that around:

Why can't a man have custody of a minor child without a woman declared incompetent as a mother?

Why does a woman, who is not legally married to the father of a child, get to call what is appropriate or not at a family gathering that isn't even hers?

chai2 wrote:
"And again, I asked directly before....What IS your culture?"

- Frankly, she does't have to respond to such questions.

You failed to see that the one who is not legally married got to do what mother should do - take care of her kid and spend more time with her own kid, and in this case it is only responsibilities without rights, and even more. She is helping that family to raise their daughter/grand daughter while mother doing who knows what. Those who are happy to put all the responsibilities and all the chores of a mother on her shoulders are not even considerate of her feelings AT ALL. It would be easy to solve this issue - to have some parties with the kid's mother, the important ones, and have some smaller ones where the new future daughter-in-law would feel more comfortable.

Duh.

But it would be the thing to do since she’s the one who keeps bringing it up.

It’s a common tactic of people when they are asked to be accountable for themselves to develop sudden amnesia and/or selective memories.

I wonder if this culture she speaks of is an actual country or just the culture of “whiney ass women who need to create drama” She’s not going in the right direction in endearing herself to her MIL, other family members, or the girl.

As someone is IS divorced and re-married, my opinion is different than yours. I understand the plight of being the new person coming into an established family unit, and I feel your advise is not even close to reality.

Experience & knowledge has taught me that children need BOTH parents in their lives. That's a non-negotiable item. Marriages comes and go but children are always there. Divorce Court motto is "the BEST interest of the child," not what is convenient for a new main squeeze.

In that sense, I feel you have no practical or legal experience with a divorce situation. The advice OP has gotten is from people who have been there and understand what the OP is doing is NOT going to last as a long term commitment.

Maybe you could set aside your obvious discontent with being an odd person out and be more compassionate of what being divorced with minor children actually does entail, instead of coming to the defense of a jealousy-ridden person.

My money is that the OP and this Guest11 character are the same person, as they pretty much showed up at the same time, and have the same agenda.

Personal attacks again on somebody who disagree with your point of view. Remember, everyone has a right to express their opinion. I guess it is not easy for some convinced in their own righteousness to stay civil, but at least good to try.

That would be a good start for OP to be civil, don't you think?

Everybody should stay civil, without exception. Best to start with yourself before telling other to do so.