Need your opinion on new family situation

Please take this to heart.

There is no "we" in a tough spot. It's "you." YOU are in a tough spot.

You met a man barely six months out from a divorce, with a small child. A year and a half later, he wants to remarry without having healed from his prior relationship. If he were, he wouldn't be in the situation he's in.

Again, I strongly urge you to look at this relationship in a new light. You're asking him to help his x to move on when it really should be you.

I see no upside to this for you.

20 minutes ago from a friend of a dance friend



emphasis added

"There is no "we" in a tough spot. It's "you." YOU are in a tough spot." - If they are a couple it is always "WE"

Why? Because your husband still harbors ill feelings towards her?
The thing is, your husband's child may enjoy having her mom around. If an aunt or uncle or cousin of her's is celebrating at the grandmother's home, then what's wrong with the child's mother being there? She has been part of the family for a number of years now. Just Because your husband is divorced from her, doesn't mean anybody else is or should be.

Also take a read of what ehBeth posted about her friend who is like a daughter to her former mother in-law. Maybe that is how your husband's mother thinks of your husband's ex.

Thank you for your opinion. I don’t think you have read what I have wrote carefully enough. I ASKED him what HE would like to happen in our situation. I received my answer

Possible tip for compromise: Grandma can only decide who to invite to her own place, not to your place. Sometimes it is better if the kids see happy parents separately than together but unhappy.

Do you think it might traumatize his kid now if you leave him? Did the kid get to love you and your girl? How do you think it would affect both kids? If the answer is "yes", "most probably" - may be it is better to try to find a compromise.

"...he wants to remarry without having healed from his prior relationship. If he were, he wouldn't be in the situation he's in." - how do you make such assumptions? Please explain, what situation do you think he should be in to tell you otherwise? How do you know how many years they actually did not have normal relationship before they legally got divorced? How do you know all the things that we here don't? Did you ask him if he is healed from the past or not? The fact that his mother decided to have his ex around does not tell anything about him " without having healed". Didn't you read that they are happy together? Why don't you think that if his love leaves him today he would be heart broken? Why to think that not having girl's mother around on some of the occasions would harm the kid, but easily advising to have the kid to loose her new caring stepmother and stepsister who, may be, just may be the kid already loves and got attached to?

Hi Guest,

I'll try to be as sensitive as I can to the situation OP is facing. Divorce is never easy. There's no set rules one must follow to ensure life after divorce will be happier and more meaningful than it was while married. Having said that, there are multiple red flags here. To ignore them sets up the relationship for failure.

Compromise is a nice concept but that isn't what OP is after. To her, compromise means bio mom loses out on family functions that includes her own daughter and step mom takes over. Right there, is a source of contention. Yes, I am divorced and remarried, so yes, I do know what I'm talking about.

Here are the red flags from the OP's post:

-We have one big problem though... and this problem is not letting me to be completely happy with my man...There's always going to be rough patches where Happiness will not always be present.

-he and his family decided to keep his ex included in the family. Hey, it works for them.

-In my culture it is not normal to have two women of the same man to be at the same place sitting across the table and hanging out together. Well, in his culture, it is.

-while being sympathetic to my feelings, he says that he can’t do anything about the situation as his ex will always be his child’s mother and she will always be included in his family gatherings. An appropriate response in a divorce situation.

-His mother is not willing to understand. She said that I am a big girl and have to pull up my big girls panties and just do it... Healthy relationships includes boundaries, this one is his mom's.

-- I feel that if he continues going there without me, it will draw the wedge between him and myself and will not help to continue building healthy relationship between us...That seems reasonable.

- I was talking to my fiancé about it and convinced that we need to explain meaning of divorce to his daughter and that now she will have two families - one is her mother and her and the other that includes her father (my fiancée), me and both of our daughters. This is wrong on so many levels it would take pages to explain.

-Talking direct to his ex about the situation is out of question. She has a temper and has tendency to twist everything that has been said to her (based on my experience) Yes, I wouldn't act nicely if a proposed step mom tried to come between me and my child.

This is the reason why healing after divorce is crucial. OP doesn't see these red flags, or at least minimizes how contentious they actually are. There's no compromise in certain situations. It just is. Again, I see no upside to what OP is doing. It's best to back out gracefully and find someone else who doesn't have small children to consider.

Hmmm...
Thank you for taking your time and going over every point...
Interestingly enough, when I responded to his mother that by her logic, I now should include my ex into their family gatherings, the answer was "it is not a good idea". Why do you think I got this kind of answer?

Also, in my initial post I have never stated that I want to come in between girl and her mother and take over

Yes, most definitely it would affect both children at this point. I have managed to build solid relationship with his daughter and both of our girls are attached to each other. I could even say they do love and care about each other.
My man doesn't want me to leave. He says he needs me. Again, we are adults in our late forties and by this time in life know what is it we want and need

I am not trying to stop them from having and continuing their relationship with his ex.
I have described situation from my side. I have been raised in different culture. I have my understanding and boundaries as well. He chose me knowing where I am coming from. He has many years of experience with people from my culture.
Have I known that his ex will be present every step of the way back day one, I wouldn't even give him a chance. His answer to to my question why he didn't tell me from the beginning that this will be the case, he say he didn't know how it will work out...
He also told me that in ideal situation he would prefer not to see his ex.

His mother recently (after my post here) sent me this message:
"You have made (my man) very happy. We would like to get to know you. Even though his actual divorce is quite recent, they have not been a “couple” for years. The conventional wisdom is to not jump from one relationship directly into another. He did not take the decompression time off that you did. I feel that if you give it time, it will work itself out.

We, (family), will always be a blended family. It appears to be the way with modern families. (Ex) is (Girl's) mother, and will always be included in family events. We, in no way, think of her with (my man). You are not competing with (Ex). You are invited for yourself and for your relationship with (my man)".

I have made changes to names (listed in brackets) for privacy. Everything else is quoted

Mother has made things clear: her granddaughters mother will be invited to every gathering where the child is. This is her cultural and emotional stand and it doesn’t look like it’s going to change.

Your man is not going to get himself involved between you abd his mother. Learn to live with this.

In the meantime, host your own gatherings and invite whomever you want.

Move on from this before it affects your health.

Oh, right, that is exactly what I suspected. Not a good idea for them to accept the father of your kid, but a must for your side to accept the mother of his kid. Very interesting. I wander what would happen if your parents decide to have majority of the family events at their place, and besides everybody else invite your ex. The same situation - but from your mother's side. Why then it would not be a good idea? Some people here distributing that rare case everywhere, posting here, on Facebook, and etc. - why? I suspect why. Because the case they show you as an example is not usual. They are trying to ignore the fact if it was usual - they would never even mention it anywhere, it is extraordinary amusement for them. It looks like the logic here is their way or highway. Only one kid's interest prevails, not the other one. Everybody else's feelings do not matter. Everybody else life do not matter, only one kid. But really? Kid's? Everybody is pretending. For the kid not to know the reality? Hide the reality? We all have to look white and fluffy. TO LOOK. Not necessary to be. You must accept it - we don't care about if it hurts you. You are not important here. If you leave - it will hurt more people - we don't care. His mother is telling you to go with what she decided. Very self-serving. She is pushing it down your throat. She doesn't want her son to be hurt if you leave. She is ok if you are hurt. "Just do it" Against you culture, against your nature. Instead she has to respect your decision if you cannot accept it. Remember, we just LOOK white and fluffy. The same for politicians - say what they want to hear and kiss babies, pose for the picture. That is how it looks. But really? The question is it for the kid? Or for grandma? To satisfy her need to control.

Let's not hide from facts of life. Kids grow up and move on with their lives, people do not live forever, life is short and very fragile. At the end it will be mostly only two of you to love and care about each other.

Well, this is not entirely correct at this point. I have mentioned to my man (not his mother) that from now on I will have to invite my ex to their family gatherings and he said "ok, lets try this". If I would want to break up, I would have done just that. There is 2 problems though... We haven't asked his mother again (her response listed above is from last summer) and I have split with my ex for the reason that I don't want to have him in my life anymore... Why would I spoil my, my daughters, my new man and his family holidays?

To answer to you what would happen if my parents decide to invite my ex to their family celebrations. I would have turned around in the doorway. I would take my daughter with me. I would say to them "please let me know when he is not going to be here and then my daughter and I will try to visit again". But, again, this is how it is done in MY CULTURE. Very different from how it is done here...

That was not an advise, that was a hypothetical question about his mother reaction, not about his reaction. Looks like your bf is very understanding unlike his mother. That is why I think there is a big chance that you both can make it work one way or the other.

Ironically, when his daughter will be graduating, we will be close or in our sixties...
My man had a rough life... Some of it his own fault, and some - very unfortunate events that have shaped his future... He was unlucky in love and I am also... A lot of baggage...
Amazingly, I have managed to fall in love with him. Hard.
"We" are working. Aside from all what was written above. We are adults, with our habits, understandings and routines... We click and there is no personal problems between us... How rare is that?
I know his life story and he knows mine.
Not only I get along with his daughter and he is with mine, but we actually like spending time together. We love each other.
A lot of people here seeing it as black and white, only right or wrong.
It is sad to me to read some of the responses...

I shared this post with my man.
He read all the read flags and at the large extent he agrees that they are valid. He is just not agreeing with their conclusion. He wants me to stay

I know one family, his mother was not very accepting of the guy's fiancee, the woman did not feel welcome, many things were happening, I am not going to describe all the conflicts they had, but they still got married. They have a good family for many years now, love each other, unfortunately to make it work he had to take his mother out of the picture. Now his mother is complaining that her son doesn't want to visit her much. I guess the mother wanted him to stay alone and live his mother's life instead of his own. He realized that his mother was after her own agenda, his happiness was not the highest priority. The mother basically made him choose between her and his woman, and he made his choice - to have his own family, to have his own life. The fact is that his mother made him choose forever affected the relationship between them. When I asked him to call and visit his mother more - he told me that the fact he is happy with his wife does't make his mother happy, this tells him that his mother has an ego that is bigger that her love to her own son.

People here can still try to push down other people's throats that mushy story about ex-husbands, ex-wives, ex-in-laws living happily all together ever after, they can even justify cults with many wives/husbands. Who cares? Other people have failed their relationships. Doesn't mean that you would.

You might want to take into consideration others' points of view if you find some of that useful, yet Follow Your Heart

leave it and starts a happy life with your man