Back owed support

mtrejos,

Welcome to A2K. We're glad you are here.

I am terribly sorry to hear about your divorce and custody battles that you are having with your husband (is he your ex yet?) Custody battles are never, ever an easy battle and my best advice to you, if you have not already retained the services of a good divorce attorney, to do so now.

Custody does not always go to the parent who makes the most money and it seems odd to me that a mediator would tell you that you would have to obtain government assistance rather than child support from your ex if you did indeed get custody of your children....That's how I interpreted that part of your message and please correct me if I am wrong..

What the courts WILL look at (or are supposed to look at) is what is in the best interest of the child. Often times a joint custody arrangement can be negotiated to ensure that each child is given the benefit of having BOTH parents in their lives as equal figures. Even if the joint custody agreement states that the children live with one parent and visit the other on certain days or certain weekends, the non-custodial parent is still supposed to have liberal visitation with the children. Often times the courts will look at each parent and asess who they feel will be the most likely to ensure liberal visitation with the other parent and place the childrens physical custody with that parent.

Sadly, there are so many factors that come into play with custody rights, that it would be impossible to address them all here.

Please, definitely find an attorney familiar with custody laws in your particular state and don't be afraid to stand up for your rights once you have been made aware of them!

I wish you the best of luck and please feel free to keep coming back here and posting updates as you go. We have a couple of very intelligent and caring attorneys here that might be able to give you much better advice than I, so stick around, ok?

Welcome, mtrejos:

If you don't already have a good family law attorney to represent your interests, then you should retain one.

Courts will often continue the custody arrangements that the parents formulated on their own.

Without filing for divorce and without obtaining a court order with respect to interim custody of the children and use of property while the divorce was pending, you and your husband agreed to an informal separation.

You voluntarily left your home with the purported purpose of finding a job and establishing yourself in a new home. You agreed that the children would live with their father until you were ready to take them. It does not appear that you did any advance planning or preparation and that reestablishing yourself in the job market and in a new home might have taken several months.

I'm not sure how long it was after you left the family home and until you were ready to take custody of the children, but you did mention that you were "always" sending him money every month. Inasmuch as the children were staying with the father apparently for several months during the initial informal separation before a divorce action was filed, a court will generally continue that arrangement unless it's clearly NOT in the best interests of the children.

I understand that you were probably very depressed and unhappy in your marriage and that you left an unhappy situation with the hope of making life better for yourself and, in turn, for your children. However, in the meantime, while you were working on getting your life together, SOMEONE had to be taking care of the children. Your husband fullfilled that parental obligation.

The children are living with their father while the divorce is pending. The children are experiencing months and months of continuity and stability with their father. That is a factor that will weigh heavily in your husband's favor. Ultimately, there will be a final judgment of divorce that decides all issues of child custody, child support, and property.

The thing that strikes me the most is your concentration on yourself and what you want. You wrote:



Custody decisions are never made with respect to what is fair or unfair to the parents. The only issue before the court is the best interests of the children. You don't say that your children are mistreated or that their needs are not being met in their father's care. Instead, you focus on yourself and say YOU really NEED your kids back with YOU.

Certainly, gaining custody of your children may relieve the depression YOU feel -- but the court is not in the business of granting custody of children to the parent who needs them the most to be happy. Once you understand that the best interests of the children are the only concern, then you will be in a better position to understand that your children also need an emotionally stable mother.

Whether you are the custodial parent or the noncustodial parent, you will still always be the children's mother. If you are depressed, you ought to seek professional counseling so that you can be an emotionally healthy parent. Even if you aren't the custodial parent, you still have a right to maintain a meaningful relationship with your children -- and your children have a right to maitain a meaningful relationship with you.

You can still go to their school functions, volunteer to be a room mother or help out with other class activities, attend their recreational activities and games, attend PTA meetings, and spend meaningful time with them through liberal visitation. Even if you're not the custodial parent, you can still be an active participant in your children's lives -- if that's what you want.

Your children don't want a depressed mother who cries that life is unfair because she's not the custodial parent. Your children want a happy, emotionally-stable mother who will always be there for them regardless of the circumstances.

As far as your child support issue, a good family law attorney should be able to get you credit for the child support that you have already paid.

Best wishes!

mtrejos,

DebraLaw was exactly who I was hoping would answer your question! Listen to her great advice...she is one very smart woman and I am very happy that she is here for us. Thank you, Debra!