Fear of Abandonment and my BF Leaving for Years.

Forums: Usa, Relationship, Moving, International Travel, Help
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First, let me explain us and the relationship progress for you.

Him:
His values stem from his parents sending him abroad and letting him experience various cultures from all over the world. His sister died at a young age, from a genetic condition his family shares, were sharp temperature and humidity changes can cause the blood vessels in the body to rupture or tumor. This has caused him abandonment issues and feelings of helplessness. He has stated several times that his previous girl-friends were emotionally codependent and abusive to him (Using him as a wallet or sole caretaker) while he is a sado-masochist. He has developed a very objective way of thinking, self-improvement, atheist beliefs, and defensiveness. Education: Sophomore - Business. Age: 27

Me:
My experiences stems from my father's job moving my family every 3-4 years within the USA and vacation visits to Canada or Mexico. I also have abandonment issues because none of my friends remained in contact with me after I moved. However, my brothers are mentally disabled and showed physical abuse to my parents and I (such as randomly punching us without reason). My ex-boyfriends have used me for sexual relief, dominance issues, or a wallet. I have also developed a very objective way of thinking, self improvement, independence, and minor christian beliefs. Education: Senior - Business Development and Entrepreneurship. Age: 31

Us:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months now. We met at my college and both of us are very similar in thinking styles, objectives, and values. We both show slight antisocial, distrust, and care tendencies due to our abandonment issues and loss of friends/family. We both moved to our current areas several years ago and the effects on his psyche was stronger than mine (He went through a severe period of immaturity).

We stayed together through some rough patches by helping each other or giving advice. Although he has stated he is a saco-masochist, he has been respectful towards my boundaries if something scares me or causes discomfort. I've done the same for him, through asking him about what his boundaries are and respecting those. Our communication is strong and we don't judge each other often.

This all leads up to my reason for asking your help. He has been feeling nostalgic and missing his friends in other countries and unhappiness from this. He believes that he will be happier in Germany or the EU because he can see his friends while pursuing a degree under a free educational system.

Last night, he told me that he feels like America is very aesthetic, fake, money oriented, and lacks subsistence. It caused me to feel like he is saying I don't fulfill his emotional needs and he is seeking happiness through travel. When he said, "I am saving up to leave America." I was totally blown away and immediately thought the relationship was over because he flirts with other women in-front of me... thus he probably won't be faithful and started the relationship through lying to me when asked embarrassing questions.

I cried last night when he came-out about his thoughts and objectives. If he does this, he will get a long-stay Visa and leave for about a year or find permanent residence where-ever he goes.

So, now I'm debating if I should just end the relationship and move on. What do you think about the relationship and how should I move-forward?

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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 2,109 • Replies: 11

[+4] - jespah - 10/30/2018Of course he wants you to stay in communication. You're his backup plan. I am sorry. Truly, I am. But you're both avoiding one huge truth, which is that you could both use counseling. This is...

@ExploringChick,

Have you thought of joining him in Germany?

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@ExploringChick,

ExploringChick wrote:

He believes that he will be happier in Germany or the EU because he can see his friends while pursuing a degree under a free educational system.

If he's not an EU national the education won't be free. Foreign students have to pay.

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@ExploringChick,

More than a few girls/women know that I have always done my best to keep things together. (Through Private Conversation) But you put everything out there, so I will too, so others can see the heart of the situation. I have cried the same tears repeatedly throughout my life, so I can speak with some authority. 5 asked an excellent question. If that is agreeable to both of you, problem solved.
I'll cut to the chase. My goal is that you not cry over him. I have found it better to tell myself "She didn't love me anyway. Why waste my time, tears, and emotional energy?"
You asked for thoughts about the relationship.
He doesn't respect you or the relationship by flirting in front of you. If you feel loved when he does that, tell me I am wrong.
(Remember the "ifs" in my writing. It is one of the smallest words with the most meaning)
If you have to move on without him, I think you will be fine. From my perspective, you appear to be a sweet young woman.
His words about America are what set me off.
If he is insistant about leaving you behind (without saying "Please go with me." (Holding your hands and looking in your eyes)
I would say "Shove off, creep."

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I can't leave for Germany or the EU because I am finishing my education here and won't graduate until May 2019. After that I have a nonprofit business I run and I can't leave it behind because it is my source of income.

When he said he was leaving, he said nothing about bringing me along and looked like his full intention was to leave me behind while saying, "I won't drop you, I want to stay in communication."

So, I'm very conflicted. I'm looking for a honest, long-term, honorable partner as a husband and not a short-fling.

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@ExploringChick,

Of course he wants you to stay in communication. You're his backup plan.

I am sorry. Truly, I am. But you're both avoiding one huge truth, which is that you could both use counseling. This is not you two talking things out; it is working your feelings out with an impartial professional. You've been through abuse; you've both been through abandonment. You both seem to have massive self-esteem issues. You can't love this stuff away, and you can't play junior therapist with each other and expect it'll work perfectly. It won't.

He is leaving without you. That much is obvious. Unless he pulls out an eleventh-hour "I want you to come with me" out of his ass, then that's his intention. And even if he were to say that, it would undercut your plans and thrust you into a new living situation where you would be uncomfortably dependent upon him for everything. We had seen people (often women, though not always) who follow a BF or spouse, etc. to a foreign country where they know no one. Inevitably, the following relationship partner is miserable unless they can find something to do, and people to be their friends (who are not pals with their partners first), and fast.

You don't sound like that kind of a person, who can drop everything cheerfully, make friends quickly, and smile all the way. And it's unfair for anyone to expect you to be.

He's saying goodbye. And he thinks either he's being kind and "letting you down easy" or, like I said above, he's using you as his port in a storm, where he can tell women he's not interested in that he has a girlfriend and he can come crying to you if any woman overseas breaks up with him. And he figures he can stay at your place for free and get sex.

Don't allow yourself to be used like this.

1 Reply

@jespah,

I have been seeing a therapist for my problems over the last 4 years. I suggested to my bf that we see a couples therapist, but he refused with several excuses or changed the topic.

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@ExploringChick,

I know I can't hold back your tears any more than I can hold back my own. Maybe something I have said will make them stop if they start. One aspect of a relationship is that to a certain extent, people "create" each other. On one hand, you don't want to lose the "you" that he created. On the other, if he leaves , you will be more you.

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@ExploringChick,

Sounds like he is ready to move on with his life without you.

Perhaps you could be proactive and break things off yourself instead of letting things drag on. There's really no point.

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@ExploringChick,

ExploringChick wrote:

I suggested to my bf that we see a couples therapist, but he refused with several excuses or changed the topic.

Sounds like he's not prepared to put in the work to save your relationship. You can do better.

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Ok, I'm going to be blunt because I think this is cut and dry answer.

He has told you he is leaving the country. He flirts openly with other women in front of you. No mention of you going with him but he wants to continue to communicate with you. All this being the case, why in the world would you choose to stay with him any longer than it takes to make other living arrangements? He seems to have made his intentions clear and short of his plans blowing up, you are not part of the future.

So you really have two choices. Stick around in a relationship that you know is going nowhere or get out now and begin to move on. Personally, the second choice is the one I would recommend.

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@ExploringChick,

Sounds like he's not prepared

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Fear of Abandonment and my BF Leaving for Years.

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