Am I truly attracted to women? Am I actually BI?

Reply Sat 20 Oct, 2018 09:48 pm
Hello everyone, I have been trying to find out how to figure this out but I don't have friends who would actually understand me, hoping I can find some help here. I'm in my mid 20's, my first relationship was with a guy but we were super young, I had to let her go because I wasn't ready for everything that was happening, but because we were so young, never passed the kissing stage. After that, I have only dated guys, but the thing is when I am being intimate with these guys, I have never had an orgasm, I can have one if I do it alone but with a guy. Recently, I started talking to this great girl, she's super understanding about me figuring things out, but obviously I know eventually the kissing will come and also the sleeping together. I have never slept with another woman, or picture my life with one. I have so many things running through my head at this moment because well I have always been attracted to women ( one of the things my ex bfs would hate ) I always checked them out, i ended up kissing my best friend a couple of times and checking her out as she changed in front of me, so I know I find them attractive, I just don't know if thats enough to build a relationship.

My question is... Is this normal feeling since I'm trying things out? Or am I just crazy? Is there any ideas anyone could give me ? I am very confused and would love an input other than the girl that I am about to go on a date with.
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Reply Tue 4 Dec, 2018 04:40 pm

First of all, do not worry: you're not crazy at all, and many people are in the same situation as you. But it's normal to feel as if you were in this kind of situation because sexual identity issues are often quite difficult to understand. As you said very well, one feels confused. Especially when you have no one to talk to and by dint of thinking about it, we go around in circles.

To answer your question, I will probably disappoint you ... but the truth is that no one other than you can really say what your sexuality is. However, you can ask yourself some questions to see what you prefer. What I will develop below is part of my personal experience and testimonies of others, and part the (very summarized) works of some sexologists (I am not a sexologist myself, I just give my opinion on the situation!), especially Klein and Kinsey. They have also developed tests to self-assess the sexual orientation. You can find their tests on Wikipedia and try to do them, but it is usually quite difficult to answer them when you are confused. However, it can always give you a basis for reflection. I also apologize in advance if my English is a bit odd because it is not my mother tongue.

From what you wrote, it seems clear that you are at least attracted to women. Then, for your sexuality, it depends: are you sexually attracted to men (even if you can not get orgasm with them?), Maybe it's just your partners who were bad in bed ^^). And by women? You say in your text that you like to look at them, etc. but would you like to have sex with a woman?

One must also remember something important: love and sexuality are two different things. You could, for example, love and be sexually attracted to women and men, or feel sexual attraction without feeling, or love without special sexual attraction. And since you went out with men, did you love them? And do you think you could love a woman?

Another thing to remember: bisexuality is often thought of loving and desiring men and women equally, but in fact there is a wide range of possibilities between strict homosexuality and strict heterosexuality. You can quite prefer one rather than the other. And even, to make things even more complicated (sorry!), sexuality sometimes evolves with time. It is not abnormal that you have never planned with a woman and that you ask yourself questions now. A girl I knew in the past began to wonder if she were a lesbian past her twenties, just like you, and she had never asked herself that before.

So, as you can see ... well it's complicated. From my point of view, the best thing you can do is to see how you feel with women. it's cool because you'll have a meeting soon (or have already had now?). It will be a good starting point, and you can try to see if you prefer a homosexual relationship or a heterosexual relationship. Or both.

However, keep in mind that it can also depend on the person with whom you have an appointment and that, for example, you could prefer men but be in love with the woman you're talking about in your text, or prefer women but sometimes love a man for who he is.

And above all ... do not put too much pressure on yourself to categorize yourself in one box or the other. It will only slow you down and even, worse, lock yoursef up Only by trying, taking advantage of the opportunities that life offers you, and following what your heart and your body tell you, that you will be able to find answers to your questions. Just give time to yourself.

I apologize if my explanations were a bit long and difficult, but all this is to explain to you that you are absolutely not crazy and that it is normal to feel confused.

In any case, if it really does not work and you feel that you do not get away with it, you can try to talk about this with your friends if you trust them, or contact an LGBTQIA association to discuss it with people who are in the same situation as you. And even if you really want, you can talk with me via private messaging, I know what it's like to be in your situation ^^

To conclude, I hope that my comment was able to reassure you and help a little. I wish you much happiness in your relationships, whether with women or men. It's not always easy to be in this kind of situation, but nothing is insurmountable. As the slogan said: It'll get better!

Strength and courage, and good luck!
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