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Wed 16 Mar, 2005 06:50 am
The flames blow out
with the gust of a wind,
and plunge the world into darkness
without any hint.
The dead of the night fills
with the cries form the cradle,
as his mother in the corner
fills jars with a ladle.
"Hush my child", she says,
"Don't wake up the sleeping ones.
If they arise now,
we will have to face guns".
In the corner lurches a shadow
the color of pitch black,
out extends a hand
towards the mothers back.
" Here I am", his voice comes
in hushes lest others hear.
The only reason they meet in dark
is because, others they fear.
Silences stay as words and hugs
are given and taken.
While the cradle lies silent,
as elsewhere, morals are broken.
Hmmm i like the idea of it but the rhythm annoys me... it avoids a steady rhythm without becoming either syncopated or arhythmic.
I like your language but i just think you could have assembled it better like:
" Here I am", his voice comes
in hush lest others hear. (is hushes actually a word?
They only choose to meet in dark
There are a few places where you've used some odd turns of phrase:
"with the gust of a wind" would fit much easier as "with a gust of wind"
And "Don't wake up the sleeping ones." would sound better without the up
Sorry if it sounds critical!! I think you have some good ideas but it needs editing
because of mounting fear.
i appreciate any sort of criticism. so you are always welcome for any changes you could suggest to make my work look better.
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