Purpose

It sounds as if you're experiencing a case of ennui. In extreme forms this is the sense of detachment, loneliness, alienation, and despair that one associates with some of the Existentialist writers. Though we tend to associate the feelings with the Modern Age, it was a state that even our remote ancestors might have felt occasionally.

Ennui tends to strike those whose lives are reasonably secure and free of great risks. If one is in a daily struggle for survival there is little time to ponder the meaning of existence. When one is fully integrated into a cultural setting where their place in society is clearly defined and their individuality is unquestioned, there is little reason to question one's place in the world.

In our world, ennui is an accepted fact of life for many people. Urban life especially cuts us off from intimate social exchanges that help us to define our roles. Religeous dogma no longer has the same authority in defining our place in the universe that it had in say 1004 BCE. We live in world that changes rapidly, though our perception is that we are personally standing still amidst the rush. We feel alone, though perhaps millions of others have the same experience, at least occasionally.

When we were children everything was new, bright and exciting. Every day was an adventure filled with promise. Our ignorance of the world was immense, but almost by the minute we learned new things. Our place in the world was mysterious, and every event held the potential for both reward and hurt. Our family was our guide, support, comfort, and bulwark against the unknown. Mom and Dad provided a model of perfection (oh, how little we knew then). We believed completely in Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy ... and in ogres and goblins. Not many children suffer from ennui.

As we age, the new rubs off of life and it is no longer so shiny. Our days seem to grow longer and shorter at the same time. Color seems to fade, becoming ever more grey. Our expectations drop, and we come to accept that nothing ever really changes. We forget the friends who we swore we'd never be parted from. Our faith in progress dulls. We reach our goals, only to find that they rarely are as satisfying in actuality as they were in our dreams. "Is that all there is?" Our middle and late years in this life seem especially risky for this sort of thinking. Middle aged men run off with their secretaries and buy new red sportscars. Women find that they need "Mother's Little Helper" to get through the day. As our hair falls out and turns grey, we find that we are no longer interested in the things which so intently preoccupied us in earlier decades. "What's the point of pursuing more knowledge, or more of anything for that matter, when your life is coming to an end?" The dangers of ennui grow along with us every year that we live.

So, what can we do about it? Some do nothing, they live quietly in despair and are fortunate if they escape harboring a deep resentment and anger toward the world that so disappointed them. Some seek solace in religion and often abandon reason for the ecstasy of losing themselves in emotional worship of God. The most dedicated to religion may enter the monastic life. That seems a strange choice once one understands that within the monastery discipline and routine are supreme, nothing significant ever happens within a well-ordered religious community. Oh well.

People who are inquisitive and involved in the lives of others tend not to become bored. Spend some of your free time doing random acts of kindness, contribute your effort instead of your wealth to easing the suffering of other people. Cultivate friendships and renew family relationships. Our biological imperatives, especially women, demands that we reproduce. Children aren't for everyone, but not having children leaves a gaping hole in the lives of many. Children are our fundamental biological reason for being, and violation of that imperative can be very upsetting. As we get older, our appreciation of mortality creeps in on every side. Children are our guarantors of continuity, a sort of immortality that keeps us alive so long as we are remembered. Our lives are invested with meaning as we teach the children our values, protect them from the risks of the world, and provide for their well-being. Our own childhoods are relived through our children, but from a more mature perspective.

Ask why a lot, and then think deeply on the answers. Try new things. Having a wide range of interests that challenge you on many different levels can keep your world fresh. Take time to appreciate the sensory world. Be creative and expressive in how you live. Schedule spontinaity, and do daring things occasionally. Contemplation without thinking is a means of submerging self into the timeless and boundless universe where individuality and suffering are truly illusionary.

Accept that suffering is the natural state of existence, and then get on with living each moment to its fullest. Stay busy and involved. Don't over-think things, but on the other hand restrain notions that you know are ultimately foolish.

Very wise Asherman. I might take some of your suggestions.

Asherman....Wow! You are so very wise and you gave ME much to think about as well as Bella Dea.

I think of my sister a lot. She was murdered three years ago and in about 6 months time I will be her exact same age when she died. That mortality thing is hard. I look at her accomplishments, but don't compare them to my own. We were two different people. I have to say I am pretty happy with what I have accomplished thus far in life, albeit to the world I have nothing of value monetarily or materially.

I am incredibly happy with the living legacy I gave to both of my children by having them and raising them mostly on my own. I know that I love the way they both grew into such wonderful adults, but it was amazingly satisfying to hear from my former husband when he said to me about a week ago, "Damn, you did such a great job with our kids. I never could have done that." I honestly feel that they were one of my purposes here.

Since they are both grown now, I have actually taken some of the roads you mention. I have made time to enjoy the things that I want to enjoy. Whether that be a walk in the rain, composing poetry in my ledger (dusty as it was), planting some spring flowers, catching up with old friends and just learning to unwind from the frenzied pace of the last 30 years. I've even gone so far as to go on a hiatus from work for a year, just to reflect and also project what my next goals shall be. I'm only 48 and hopefully still have a very long and very satisfying life before me.

I have a few ideas what I want to be when I grow up...I'll see where they take me.

Thank you, Bella Da and Asherman for letting me just ramble.....

Bella Dea...I forgot the E in your Dea....I'm sorry honey!

It's ok!

Bella - I could have written that myself, almost word for word. I think Asherman has it right. Though it's hard to tell "thinkers" not to think. It's what we think we do best.

I also think Cav has had an impact this week in my thinking even more along these lines. He was so young, and here I am at 42 having not accomplished near as much, or embraced life nearly as well as he did.

As for purpose, I had a rather trying period several years ago with way too much thinking taking place. In the end I came to the quiet conclusion that our purpose is to be happy. Not just "be happy" but all that it entails, such as loving ones self, accepting that others have their own journey and being okay with it, letting things roll off rather than stick, taking pleasure in little things, and do the things you want to do that add to your happiness.

For those of a religious bent, which I had more of at the time than I do today, I came to this conclusion with the understanding that us being happy IS what makes God happy and honors Him. Just as we delight in hearing our own children laugh, and play and enjoy life, isn't it possible God also delights in seeing this in us, since God is our father? What greater honor is there for a parent than to see our children happy? Loving life? Playing gleefully, even in puddles? Being pleased with an accomplishment? Learning new things? And, believing in God is not required to understand this simple concept.

You are certainly not alone in your feelings. So, how about this... Let's each make our own private list of things we want to accomplish, experience, learn and do over th next year. Each week we have to choose one thing from the list and take steps towards accomplishing it.

Some will take more time than others causing overlap. I may want to join Habitat for Humanity, and I can't be done with helping to build a house in a week. But this week I can join HFH, and next week I can plant bulbs after I finish my HFH commitment for the day. And the next week, I can move on to #3 on my list and get the kids photo albums up to date. And, after that I might sign up for a cooking class.

So, not all of the things have to be world changing or long term. Just things that will bring you a sense of happiness and accomplishment. By looking at your list you'll see that you are accomplishing things as you mark them off, and you'll have directions for where you want to go.

Wanna give it a try?

I don't know what I would put on my list. Hm.

Here's the beginning of mine, which might help trigger some things you love, are passionate about, want to accomplish, or simply just want to learn.

They don't have to be in order. You don't have to start with #1. As you go you can mark off what you really have no interest in and add new things you have discovered an interest in.

1. Habitat for Humanity
2. Kids Photo albums updated
3. Take up piano again
4. plant day lillies
5. Help kids sort their stuffed animals to take to the childrens wing of the hospital. (they zap them and then have them on hand to give to patients.)
6. Take a cooking class
7. Find a grandparent to adopt
8. learn HTML and PHP
9. dance in the rain - in public
10 make a snow angel
11 read a classic I've never read before
12. write a childrens book
13. make someone laugh really hard
14. re-kindle friendship with my sister
15. smile at people that are frowning or appear tense
16. Attend a local theatrical performance

It doesn't have to be life changing, earth shattering or have everlasting importance (that you know of). Just start wtiting down the things that make you happy or would make you happy if you did them.

ok...I think I will do it.

"Man can will nothing unless he has first understood that he must count no one but himself; that he is alone, abandoned on earth in the midst of his infinite responsibilities, without help, with no other aim than the one he sets himself, with no other destiny than the one he forges for himself on this earth." Jean-Paul Sartre - Being and Nothingness

"...to be acutely conscious is a disease, a real, honest-to-goodness disease."
Fyodor Dostoevsky - Notes from the Underground



Just a few quotes that reitterate what's been said. Both of these quotes end up being surprisingly optimistic, despite their apparent pessimism. Dostoevsky obviously uses religion for this end, a concept largely editted out of Notes from Underground... It's what we chose to do with life that gives it meaning.

Just remember these don't all have to be lofty high-floating moral "I want to teach the world to sing" kind of goals.

- I want to have sex with that cute redhead at work is just as valid

For those curious I've included below my list of desires (yes I experience the same sense of ennui and found the same solution).

- Finish my dark sun campaign (COMPLETED, as of last week)
- Work on my website.
- Finish drawing my comic "things change"
- Come up with a better name for "things change"
- Start drawing my comic "Betsy the wonder cow"
- Finish writing my comic "These messages"
- Help reunite my friend Jem with her brother Joff.
- Make more time in my life for my boyfriend.
- Get my finances sorted.
- Get ready to move.
- Prepare my birthday party.
- Get Ben to teach me what he knows about book-publishing.

Those are in no particular order.