A Faraway Land (Revised)

I think it's too short. You should elaborate more. But hey, I'm no novelist. The story is good though.

I shall try and elaborate it further. I'm find u find the content good.

The story you are telling is a story of enormous emotional strength. The way it is told above, however, it is more a retelling of factual events.

Here, for instance:


What went through the characters mind as this happened? How did her mother's scrams inflict her emotional state? These were just some things I wondered about while reading. You should go deeper into the characters, elaborate their personalities, and the story will come more to life as the reader will be more able to identify with them.

I think your story has the potential to be great. It has an engaging topic and a lot of emotional conflicts in the various characters wich you have already set up. Good luck with it. I hope this was helpful, although I would ask a second opinion or two if I were you

I concur with Cyracuz. It would have had a much greater effect had it been drawn out a little more, and the characters given a little more time to develop. Maybe a dialogue between our protagonist and Aalib while they awaited the decision of the elders would be good. This story is based largely on the thoughts and emotions of the characters within, and because of that it's difficult to pull it off without some kind of dialogue, so some of that would be good for enhancing the story's emotional effect. Moreover, try putting in some more detail with the main character coming to the conclusion that marrying Aalib was the right thing to do. The crux of the story is the interplay between the characters - work on that if nothing else. Other than that, I've got nothing to say. This was a good little tale, with a nice underlying metaphor for finding acceptance. Good work!