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Sun 23 Jan, 2005 02:50 pm
Rip my heart out,
the pain in unbearable.
The night's I cried
aren't worth a second of your time.
The life i've led seems so backwards,
spinning in and out, like a top, one that will enevitably crush me.
The time's we've had don't come close to every tear I shed.
You've betrayed me,
I've betrayed you.
We have begun the cycle,
I will end it, or die trying.
This game, it seems so much fun,
but comes as a no suprise it will end so bad.
My heart is broken, as is your's but thats what you get
when you mess with others happiness.
So the game goes on, one more heart, one more break.
YAY! No feedback, none what so ever... sweeeeeet, thanks.....
Re: The Night's I Cried(it's been a while, feedback me pleas
I understand your frustration tjp, there doesn't seem to be alot of feedback in this forum. That said, it's up to those of us who post to provide the feedback for others. So I will try to add a few comments to your post. Overall I enjoyed the poem, but found certain lines needing grammatical changes. I've highlighted some of them below. Just my two cents worth. Otherwise, it nicely portrays the harsh feelings one gets when in a relationship such as this.
tear_jerked_punk wrote:Rip my heart out,
the pain in unbearable.
The night's I cried
aren't worth a second of your time.
The life i've led seems to backwards, (seems to what backwards??)
spinning in and out, like a top of doom.
The time's we've had don't come close to every tear I shed. (should this be the good times we've had? or special times etc.)
You've betrayed me,
I've betrayed you.
We have begun the cycle,
I will end it.
This game, it seems to fun, (seems to be fun or seems fun??)
but comes as a no suprise it will end so bad. (comes as no ...)
My heart is broken, as is your's but thats when you get (that's what you get)
when you mess with happiness.
So the game goes on, one more heart, one more break.
Well, I agree, I didn't really re-read over it that much, but i'ma edit it and let you read the final copy ^.^, thanks API, your the only one to take the time. It's much appreciated!
Here's my second draft... Take a look. You might like it. Or maybeh not.. I donno.. I'm not a mind reader!!!!!
Good Poem. I'm sorry you haven't gotten more feedback. I'm just new to all of this....so i'm trying to help as many people as I can. and Poetry is my thing. I love it. I write some (see my postings) but i'm not that good.....yet.
I will say this much.....my fav. part is:
You've betrayed me,
I've betrayed you.
We have begun the cycle,
I will end it, or die trying.
also....great line : The life i've led seems so backwards,
spinning in and out, like a top, one that will enevitably crush me.
....so powerful......and something i can relate to.
Good job......
Thank you, thank you all! I've begun again to write, becuase well...I either write, or go crazy ^.^.. I'm soon going to be buying a acoustic guitar, and putting these songs to music. It will be great fun! BUWAHAHAH
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