THE MEANING OF OZ - All you need to know!

Now England is humiliated in Adelaide...

I heard some good jokes at the Adelaide Oval yesterday and posted them on the "British thread", hope they have a sense of humour.
I'll repeat them here for our Aussie cricket fans.

The English cricket board are making a help-line available for disillusioned fans who are disappointed with their team's 'shock'
crushing by Australia in the 2006/2007 Ashes Tour.

The help-line number is 1800 10 10 10

That's 1800 won nothing won nothing won nothing!!!
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Question: What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a English cricket shirt to bed?

Answer: You ain't gonna score!!!
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Question: What is the difference between England and an arsonist?

Answer: An arsonist wouldn't waste that many matches...

Plainclothes police will be at the MCG today to stop this sort of shocking, disgusting spectacle! (Really!) :



http://www.theage.com.au/news/cricket/goodbye-wave/2007/02/04/1170523945109.html

Its not so much the wave as the crap they throw up in the air.

Someone mentioned urine on ABC talkback last week. Surely not!?

Like Dutchy's jokes up there! Lucky I'm from Jupiter and not attached to the result.

Story of 2 Crocodiles

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake
in Canberra. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I
can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the
same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by
Parliament House."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for
one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the
leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're
not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish
shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole
and a briefcase.

Yes, Dutchy, yes!

So true!

<clap, clap, clap!>

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

The Code of Blokely Practice..

1. Scope

The Code of Practice concerns blokes, sheds and tools - and what blokes do in sheds with tools.

2. Drafting Committee
This Code of Practice has been drawn up by members of the UBeaut Woodworking Australia Woodwork Forums - a nationwide body of experts whose collective experience, sagacity, strength, breadth, scope and depth of knowledge would be sufficient, if it were ever assembled in one place, to rival the combined erudition of the Library of Alexandria, the Smithsonian Institute, the Royal Society and the front bar of the Cowcockies' Arms after the footy.

3. Definitions:

For the purposes of the Code of Practice, the following definitions apply:

3.1. Bloke - a bloke is the owner, occupier and user of his shed. For further elucidation, refer to Appendix A - Rules of Blokeness, Appendix B - Blokeness Quotient and Appendix C - Because I Am A Bloke.

3.2. Shed - a shed is the domain, demesne and realm of a bloke.

3.3. Tools - tools are things used by blokes in, near, around and in connection with sheds.

3.3.1. With respect to tools and/or sheds, a bloke shall determine what defines the terms: ?'in', ?'near', ?'around' and ?'in connection with' for purposes connected with his shed (see 3.2 The purpose of a shed).

4. Purposes

4.1. The purpose of the Code of Practice.
The purpose of the Code of Practice is to determine and define those things that are important to blokes in the context of sheds and tools; to circumscribe the behaviour of blokes and, equally importantly, other people when in or near the shed or when using, looking at, handling and/or thinking about, tools.

4.2. The purpose of a shed.
The purpose of a shed is to provide an environment and territory wherein a bloke has total and complete dominion and control and is therefore happy.

4.3. The purpose of tools and/or any specific tool.
The purpose of tools and/or any specific tool lies entirely within the control of a given bloke. It's his tool, he can do what he likes with it. If, for example, he elects to use one of his Iyoroi dovetail paring chisels to open a paint can, that's up to him. He's a complete boofhead but it's his chisel (bloody drongo!). If, on the other hand, a bloke elects to use someone else's Iyoroi dovetail paring chisel to open a paint can, he shall, within the context of this Code of Practice not just be a complete boofhead, he shall also be guilty of a major violation of this Code of Practice and, in consequence, shall be subject to loss of his blokeness status. For further information and guidance, see below under para. 6 Tools - sub para. 6.4 Other bloke's tools, guidance on use and handling.


5. The Shed

What a bloke does in his shed is up to him (see para 3 - Definitions, sub para 3.2 - Shed and para 4 - Purposes, sub para 4.2 - The purpose of a shed). It is clear from these important sections of the Code of Practice that a bloke has complete control over all activities within his own shed. This is inviolable. However, the Code is designed to provide appropriate guidance (see para 1 - Scope). What follows in this section is intended to provide a bloke with some clear guidance. If a bloke chooses to ignore this guidance, well, he has that right but it would be a foolish bloke who knowingly transgresses the Code and commits a violation.

5.1. Size and shape. Any given shed shall ALWAYS be too small.

5.1.1. When a bloke, through force of circumstance, is obliged to suffer from a lack of an actual shed then an appropriate surrogate shed may be substituted. To that end a surrogate shed may be any given workspace or area not necessarily confined within four walls, including any and all of the following:-

5.1.1.1. a garage,
5.1.1.2. a workroom,
5.1.1.3. a patio/decking area (see Cautionary note under 5.1.1.5 below)
5.1.1.4. any other space wherein a bloke determines that shed-like activities shall be undertaken.
5.1.1.5. Cautionary note - if a bloke co-opts a part or all of a patio for surrogate shed purposes, he shall thenceforth not use the term ?'patio' to describe the area. The term ?'patio' has chap-like connotations and is to be avoided within the context of this Code of Practice.

code of blokely practice

2 Queens in town - during Mardi Gras - when all the other queens are out and about!

Well - this caused a decent traffic jam in my neck of the woods!

Margo that is a lovely photograph of Sydney Harbour with the Queen Mary and Queen Elizabet II, would be a rarity to see them both together like this. Thanks for posting.

That's a cool view, thanks Margo.

Ah, beautiful Sydney!
Sigh.
Ravishing every single day ... with or without the queen/s.

Thanks, all - some of the photos in the Herald (that was one!) were brilliant.

This is why we live in Sydney! <smug grin!>

My friend has a mate who works at Garden Island, the naval dockyard where QM2 tied up. He took some amazing photos, including close ups, from when she was coming in just after dawn, until she docked, and had them downloaded, made into a slideshow and in everyone's email by 9.30am.

Why not post them here margo, I'm sure there will be a lot of interest for them, or are they personal and subject to copyright?

I can see Russell Crowe's place in the photo!

Hey Margo! Sydney is just gorgeous isn't it?

Hi lezzles, nice to see you, how are you feeling and are you on the improve?

Dutchy
Re the qm2 photos.

I don't even know the person who took them. I'll have a think about it.

They're on my work machine - so I'll have another look at them on Monday. At present I'm in Kiama, on the coast just south of Sydney, and it's bloody lovely here - just a tad humid. I may be forced to have a swim later. The surf looks great!


G'day Lezzles - hope you're on the improve!