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Can't go on trips with boyfriend and family

 
 
Reply Wed 3 Jan, 2018 12:15 pm
So I just want to preface this by saying that I overthink things on a regular basis. That being said, I am going to give facts that are as straight and unbiased as possible.

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years now. I am African-American and he is Italian. Every year, he and his family go to his home town in Italy for one reason or another, a vacation, a wedding, an anniversary, etc. A couple of years ago, when his family was planning a trip for his cousin's wedding, my boyfriend invited me along. His parents immediately shut it down because, according to them, it is rude to invite someone to someone else's event. Alright. That makes sense. They insisted that the next time would be better.

The next year rolled around and this time wasn't right either. There wasn't enough space at their family's house and it wouldn't be right for me to stay in a hotel, they said. Maybe next time. Ok, sure.

Finally, we get to this year. The time for the trip came up, and again it was insisted that I wait.

My boyfriend has decided that the two of us should just go, but we can't see his family because we'll be judged for sharing a hotel room while unmarried.

I'm curious to know what other people make of this. I have no issue during interactions with his parents or siblings. We even spend Christmas together. It's just when these trips come up that things get weird....

Thanks for your time.
 
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Wed 3 Jan, 2018 12:27 pm
@Thethinker777,
Not for nothing, but I never went on family trips with any boyfriend, ever. That includes my husband. I think the first time we went on a family style trip,we were married a good 10 years.

Sounds to me like his family just wants this to be "their time". Do something else when they are away. If you and him want to go on vacation to the same place by yourselves, then feel free to do so. But I wouldn't horn in on the family thing.
PUNKEY
 
  3  
Reply Wed 3 Jan, 2018 12:41 pm
@Thethinker777,
Ha! My BF and I are in our late 60s and when we went to Italy, the "old Italians" assumed we would have separate bedrooms. Needless to say, we stayed in a hotel in another city and traveled to see them, but never overnight.

How old are you two?
Thethinker777
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Jan, 2018 02:27 pm
@jespah,
And that wouldn't be a problem. Just don't lie to me. I'd much rather they said that that was what they wanted instead of getting my hopes up.
0 Replies
 
Thethinker777
 
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Reply Wed 3 Jan, 2018 02:28 pm
@PUNKEY,
I'm mid 20s and he's late twenties.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
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Reply Wed 3 Jan, 2018 02:41 pm
He and his family can't get through the culture restraints, so accept that his relatives think "single" girl and boy should not be traveling together - at least without a chaperone. LOL.

Or

His parents don't want to be seen as approving.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
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Reply Wed 3 Jan, 2018 02:59 pm
@PUNKEY,
PUNKEY wrote:
the "old Italians" assumed we would have separate bedrooms.


this

things some of us in North America think are normal are not acceptable in other parts of the world

I was the only one of my cohort of cousins to leave home without being married. It wasn't/isn't done.

The OP's boyfriend's parents could be embarrassed to admit to her how things are in their home community and / or embarrassed to let people in their home community know that their son is in an adult relationship.

___


My former neighbours were from Sicily. All of their sons stayed home til they married, and when one of them divorced in his 40's he moved home. He was in his 60's, living with his mom til she died.
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Jan, 2018 10:01 pm
Go there for your honeymoon.
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  0  
Reply Thu 4 Jan, 2018 02:21 am
@ehBeth,
It's perfectly normal for unmarried couples to share hotel rooms throughout Western Europe.

America is far more puritanical, by a long shot.
Thethinker777
 
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Reply Thu 4 Jan, 2018 11:03 am
Weeeell, as it turns out, it was exactly as I feared. Haha, if I had just waited til yesterday night, I would have gotten my answer without posting here. Apparently everything came to a head yesterday evening and the prejudices of some of his family members in Italy were blatantly stated. Soooo, now I have a lot to think about. Obviously, I can't and don't blame him....but the future is less clean cut now.
jespah
 
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Reply Thu 4 Jan, 2018 11:35 am
@Thethinker777,
Oh boy. I'm sorry.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
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Reply Thu 4 Jan, 2018 11:59 am
@izzythepush,
izzythepush wrote:

It's perfectly normal for unmarried couples to share hotel rooms throughout Western Europe.


definitely not my lived experience
izzythepush
 
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Reply Thu 4 Jan, 2018 04:34 pm
@ehBeth,
Are you sure it wasn't something else?
0 Replies
 
 

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