Relationship/Culture: Hand holding between Couples

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Hello,

I read a book named The Five Love Languages by American author Gary Chapman. The book has thousands of positive reveiws on Amazon, and it is a bestseller. (I don't mean to recommend the book. I just assume the values fit Americans' , when I mentioned the credit of the book.)

When I read the words I quoted below, I feel a little bit puzzled.

Quote:

As you walk from the car to the shopping mall, reach out and hold your spouse’s hand. (Unless, of course, you have three preschool children with you.)

Do the mainstream of Americans feel uncomfortable to hold hands before preschool childrens as the author advises?

When I read this , it reminds me of a married German couple. They were my former colleagues, and were in their late 30s I guessed. Many years ago, they went back to the office, and held hand in hand. I inadvertently looked at that. And following my view, they swiftly consciously dropped their hands to each other, and it seemed they felt a little bit embarrassed or uncomfortable. I wouldn't have raised my eyebrows on hand holding between couples, but I felt quite surprised why they dropped their hands. It looked like at least some Germans don't get used to hold hands in public. Or was it just inappropriate in a professional office background?

Why can couples of British royal members hold arms to each other, for example, Ms. Megan Markle held the prince's arm in public in a picture from a report which everyone can see ?

(I know there are culture differences between the US and the UK, but the two countries share quite a lot of cultural backgrounds.)

Could anyone explain these to me?

Thanks!

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[+4] - jespah - 12/27/2017For anyone who needs a refresher course in how to ignore a user, feel free to start a topic on it.

@iclearwater,

iclearwater wrote:

When I read the words I quoted below, I feel a little bit puzzled.

Quote:
As you walk from the car to the shopping mall, reach out and hold your spouse’s hand. (Unless, of course, you have three preschool children with you.)

Do the mainstream of Americans feel uncomfortable to hold hands before preschool children?

I corrected 'childrens' to 'children'.

The issue is not cultural or moral or to do with embarrassment. It is to do with practicality and (importantly!) safety. Two parents with three pre-school (small) children, in a car park, have no hands free for each other because they would be holding the children's hands to make sure they do not run away, e.g. into the paths of moving vehicles, shopping trolleys, etc, or get lost. This would probably continue in the shopping mall to stop the children grabbing products, getting under the feet or wheels of other shoppers. In fact we have an idiom - when we have small children we "have our hands full" with them. The author's remark is jokey - most, if not all, parents would not need reminding of such a thing.

As for the Germans holding hands in the office, yes, holding hands, kissing, etc, may well be considered unprofessional in a more formal workplace, such as a government office or a bank. Likewise in the rest of Europe, the UK and America.

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@iclearwater,

iclearwater wrote:

Why can couples of British royal members hold arms to each other, for example, Ms. Megan Markle held the prince's arm in public in a picture from a report which everyone can see ?

The Royal family are expected to show some affection in public. They do not want the public to see them as cold or remote (this was a problem in the past, e.g. after Diana's death). This trend is increasing. Kissing with tongues or heavy petting would be avoided, but holding hands/arms is welcomed as a sign that royal people are human beings with feelings like mere mortals. It is all a show, remember.

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@iclearwater,

iclearwater wrote:

I read a book named The Five Love Languages by American author Gary Chapman. The book has thousands of positive reveiws on Amazon, and it is a bestseller. (I don't mean to recommend the book. I just assume the values fit Americans' , when I mentioned the credit of the book.)

Do not treat this book as a scientific work. There has been a lack of research to test the validity of Chapman's model and whether it can be generalized. It is, in my opinion, mainly composed of "hokum" or "bullshit", and is no more to be trusted than a book of horoscopes. There is a ready market in the Western world, not just the USA, for crap publications of this sort.

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@centrox,

Thank you very much for your help and correction. I misunderstood the words of the author.

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@centrox,

Quote:

Do not treat this book as a scientific work. There has been a lack of research to test the validity of Chapman's model and whether it can be generalized. It is, in my opinion, mainly composed of "hokum" or "bullshit", and is no more to be trusted than a book of horoscopes. There is a ready market in the Western world, not just the USA, for crap publications of this sort.

Hello again. I just would like to let you know I felt uncomfortable when people told me the books I read were good or bad. I'd like to choose on my own. I would decline even if my parents, best friends, etc. judged my taste on anything, or tried to instruct me.

I'm not bigoted. I'm open to different opinions if they are specific. If you've read the book, you're welcome to share your viewpoints with me.

Certainly I can't assure every choice of mine is always the best. It's my life that I am experiencing on my own, and I know what I am doing or reading all the time. I want to taste no matter those are sweet or bitter. I'm an adult.

I appreciate you have been helpful to me on the forum, and I don't intend to be rude or harsh to you. I would throw away anything including money etc., but I can't lose my own self. It is important for me. I hope you can kindly understand this.

Happy holiday there.

P.S. English is not my native language, and I realise there are differences between cultures and the thoughts of individuals. These can possibly block the proper understanding between us. I hope we don't misunderstand each other on this thread. If there's any misunderstanding, please feel free to let me know any time.

Thank you for your reading.

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You are, of course, free to read and enjoy whatever books you like. I have a dislike 'love books' of which there are very many, among them some best-sellers. I feel that where they are not vague or incomprehensible they are obvious: e.g.:

Quote:

Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” If we take Twain literally, six compliments a year would have kept his emotional love tank at the operational level. Your spouse will probably need more. One way to express love emotionally is to use words that build up. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew wisdom literature, wrote, “The tongue has the power of life and death.”

1 Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. Solomon further noted, “An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.”

2 Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, straightforward statements of affirmation, such as:

“You look sharp in that suit.”

“Do you ever look nice in that dress! Wow!”

“You must be the best potato cook in the world. I love these potatoes.”

“I really appreciate your washing the dishes tonight.”

“Thanks for getting the baby-sitter lined up tonight. I want you to know I don’t take that for granted.”

“I really appreciate your taking the garbage out.”

What would happen to the emotional climate of a marriage if the husband and wife heard such words of affirmation regularly?

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@centrox,

Quote:

You are, of course, free to read and enjoy whatever books you like. I have a dislike 'love books' of which there are very many, among them some best-sellers. I feel that where they are not vague or incomprehensible they are obvious: e.g.:

Could you close your eyes and imagine when you are dining in a restaurant, no matter you enjoy the food or not, someone comes over and tells you the food here is just cr@p?

I cannot exactly know your feeling as I'm not in your shoes, but you might feel uncomfortable, if so, that feeling is close to mine.

Honestly I don't like the book too much, because what the author told about mostly I've known before my reading. I also said I don't mean to recommend the book on the post. But there are still some points in his book I can learn. I'm aslo slightly curious what the best seller book is about in the view of readers over there.

I would appreciate if you don't throw a wet blanket on my reading in generality, and allow me to experience them on my own, and allow me to taste them myself. Then we can compare notes with each other.

Thank you!

1 Reply

@iclearwater,

iclearwater wrote:

Could you close your eyes and imagine when you are dining in a restaurant, no matter you enjoy the food or not, someone comes over and tells you the food here is just cr@p?

False comparison. This is not a restaurant. Mention crap books on here, people, including me, have the right to give their opinion.

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Quote:

False comparison. This is not a restaurant. Mention crap books on here, people, including me, have the right to give their opinion.

First, please let me remind you of the fact that the topic of this thread is about culture and the gusture but not book review. Your "book review" is uncalled for, and off topic. You're disoriented.

Second, it's ridiculous that you even never ever thumb through a page of the book at all, then how you can just throw your finger at the book. You're judgemental.

Third, you approached to me and dished out the so-called unsavory book review and tried to shove down my throat. This is the second time you did this on the threads I created. Get off from your high horse. I am not interested in that at all. Please don't respond to me about your book "reviews". I'm fed up with those.

Fourth, you feel free to create a new thread on your own and write your "review" on the books you never ever read about but with your fancy, if you can gain your credit with that.

Good luck and goodbye. Excuse me. I've run out of my time for you.

Period.

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For anyone who needs a refresher course in how to ignore a user, feel free to start a topic on it.

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Incidentally, I have read the whole book. My opinion is based on that.

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#1. Please keep on the topic of the thread if you are capable of.
#2. Please don't dish out your book review to me. I never ever request that.
#3. Feel free to create your thread and discuss that with other people who are interested in.
#4. One man is meat is another man's poison. You dislike it, and I might like it. You go to movie, and then you told everyone else that movie is not worthy of watching. You can't replace other people's experiences.
#5. No sure if you really read that book. A serious critic would never heap the insults like that.
#6 If the best seller book is bullsh^t as you judge, let me know what value of your comment it is to me or other people? Honestly I would rather to read that book 1000 times but not read your condescending remarks to me.
#7. What else can I do for you?

Refute and answer me point by point if you are able to . Or let us save our time each.

1 Reply

@iclearwater,

I strongly suggest you hit ignore on this person who is bothering you so much.

And I will be happy to answer your points.

#1 Threads mutate constantly. They won't stay on topic. That is a losing proposition in the current state of A2K. Things may change at some point. But right now, nope, you're not going to keep people on topic, sorry.
#2 Vote down or ignore. You don't have to read it.
#3 Maybe this person will. Or they won't. You don't have any control over that.
#4 And ...? People like or dislike stuff all the time. If moviegoers, etc were that affected by critics, there wouldn't be movie-going audiences. Listen, or not, to the critique. Again, you can hit the thumbs down and you do not have to see it.
#5 That doesn't make any sense. Why shouldn't someone express themselves in such a manner? Even if they read 100% of the work in question? You know what? I hate Stephen King's The Stand. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Yes, I have read it. I have even seen the miniseries adaptation (which was better than the book). How do my experiences translate into me somehow never having read it? I did. Because, you see, people can have very different experiences and preferences. And that is the nature of the human condition. There's no reason to doubt this person read such a work.

And by the way, let's say they're horribly lying through their teeth - oh my God they didn't give the book a chance!

So?

You're not the book police.

And it would probably be a good idea to not wrap up your ego or your sense of self in what people think of such a book. I'm a writer and we don't even do that with our works once we have some experience with bad reviews and rejection. The other way lies madness.

#6 The value of the comment is whatever you make it to be. Don't like it? Then, once again, feel free to hit ignore on this person or vote down their posts (or both).

#7 Lighten up. That's what you can do.

And just one more thing, okay? While I have your ear before you hit ignore on me or decide to give me my own point by point rebuttal - life is short and online time is limited. Stop wasting your time on things you don't like. Vote them down, hit ignore and move the hell on.

You'll be a far, far happier person when you do so.

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just a newbite, and am still groping here.I did try to search the forum rule on my own previously.

Not exactly understand that some people wouldn't like to keep on the track.I wonder if people don't want to keep on the topic, does it make sense to state subject on the topic or tag the thread. Alright, since then, I would follow the flow.

I will hit on the thumb down, because I didn't know the function. But before I ignore that person, I still would like him to know that he oversteps my boundaries. This is not the first time.

His remarks seem to me they are not only the denigration to the book, but also offense to my taste on my reading with the wording like "bullsh*t" etc.

I'm not the book police. Neither does he. Wouldn't it make both of us happier if he posts in the right forum and discuss with right people about how worse the book is.

The purpose I asked the value of his book review was to tell him his opinion was worthless to me. Don't waste our time each. I hoped him to find the right peole to discuss about his superior opinion on the book.

I was asking what esle I could do for him, so that he would stop shoving down his opinion into my throat any more before knowing I could ignore him via thumbing down.

Generally I'm happy.

Anyway, thank you for your comment.

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@iclearwater,

Some people are uncomfortable with public displays of affection, others are not. I personally know couples who would never kiss or hold hands in public. I also know many more who regularly do those things. I don't think it's possible to make a generalization based on country of origin.

1 Reply

@TomTomBinks,

Quote:

Some people are uncomfortable with public displays of affection, others are not. I personally know couples who would never kiss or hold hands in public. I also know many more who regularly do those things. I don't think it's possible to make a generalization based on country of origin.

This makes sense to me. The generation of mine is quite different from my father's and younger generations here. The ideology of our people changes kinda swiftly from the conservative to the relative open, along with the political policies change. (I don't define what is good and what is bad to me when it comes to the openness and conservativeness.)

I travelled to the US, and I asked American friends to show me around about ordinary American lives, but they just took me onto their yacht, nice restaurants and some tourist spots. I still don't exactly know the American lives.

I think our people have a lot of misunderstanding on the real life of Americans and the reality there. Many of them learn from Hollywood movies and saw you people kissed lavishly in public on the screen. And some of them start to emulate, and inappropriately address strangers honey, and claim Americans do this. I think just relatively less Americans would do that.

I assume hand-holding in public is accepted by the American mainstream, but probably many people would frown upon French kissed, overly carresses conducted in public places, i.e. carriages of the subway, etc. where people have to watch the scene.

I wonder whether or not there is trend that younger American generations become more open. I mean they don't feel embarrassed to display affection in the public comparing to the older generations.

Is there anything or movement there make people of different generations change about this? Feminism probably is one of them?

1 Reply

@iclearwater,

Iclear,
Where are you from?
There are generational differences when it comes to openness, but the changes don't always go in the same direction. Children (sometimes) choose to be different than their parents. Open minded liberal parents might find that their grown children have become very conservative, and vice versa.

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Relationship/Culture: Hand holding between Couples

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