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Sun 2 Jan, 2005 06:01 am
The girl who ties the string about her neck.
What for,
What for?
Whatever could this be for?
A sign of submission,
Though subtle it be,
But how is this so,
With a soul so free?
Maybe just to be cute and young,
Attention for the porcelain neck,
Where the bowed string is hung.
But how could this be,
When she craves not attention?
Only one man may stare,
Less preserves the affection.
Why then, my dear, is this string around your neck?
It's odd to say the least, though with all due respect.
Just another odd thing for an eccentric such as thee?
Oh well, Whatever. If it keeps you pleased...
Normally, I don't like words such as "thee" in modern poetry, but as the protaganist is eccentric, I think it works. With a little editing, this could be a powerful piece.
powerful? eeeh, I don't go for powerful. I just go for stupid phrases that have been stuck in my head for a long time, and base loads of poetry off of it.. And I'm too lazy to edit. Much too lazy.... I think it's pretty this way. *pets it*
Thanks for the input though! Always good to know that my work is somehow shitty, Keeps me from getting all big-headed about it. XD
Well...I wasn't going for 'shitty', more like 'has potential'. I started writing poetry when I was about your age (15 was it?) but never edited until quite recently (I'm 34 now). If you decide to pursue writing seriously in the future, you will probably start editing, just on instinct, as you get better. Anyway, all in all, very good piece in general.
Editing also doesn't have to be tedious, just a word change here and there, restructuring a phrase, it's not like reworking a novel.
Meh, one of these days, maybe..
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