drowning in myself

The body is a house of many windows: there we all sit, showing ourselves and crying on the passers-by to come and love us. ~Robert Louis Stevenson



Everyday I find myself drowning in possibility, every gasp of breath a vital decision. Every thought a beginning, every choice leading me to who I am. But how am I to know who I am?..when will I stop struggling, fighting myself? Maybe that is who I am..a person struggling to know who I am, forever creating an image a being..of not only who I am but who I want to be. I am not something that can be found, like a lost sock or a stolen shoe. Maybe the only way to find who we are is to play many roles in the world..to wear a mask, to be as though you're someone else. Shakespeare said "the world is a stage and all the men and women merely players." Yet my life isn't a script written for me. I am cast in a play and I do not know my lines..i'm learning them making them up as I go on.



How is it I can be all the things the world wants me to be..what I want to be when it seems that who I am and who I want to be isn't really who I am or who the world wants me to be. Bold, courages, yet meek poised and humble..smart intuitive yet not proud. It seems my problem is the world expects too much of me.. to be someone else while being who I am,.when I can give the world neither. I expect too much from myself, and am wearing myself out trying to make up the lines as I go on..trying to "create" and find a place in this world. Some think it is so awful to be misunderstood..but I believe its better to understand than to be understood. So I'll continue to drown in the possibilities of myself, gasping for breath struggling for the day I'll wake up and realize who I want to be has become who I am and what the world wants from me