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Sat 1 Jan, 2005 12:08 pm
Snuggling in my blanket, lying on my bed, flat like a piece of scorched toast, my eyelids dropped. The charismatic voice keep lingering, echoing back and forth as if it anchored my consciousness, revitalizing my moribund soul, which was being undermined by the relentless obsessions. The haphazard trial did surprised me outright. Besides, torrents of thoughts flashed and loomed in the void. I was unable to cope with the intractable crux, the trek of torture. I saw tides swirling towards me; out of the blue, I was still able to float. Thanked to the incentive words that gave me a impetus, a nice motivation. However, the next second, I saw myraids of images glistening on the top surface of the water, which dominated by the fettered chains of anxiety, confusion and frustration. Alas, I panicked and lost my balance, dropping into the bottomless abyss...
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1 scorched toast doesnt lie flat, it begins to curl , so your metaphor needed some work
2 Ill bet that you can say this wole thhougt much simpler and , by simpler, it becoms more interessting to the reader. I once heard a lesson from Stephen King regarding Steinbecks writing. In " Mice..." Steinbeck had a rather complex sentence of over 55 words. Of those 55 words, only 8 were of 2 or more syllables, and all of tthe words were not plopped in because they sound important. They had a job to do, and tey did it quite well. I think you should go and blue line all your words that are "fine" words , not worker words , and then replace the fine words with more everyday languaage. Oterwise, you begin to sound like HP Lovecraft
Jamezun, Welcome to A2K.
I think the image that you create is easy to see in the mind's eye. I would try, "....struggling in my blanket..." as opposed to snuggling, because it better defines your frustration.
"...the haphazard trial did surprised me outright..." is a little out of place, and doesn't give us a clear allusion.
Keep writing and refining, Jamezun.
(farmerman, has everaugust gotten to you? <smile>)
I totally agree w/ the two posts above--- simpler. your big words aren't impressing me, they're just getting in the way. I enjoyed the original thought-- it just needs some dumbing down, if you will.
Well
Well, in fact im the only one who truly know what the writing was about, I was writing the things happened on one specific day when I met someone I love... However... >.<
Okay, but I wasn't criticizing the IDEA of the poem-- the subject matter was a-ok. Good, in fact. It's something you feel passionately about... it was word choice, that's all.
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