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Mon 29 Nov, 2004 03:25 pm
It gets so lonely sometimes, out here in the cold
Disaster is bound to unfold
Under all the onus of my life
Everything I do seems to cause strife
No matter how hard I try
Never will my cheeks be dry
I'm standing here all alone
My unbearable pain unknown
The path I walk is a bleak one
I'm always searching for a ray of sun
Because I don't always say it
Doesn't mean I don't feel it
It's been me against the whole world for a long time
Life is a task that's so sublime
That I don't know if I can make it
The easiest thing for me to do is quit
Is it worth it to care about you?
And then have it all mean nothing to you?
It feels like we're drifting apart
But you'll forever be in my heart
I need some help with the fluidity. Any comment or critique is appreciated. Thanks.
This I can identify with.....I like it!
Excellent! The rhymes seem a bit forced (i.e. life/strife; time/sublime). The word 'onus' seems out of place. I think this poem would go from excellent to great if you revised it with slant rhymes and simplified the language a bit.
"I don't always say it" so I just did it.
It's lonely out here in the cold
Disaster seems destined to unfold
Under all the strain of this life
Everything seems to cause strife
No matter how hard the tries
It seems mist is always in the eyes
Standing here all alone
Unbearable pain unknown
The path walked is a bleak one
Searching for the light of sun
Because I don't always say it
Doesn't mean I don't pray it
Against the world for a long time
Life the task so sublime
Don't know if it can be said
The easiest thing is to play dead
Is it worth it to care about you?
And then have it all mean nothing new?
It feels like we're drifting apart
But you'll forever be in my heart
Thanks for rewriting it Creed of Kings! I like it!
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