A Spaniel's Ear is a Fractal in the Wind

Then we shall all sing in hominy.

Hey, Cav. That was a goodun'. Now try playing around with collard greens. What's your doggie's name?

I really like the title. The poem pulls back a bit from the promise of the title, I think -- a little too representational/ straightforward -- but it's nice!

Hmm....interesting comments soz. I thought the wordplay was pretty obscure....it's just a first draft, what might you suggest I change? It could certainly be expanded.

Just dredging up memories of that thread on criticism....never use 'nice', it's generally a euphemism for 'it sucks'. Believe me, you are not treading on my feelings, feel free to be honest here.

You say the piece pulls back from the promise of the title, and that intrigues me. However, I'm not quite sure what you mean by that. Should it be more symbolic/cryptic?

Letty, the dog's name is Austin. He's still a beautiful dog as of this moment.

Hiya Cav,

I added the exclamation point 'cause "nice" by itself is SO damning with faint praise... ;-)

Well, it's a taste thing among others, but I tend to be more grabbed by new ways of saying things and/ or exceptional imagery. My preference in poems is no unnecessary words. So,



Good! Suggestive without spelling things out.



Pedestrian. The words aren't particularly interesting, they don't contribute too much. Just kinda there.



"mine-yoot" is cute, certainly interesting, but does it distract or contribute to the poem overall? "curls in chestnut shades", no no no. Is this a beauty feature?



Again, just telling, not the ultimate word choice ever, not particularly evocative, not particularly mellifulous (is that a word? i don't think so but I'm in a rush), not particularly anything. Blonde, mahogany. OK.



Better, but I'm allergic to "like" in poems. Just say "ears flapping/ tongues on fire" or something.



The flapping ears? Not clear.



Cuteness again. Which is fine, I like cute poems too, cute poems have their place. But just expanding on what I said about the promise of the title.

Thanks sozobe. Good suggestions, good criticism.

Thanks!

I was like cowering.

:-D

I have thick skin, and you have good suggestions. When will we see some of your own writing?

I think I've posted some already. Haven't I?

I'll do it sometime, the old stuff feels too old and I haven't been inspired to write anything new lately.

No claims to good writing myself btw.

I don't really know sozobe. I'll be sure to keep an eye out when you get inspired again.

2nd draft based on some of sozobe's suggestions. I am keeping 'measure mine-yoot' and 'sole' because I think they are actually quite layered. I did remove extraneous words and lines though. Thoughts are welcome.

More streamlined and meaningful now.

psst

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=40036

Thanks sozobe. I just posted some ideas in your thread.