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A Spaniel's Ear is a Fractal in the Wind

 
 
cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2004 11:03 am
Then we shall all sing in hominy.
0 Replies
 
Letty
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2004 11:09 am
Hey, Cav. That was a goodun'. Now try playing around with collard greens. What's your doggie's name?
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2004 11:13 am
I really like the title. The poem pulls back a bit from the promise of the title, I think -- a little too representational/ straightforward -- but it's nice!
0 Replies
 
cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2004 09:16 pm
Hmm....interesting comments soz. I thought the wordplay was pretty obscure....it's just a first draft, what might you suggest I change? It could certainly be expanded.

Just dredging up memories of that thread on criticism....never use 'nice', it's generally a euphemism for 'it sucks'. Razz Believe me, you are not treading on my feelings, feel free to be honest here.

You say the piece pulls back from the promise of the title, and that intrigues me. However, I'm not quite sure what you mean by that. Should it be more symbolic/cryptic?

Letty, the dog's name is Austin. Smile He's still a beautiful dog as of this moment.
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2004 09:39 pm
Hiya Cav,

I added the exclamation point 'cause "nice" by itself is SO damning with faint praise... ;-)

Well, it's a taste thing among others, but I tend to be more grabbed by new ways of saying things and/ or exceptional imagery. My preference in poems is no unnecessary words. So,

Quote:
A spaniel's ear
is a fractal
in the wind.


Good! Suggestive without spelling things out.

Quote:
Neverending,
complexity


Pedestrian. The words aren't particularly interesting, they don't contribute too much. Just kinda there.

Quote:
with measure mine-yoot,
shifting curls
in chestnut shades,


"mine-yoot" is cute, certainly interesting, but does it distract or contribute to the poem overall? "curls in chestnut shades", no no no. Is this a beauty feature?

Quote:
near blonde
to mahogany


Again, just telling, not the ultimate word choice ever, not particularly evocative, not particularly mellifulous (is that a word? i don't think so but I'm in a rush), not particularly anything. Blonde, mahogany. OK.

Quote:
ears,
flapping in the breeze
like tongues on fire


Better, but I'm allergic to "like" in poems. Just say "ears flapping/ tongues on fire" or something.

Quote:
much to the animal's distress,


The flapping ears? Not clear.

Quote:
clear windows
to the sole.


Cuteness again. Which is fine, I like cute poems too, cute poems have their place. But just expanding on what I said about the promise of the title.
0 Replies
 
cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2004 09:41 pm
Thanks sozobe. Good suggestions, good criticism.
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2004 09:42 pm
Thanks!

I was like cowering.

:-D
0 Replies
 
cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2004 09:44 pm
Laughing I have thick skin, and you have good suggestions. When will we see some of your own writing?
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2004 09:46 pm
I think I've posted some already. Haven't I?

I'll do it sometime, the old stuff feels too old and I haven't been inspired to write anything new lately.

No claims to good writing myself btw.
0 Replies
 
cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Dec, 2004 09:57 pm
I don't really know sozobe. I'll be sure to keep an eye out when you get inspired again.
0 Replies
 
cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Dec, 2004 07:58 am
2nd draft based on some of sozobe's suggestions. I am keeping 'measure mine-yoot' and 'sole' because I think they are actually quite layered. I did remove extraneous words and lines though. Thoughts are welcome.
0 Replies
 
sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Dec, 2004 10:03 am
More streamlined and meaningful now.

psst

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=40036
0 Replies
 
cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Dec, 2004 10:16 am
Thanks sozobe. I just posted some ideas in your thread.
0 Replies
 
 

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