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Take your pryin eyes some where else.
your bout to piss him the f**k off.
So just back the hell off before he unleashes the beast.
You provoke him again and you'll see just how weak and timed he is.
The outside belies what lies on the inside.
This rage and pain will not be contained anymore.
There is no forgiveness left inside for the likes of you.
Go ahead and cry your eyes out for there is no pity left inside,
for the beast cares not for your pathic soul.
He just wants to naw the flesh from your bones.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
and so my poems have come back to bite me in the ass
along with one of the few mistakes iv ever made hmm *shrugs*

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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 741 • Replies: 10

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Let's see if I can move more than one word! Deep, as always, laced with poisonous rage. Apparently based on a series of incidents within a relationship, with a decision for its termination reached. I like it. Wordy enough?

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lol yea its alil wordy but..
i cant yell at others even when they yell at me so this is my way of yellin back.ill clean it up later so its not so wordy but for now it stays as is

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Vex, I wonder if you incoporate a little real life dialogue into your poems, and stick to the real, basic words needed to tell your story, that is, edit, cut it down, it might be more powerful. Your words are strong enough already, but I wanna see them hurt like a bullet, my man.

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(edit a few thing changed in the first post to make it smaller)

i incoporate things id like to say but don't b/c i cant find the words and don't like to hurt others feelings.I have consideraion for other even when they have none for me odd no?

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Vex86 wrote:

(edit a few thing changed in the first post to make it smaller)

i incoporate things id like to say but don't b/c i cant find the words and don't like to hurt others feelings.I have consideraion for other even when they have none for me odd no?

Well, it's not like you need to name anyone, just kick it up a notch, so to speak, with a dose of reality. Use that compassion to temper your words, make the reader really feel not only your pain, but your struggle as well, as a caring, but angry soul. Don't be afraid of the words, I know they are in you. :wink:

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What's this beast thingymejiggy? I be scared I be! Shocked

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lol the beast is a way of sayin rage and anger that consumes an takes over. everyone has a point when they just don't care anymore and "the beast" seem like a good way to put it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the silent yell

No you can't help me.
You can't help yourself let alone me.
So take your pryin eyes some where else.
your bout to piss me the f**k off.
So just back the hell off.
You provoke me again and we'll see just how weak and timed I'am.
The outside belies what lies on the inside.
This rage and pain will not be contained anymore.
I have no forgiveness left for you.
Im not wrong this time this is all on you.
Go ahead and cry your eyes out.
There is no pity left in this heart of mine for you.
And besides your the one that yelled not me.

cav what can i say i don't like bein mad i don't even like to write about it
but it gets it out of me an i feel alil bit better after i do write it down

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Vex86 wrote:

lol the beast is a way of sayin rage and anger that consumes an takes over. everyone has a point when they just don't care anymore and "the beast" seem like a good way to put it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the silent yell

No you can't help me.
You can't help yourself let alone me.
So take your pryin eyes some where else.
your bout to piss me the f**k off.
So just back the hell off.
You provoke me again and we'll see just how weak and timed I'am.
The outside belies what lies on the inside.
This rage and pain will not be contained anymore.
I have no forgiveness left for you.
Im not wrong this time this is all on you.
Go ahead and cry your eyes out.
There is no pity left in this heart of mine for you.
And besides your the one that yelled not me.

cav what can i say i don't like bein mad i don't even like to write about it
but it gets it out of me an i feel alil bit better after i do write it down

The pen (or in this case, thy keyboard) is always mightier than the sword. I felt exactly where you were coming from, how you had to shut yourself down from feeling anything other than emptiness towards this person. You have obviously always been the forgiver and are now numbed to the compassion one is seeking yet again..

I am no critic by any means of anyone's work and cav is incredible at giving wonderful advice. Me, I just listen and feel....

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aaahaha! I love this so uberly much, seriously. lotsa emotion and anger, yeehaw!

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Vex86 wrote:

lol the beast is a way of sayin rage and anger that consumes an takes over. everyone has a point when they just don't care anymore and "the beast" seem like a good way to put it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the silent yell

No you can't help me.
You can't help yourself let alone me.
So take your pryin eyes some where else.
your bout to piss me the f**k off.
So just back the hell off.
You provoke me again and we'll see just how weak and timed I'am.
The outside belies what lies on the inside.
This rage and pain will not be contained anymore.
I have no forgiveness left for you.
Im not wrong this time this is all on you.
Go ahead and cry your eyes out.
There is no pity left in this heart of mine for you.
And besides your the one that yelled not me.

cav what can i say i don't like bein mad i don't even like to write about it
but it gets it out of me an i feel alil bit better after i do write it down

That is very cool Vex. I would love to hear this rewrite set to music.

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