Mon 5 Jun, 2017 11:58 am
My husband and I had a whirlwind romance. Love a first sight and married four months later. It was like we had known each other for years! When we had met and were dating we both wanted the same thing- an old fashioned country simple life. We talked children and one day having a small farm, we both loved horses and he always went on and on about how he loved to train and work with animals- I thought I had met my cowboy! We went horseback riding all the time always outside gardening- sitting on the front porch watching the sun go down- he always said he wanted a fixer upper since he has been a builder for years and loves doing handy man type things. Well here is the problem, we have been married for a little over two years and just welcomed our first child. We both should be very happy. Everything we said we wanted we are doing, starting a family, we just bought a fixer upper older house, I'm going to start riding lessons back up in the fall but I have realized that the cowboy I married is no cowboy. However he is a hard worker but everything changed once we were married and I have talked to him about it a million times and now with a baby it still has not gotten better. My husband works hard, but comes home and sits his butt I front of the tv and that's where he stays- he doesn't even ask to hold the baby or get up if the baby starts crying or needs anything. If I ask him to maybe give the baby a bottle so I could eat or get a shower or get dinner for the both of us he acts like it's the end of the world. This fixer upper he wanted so bad because he said he wanted to build his family a home he has. It done anything with- while I was pregnant I was painting and fixing the windows and making the home livable before the baby arrived. For being such an animal lover he won't even take care of the dogs- I feed water and walk them which I don't mind but I did it while pregnant and now with an three week old. He won't help- he is a grown man and won't clean up after himself- I have said countlesss times that he makes me feel like a maid. But he never tries. He can't shut a kitchen cabinet door or put the milk back in the fridge or wash a dish or at least place his cereal bowl in the sink. All do all the night feedings for the baby and have her all day- I love being a mom and I know it's part of being a parent but I feel like when I ask if he can hold the baby so I can shower it shouldn't be a big deal..... I feel like he lied to me about the kind of man and lifestyle he was. I said countless times if this is how my life is going to be then I did not wish to be married and he just says I expect too much. I thought I would have this hard working man who one day would have a farm and animals and a yard full of kids but all he does is sit on Facebook and complains about how tired he is and how much he does. I'm a woman of God and I do not believe in divorce but I feel like a maid- this was never the life I wanted..... am I wrong to want to end our marriage or do I keep hoping that maybe the next time we have the same conversation he might actually be the man I thought I was marrying? You just have to understand I have this man everything- everything he ever wanted- even used all my savings to get him out of debt which he kept hidden until after the wedding- I sold all my horse tack and riding gear and worked two jobs to be able to buy our house. I love him and wouldn't ever remarry or anything but I feel like he lied about who he is
Have you talked to your priest/pastor/minister/rabbi/imam about this? get some help to get your husband into counselling with you.
Did the problems start when you became pregnant?
If not, why didn't you go for counselling before you became pregnant?
We did go to counseling, he said it was just because he is too busy working. We went many times but he never tried to make things different and he just stopped going to church and counseling. Says he doesn't need it.
Have you gone to counselling on your own? talked to the counsellor about your options? what did the counsellor say when your husband stopped going?
He sounds depressed. Financial problems? Death in the family? Weight change?
You dont say how old you both are.
Kids change everything. Maybe you are not the same woman he thought you were, too.
At least give counseling a try. Tell him you arent feeling well and want to discuss things with him in front of a third party.
Are there relatives of his nearby? Do they sense a change in him, too?
Marriage is a commitment and needs to be understood that both individuals will work together to make their relationship work. We can’t expect to “change” one another simply because expectations aren’t met. When we marry there are going to be compromises. The two of you working together to function as one. When we use “love” to define an emotion we can deceive ourselves into questioning if we really do, because emotions change. Love is not how we feel, because feelings and emotions change. But when we act in the best interests of the other, we know the reality of it by what we do for them. Love is acting in the best interests of the other. So, when a person says they “love you,” their “doing” goes a long way to show the other that love is real. Give your marriage time to work out the things both of you need to deepen your relationship. It’s not easy, I know. But it will be well worth it! Most of the time divorce can be avoided. I hope your marriage relationship deepens as he sees how much you love him!