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Mon 15 Nov, 2004 08:50 pm
I tried posting this earlier. Not sure if it worked, so bear with me if it's a dup. Not sure how i feel about this one. Thinking i lost something in it's length. opinions appreciated.
Threre's constant commotion all around
Though it rarely ever makes a sound
Still in and out of lives it weaves
Capturing our heart is what it seeks
This ever present winding force
Has a perfectly planned and direct course
It seeks to satisfy our needs
That is within both you and me
The reason that we may exist
The thing that leads to that first kiss
The word that I am afraid to say
Although I'm feeling it everyday
You've cast a spell on me it seems
It is toward you that my heart leads
Do you have a special song?
That's made my heart seek you so long?
I do not know how or when
It was my heart that you did win
All I know is what I feel
That my love for you is real
Yes love is that winding force
The one with that perfect course
And in love it is, am I to thee
For love hath taken ahold me.
Cactuschyk
Threre's constant commotion all around
Though it rarely ever makes a sound
Still in and out of lives it weaves
(i think you could do without the still)
Capturing our heart is what it seeks
This ever present winding force
Has a perfectly planned and direct course
(maybe yet instead of and)
It seeks to satisfy our needs
That is within both you and me
The reason that we may exist
The thing that leads to that first kiss
(perhaps our instead of that)
The word that I am afraid to say
Although I'm feeling it everyday
You've cast a spell on me it seems
It is toward you that my heart leads
(it's instead of it is (makes it wordy))
Do you have a special song?
That's made my heart seek you so long?
I do not know how or when
It was my heart that you did win
(take out that (wordy))
All I know is what I feel
That my love for you is real
Yes love is that winding force
The one with that perfect course
And in love it is, am I to thee
For love hath taken ahold me.
(i dont know what to do with the last one, it just doesnt fit to me with the thee and hath )
just my thoughts... dont have to listen. over all i think its a good poem i like it hope to read more from you
Along with Seed's sage advice, I would make this less an obvious lyric and stylize it with a more contemporary bent. Don't force your rhymes, because you will quickly lose the reader, no matter the importance of the message. I would love to see a revised version of this poem - it shows promise!
smartly said kelly somehow i forgot to mention that... i agree with you aswell.. but a great poem though
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