hidden from your presence (help)

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i stand and see you
looking out your window

not much seperates us
just pane of glass and distance

hand reaches out
towards your face

a single finger
traces the edge of your face

my chest stretches out
rising in and falling in a sigh

so close, i can remember
memories flooding back

gazing up i long to be beside you
yet hidden from your presence

i feel i something missing from this... any help would be great

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to me it feels as tho it is missing a ending
an if i may say the last 4 lines do not fit as well as they could

so close, i can remember
memories come flooding back

gazing up i long to be by your side
yet hidden from your grace

as...

just a though no harm ment
an i do like what you have so far and good luck finding that missing part

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thanks... i thought the same about the end... i will have to work on that...

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It reads like a very rough draft, so there is a lot missing. One starting point might be to remove the "I" from the equation, rewrite to make it more universal. This is the sort of piece, going on the emotions, that you need to write for the reader, not yourself. Take it or leave it, it's just a thought:

He stands and sees her
gazing out her window,

nothing seperating them,
just a thin plate of glass,
and distance.

Tell us the story. I've seen you do it before. Wink

You can do it again.

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thanks cav i'll see what i can get out

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Looking forward to it.

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He sees her there
standing under the window

A thin sheet of glass
seperating the one he loves

slowly his hand glides up
reaching towards her face

his finger taking the lead slowly
tracing the intmate edges of her face

with each curve he remembers
a sight and memory of their life

Her gaze escapes that pane of glass
toward him, her eyes cut

his breath caught in his throat
for perhaps she saw him

she shows sign of knowing
he is hidden in her presence

absent from her view
a tear falls down his face

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I personally liked it better when it was "I" and not "he". feels more real that way....and not like a story....just my opinion :wink:

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i got both ways.. not sure which one i like yet... i put more on with the second... i could write it easier with the story element...

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so what do you guys think of the second version?

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I like the second version better, for this piece. I know what Pessy is saying, but not every poem needs to be first person to get a message across. Sometimes it's better to go with a universal theme to make a point. While poetry is always personal, you have to keep the reader in mind. I write a lot of stuff in first person, as metaphor, but not in every write.

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thanks cav.... i like it better that way too... thanks for the idea

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Seed, the second version was much smoother than the first, and as for StandUp's comment, the use of the first person does make it more individualistic. It depends if you are speaking for all men/women who look "through a glass darkly..."

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thanks Letty... i agree, much more smoother...

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This was a fun thread to read. Nothing pleases this poet than seeing fellow poets helping each other. Great job, guys and gals! Nice poem, too!

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thanks kelly.. yea i love helping and being helped

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And at the buffet of the mind, there is nothing better than another helping!

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lol thats a great sentence kelly

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Thanks mighty Seed :-)

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I have an idea. Why not dub all of us The Quick Poet's Society.

And who shall be the captain?

The first person to get the allusion receives a gold leaf.

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hidden from your presence (help)

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