The effects of change to a girl who thinks...

Welcome, Lex. That's a unique form of poem.

Echoing stuh's welcome, Lex.

I would change the first two lines to read:

A girl sits in a park
Of wild creatures roaming about.

You do need to edit your poem for certain usage errors, but I like the idea and I hope you continue to post and to polish.

Welcome, an yes, I agree with Letty. With some editing, this could be a wonderful lyric piece. Letty is correct about editing and polishing, especially for usage errors. If you like, we could help you out there. The concept is great.

that would be great
Sure, I'd love for people to help with this poem. I wrote basically just wrote down the thoughts that popped out my head and put them on paper, not really realizing the errors. Thanks

I am not a fan of such things as 'u' for 'you'. I tend to be a traditionalist in that way. Don't get me wrong, I think this is a fine piece. I hesitate to extend the license we hold as poets to the battering of the language.

Re: that would be great


Now that we have permission, I, like kellyvinal, do not like 'u' substituted for 'you.' Contextually, 'u' would only work in a piece regarding internet-speak, or internet language. For the 3rd line, you could remove the 'about'. If you do that, you could also remove the comma from the 2nd line. I would also suggest reworking the 4th and 5th lines as posted here (take it or leave it, it is your poem). It would read:

A girl sits in a park
of wild creatures roaming about
her land of thoughts and being,
some just move by,
others trample every emotion,

u tell 'em 4 m3 cav!

Re: that would be great





Thanks for the awesome feedback. I liked your ideas, about the "u" thing i just got into the habit.

A girl sits in a park
of wild creatures roaming about
her land of thoughts and being,
some just move by,
others trample every emotion,
unwilling to change for the good of people,
of themself,
change is good sometimes,
it carries many things,
people,
emotions, it creates history,
which in turn becomes part of you,
your very being,
the thing that makes you,
well you,
people think that thing girl is..,
well rather too out- landish,
in many things she does,
her happy state,but some still know the true colors which shine so bright,
bright enough to shine through a shadowed persons' being,
helping them through pain,
through the process of change,
some things never change,
the girl of speak of,
one who is so familiar,
is me. for i am bright now, and shine through all those clouds which hide the sun,
the sun of which all life depends on,
the one thing that warms the very existence of humanity.
no, the world doesnt revolve around one person,
the sun revolves around many people,
creating their own personal sun,
whats your person sun from which u are being? being yourself,
your true nature,
for u are exactly that,
the essence of existence.