Live Strong

Hi there, and welcome. I can't help but be a little confused as to where your determination at the end comes from...I get the sense that you don't get any joy out of life from this poem, but you just want to stick it out so that you won't be a disappointment to God. That's rather depressing...why not make some real goals for your life, and live for yourself? Anyway, I hope what I said doesn't offend you.

I'm with stuh on this. What I'm not feeling here is how God inspires you to do better for yourself. If God has truly inspired you to get over hardship, it's only showing here on a very superficial layer.

If this is intended as an inspirational poem, I would include God from the beginning, and intertwine that imagery with your own experiences, rather than leave God until the end, then suggest that others should live like you. Not all readers are going to share your religion, but if reworked, people might be able to relate to your experiences. The sentiments are clear, but it needs a rewrite. Show the reader what it feels like to have the Kingdom of God within you, even in the face of adversity, don't just tell them.

amateurwriter, I do not understand the line I have quoted below.
It is not natural to ME to want to give it all up, and not for a lot of persons I know, persons who Love their Savior, Jesus Christ with all their heart. It makes them live all the more abundantly!

But it is your prose, and surely you can word it as you feel it. but think it over and be happy, huh?





Incidentally, nice to meet you.

It seems so narrow and personal that I can't discern the meaning. I recommend you add some contextual elements to bring the readers in on the thesis.