A little poem, feedback anyone?

It's a very nice poem, but I think more people would feel the want to read it if the lay out was a bit different. Right now it just looks like a big blob...no offense....it looks like it wasn't supposed to turn out that way, but it did. Just a suggestion. Welcome to a2k.....be sure to check out and comment on other people's work here in the original writing forum!

As I watch the last leaf on the last tree of autumn fall, a shock is sent through me -- an almost instinctive message from your eyes, through your heart, and to your brain.

Is this it? Is this the end of fall? Will we never again see the vibrant red and brilliant yellow of the leaves as they float gracefully to the ground?

Can words on a page actually describe what you feel when you see the glimmer of autumn trees in the dying sunlight below a crimson sky? A light, an answer, and behold the truth of a portrait painted beauty.

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Hope you don't mind. Fixed a few small undebatable grammar issues and formatted it a little nicer. I think it has potential but some of the sentences sort of make me wince, mainly from the odd word usage...I'm not sure if that's intentional?

Thanks for the grammar feedback, the odd word ussage was intentional, sometimes its kind of my style

Format in poetry is important. I think the codes got jumbled. I enjoy what you have expressed, but I would like to see this one formatted as you intended.

hey
could someone review my poems?

I hate the way…

I hate the way you make me laugh…
I hate the way you make me feel…
I hate the way I have to pretend…
I hate the way you don't even know…
I hate the way you walk…
The way you talk…
But most of all I hate the way I love you.



"I Tried"


I tried to get your attention, get you to notice me
I tried so hard, I really did
But you didn't even care
You hardly ever gave me a glance
I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you, but
Apparently she is
Tell me what's so special about her
Obviously it's something I just don't have
Never can, never will get it
As much as I try, I'm not like her
Not even close

"Oh, I tried so hard and what do I get
Absolutely nothing, guess that's it
There's nothing I can do, but wait
Around for you to come to"

"Oh, I tried so hard, yes I did
I tried so hard I made my face blue
But you still didn't come to
You still didn't notice me,
Not now, not ever, guess you never will"

You're to blind to see what's right in front of your face,
What always was there and what always
Will be right in front of your nose
But you'll never know it,
You're always too busy with your girl
To notice any others
But, you'll see when you finally see me
I won't be there, the only thing left
Will be my shadow, nothing else
Then you'll be sorry
Sorry you never took the time
To see what was right in front of you the whole time
You thought I'd always be there,
But you were wrong; oh you'll never know
How wrong you were

"Oh, I tried so hard, but you just couldn't see
I was as perfect for you as you were for me
But you just couldn't see me no matter how hard I tried
I was still invisible to you"
I tried one last time to make you see
How happy we could be
But you walked right through me
I was as invisible as can be
Just as invisible as can be

thanx

MMMMMMM yes. This is much better. Except it is a different poem! At any rate, I like it. Absolutely screaming for attention!

um... kellyvinal the person who the first poem and the person who wrote the second poem are two different people. i (hottennispro88) saw this forum and thought i would post one of my own poems up here to see if it could get feedback. sorry for any confusion.

anyway now that you know that that poem is mine can you give me feedback on a couple other poems i have written?

this is a much shorter version of my original poem. tell me if you like better this way or the long way.

I Tried (the shorter version)

tried to get your attention, get you to notice me
You hardly ever gave me a glance
I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you, but
Apparently she is
Tell me what's so special about her
Obviously it's something I just don't have
Never can, never will get it
As much as I try, I'm not like her
Not even close You're to blind to see what's
right in front of your face, What always was
there and
what always Will be right in front of your nose
But you'll never know it,You're always too busy
with your girl To notice any others
But, you'll see when you finally see me
I won't be there, the only thing left
Will be my shadow, nothing else Then you'll
be sorry.


and then this one it's about what what love can do to you and make you feel.

"Love"

Love can be a beautiful thing
It can ensnare your senses
Confuse you as to which way is up
It can make you do stupid things,
Dangerous things
If you get far enough in it can control you
Make you do things you wouldn't normally do
Love is the best feeling in the world until…
It all comes crashing down
Then it's a nightmare
One you just can't seem to wake up from
You're plagued by thoughts of what if…
It can be heartbreaking
To think your not the one they want
You beat yourself up
You wonder what you did wrong
You know you still want them
But it hurts knowing they don't want you
They rip your heart out and eat it for dinner
But that's after they step on it a few times
And leave it there bleeding
For all to see
You feel so out in the open
So fragile and useless
Like the next puff of wind could blow you away
Yes, love is definitely a beautiful thing…
Until it goes wrong.

and lastly myshort poem "I hate the way"


I hate the way you make me laugh…
I hate the way you make me feel…
I hate the way I have to pretend…
I hate the way you don't even know…
I hate the way you walk…
The way you talk…
But most of all I hate the way I love you.


thanx for reviewing

opps, sorry i posted the same poem twice just ignore one of them i didn't see it there when i posted.

If you want better feed back, I suggest starting your own thread!

well, excuse me i just saw this one and though i'd put mine on here.

I was duped!!! :-)