grandchildren never say thank you

@maxdancona,

Society changes, yes, but some things do not change. Consideration for others and selflessness are virtues that are still as valuable today as in the days of Socrates. These qualities are not inherent in young children. Children are born self-centered, not other centered, and it is the responsibility of parents to pass these values along to their children, otherwise children will grow up to think only of themselves. Teaching children to show appreciation is for the good of the child as well. Saying thank you is more than just "a formality." The person who demonstrates gratitude will be a person who will be well liked by others and will make friends easily. Yes, the world will go on in spite of the niceties this is true, but it would be an overall better world if parents would take the time to teach their children some of the virtues that never go out of style.

1 Reply

@Demiller,

Demiller wrote:

Society changes, yes, but some things do not change. Consideration for others and selflessness are virtues that are still as valuable today as in the days of Socrates. These qualities are not inherent in young children. Children are born self-centered, not other centered, and it is the responsibility of parents to pass these values along to their children, otherwise children will grow up to think only of themselves. Teaching children to show appreciation is for the good of the child as well. Saying thank you is more than just "a formality." The person who demonstrates gratitude will be a person who will be well liked by others and will make friends easily. Yes, the world will go on in spite of the niceties this is true, but it would be an overall better world if parents would take the time to teach their children some of the virtues that never go out of style.

Spoken as a true grandmother. I mostly agree with you... although every generation values consideration, they have very different ideas on how consideration is expressed.

It is the role of parents to correct, discipline and pass down values to children. I have done this as best I can, and my adult children have a slightly different set of values than I have (they are their own people), but they are doing well in life.

As a grandparent, I am going to enjoy my grandchildren as they are. That is my role as a grandparent. I have one child left, but once she is an adult, I am done with parenting.

Do you have gratitude for your grandchildren? They may not follow your values, and they certainly aren't perfect... but I am sure they have qualities that are admirable. Do you have gratitude for them?

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@maxdancona,

Yes, of course, and I always want what is best for them.

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@Demiller,

Demiller wrote:

Anyone would like to receive a note of gratitude as a courtesy (or at least a phone call). Part of the reward in giving is in knowing that your thoughtfulness made a difference in another person's life.

interesting take on things

I have never given a gift expecting any response from the recipient.

I do not expect any kind of reward for giving anyone anything.

That doesn't mean I don't appreciate a thank you - but it is never expected.

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@Demiller,

Do your grandchildren ever call you to say hi, or to see how you are doing? Do your grandchildren call to share with you things that are going on in their lives? Do your grandchildren have a loving relationship with you? They may have been showing you how much they appreciate you all along.

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@ehBeth,

It truly is more blessed to give than to receive and I enjoy giving freely to those I care about. I also give many hours a week to volunteer work. My point is that when a person goes to the trouble to buy, wrap and send a gift, it is a courtesy to acknowledge the giver. This is something my grandchildren (and your friends apparently) don't seem to understand. Young children especially should be taught to think of others and appreciate what others do for them.

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I've been fairly baffled by this thread. My experiences, somewhat like ehBeth's, don't jive with most of the responses.

I think the last time I wrote a thank you note was to thank folks for our wedding gifts, in the late seventies. I've lived on both coasts of the US and in the middle, in the Chicago area. When we moved from Chicago back to Los Angeles, I was thirteen in 1955 and had some good friends. We wrote real letters. That petered out as we all got through high school and beyond, so then there were Christmas cards with short notes.

I don't remember specifically calling people to thank them for a meal or giving me a birthday gift. That would be expressed at the time of the meal or the passing of the gift. If it was by given to me by mail (I don't remember that ever happening) I would have called in the next week, mention the gift, but primarily to talk about what we were up to.

My smart ass group of girlfriends would give each other presents on birthdays, but I remember no notes or calls except re when we'd try to get together soon.. We were all busy people. Who needs ten thank you calls?

I get it that a country that is large - or even a small one - will have cultural differences from place to place, and even within families.

What has baffled me most is that Demiller is going to punish the grandchild with no more presents, since the parents failed to instill the child, turning seven, on Demiller's rules of courteous deportment. Advising, I can see, if the parents agree, but no gift as a punishment is weird to me, when the child was used to birthday gifts. Such grandmotherly love.

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@Demiller,

Demiller wrote:

when a person goes to the trouble to buy, wrap and send a gift

we have very different perspectives on gift-giving, let alone what is expected in return.

I don't consider it trouble to give gifts.

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@Demiller,

Demiller wrote:

when a person goes to the trouble to buy, wrap and send a gift

I hope the child is not being taught that gift-giving is a burden to the gift-giver.

Gifts should be freely given, with joy and with love. Without expectation by the gift-giver.

Perhaps it is because I was raised as a Christian that I find this so odd.

1 Reply

@ossobucotemp,

I forgot to mention that I've given many small dinner parties in my time, lets say ten or twelve people, and don't think I've gotten calls or notes afterwards. With my friends, all the thanking goes on at the time of the dinner.

I've liked doing that and of course I did the house cleaning, cooking, except when my husband did too.

I should probably blame my behavior on being from California.

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@ossobucotemp,

Maybe we're just old, Osso Smile

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@Demiller,

Send your grandchild her gift then ask her on the telephone what she thought about it.

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@ehBeth,

That's it!!!

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@ossobucotemp,

I'm baffled that your idea of gifting a child with a new toy that will be put aside after a few hours (my grandchildren already have more toys than they can ever play with), is more important than instilling in the child values of consideration and unselfishness that will stick with her for a lifetime? So, in your opinion grandmotherly love is defined by giving the kids even more stuff that they don't need? Sorry, but I think there are better ways of showing love.

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@Demiller,

When I grew up, turning seven was considered to be reaching the age of reason. Punishing a kid on her birthday is not a loving thing to do. What her parents do about this is up to them.

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@ehBeth,

I find it odd that you say you're a Christian and yet you were never taught that God wants us to thank Him for His great gift of salvation through Jesus??? I thank Him every day for all He's done for me.

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@Demiller,

Demiller wrote:

I'm baffled that your idea of gifting a child with a new toy that will be put aside after a few hours (my grandchildren already have more toys than they can ever play with), is more important than instilling in the child values of consideration and unselfishness that will stick with her for a lifetime? So, in your opinion grandmotherly love is defined by giving the kids even more stuff that they don't need? Sorry, but I think there are better ways of showing love.

My grandmother gave me cookies and told me stories about her travels, my grandfather taught me how to shoot a gun. These were both experiences that I loved and treasured. My grandparents spoiled us, they gave us things and experiences that my parents didn't.

It is the job of the parents to install values. Parents need to be worried about discipline and limits and correcting behavior. And, parents are important... it is a difficult and important job.

It is not the job of a grandparent to instill values. That is what makes the role of grandparent so special... grandparents can focus on good experience and special memories. Leave the parenting to the parents.

My grandparents gave me food that my parents didn't want me to have. They took me places that my parents wouldn't have taken me. They insisted on taking us to Disney World (something I don't think my parents would have done). And all of this was thoughtful... they gave me things that were truly valuable (it wasn't just junk). I loved my time with them.

I have one granddaughter right now. I love her to death even though all she does is spit up on me. I plan to spoil her. Her parents can deal with the discipline and teaching and correction... that's not my job.

1 Reply

@maxdancona,

I learned values from my grandparents even though they didn't give me a lot of "stuff." I guess when I grew up people were not as materialistic as they are today.

grandchildren never say thank you

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