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Fri 29 Oct, 2004 08:55 am
Held back and pushed away
Never to finish what has started.
Life is a joy love is a toy, I feel pain and joy
but sorrow and fear more often.
Tears from you are the worst of all
You've made me cry, Only once
But, it made me think, Love is a game
A game I have failed. Or a test untaken.
This game is cruel but a nessecity in life.
The joys and smiles, the hate and the heart breaks
Love is a game, one I plan to lose but enjoy all the same
Very good! Now tweak this thing and you will be ready for prime time!
Well, what do you think should be tweaked? I haven't really studied it, I wrote it let a few people read it then posted it, what need's fixed, would you say?
It doesn't need to be fixed as much as it needs refinement. I think you have lots of powerful stuff going on here, but, like anything of strength, it needs to be controlled.
For example:
"Life is a joy love is a toy, I feel pain and joy"
I recommend you turn to metaphorical phrasing, rather than direct and blunt statements. Make people draw conclusions, rather than providing it for them. It is a subtle thing, but in poetry, it will get you far.
Don't get me wrong, this is a great poem! I would love to see you distill it a bit.
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