Cal and Brent (rewrite)

Yes, I know I said I wasn't going to post another rewrite, but I lied. I'm still obsessed with this piece and looking for more feedback, especially as regards expanding it.

(a few minor edits made)

sorry i am crying...umm wonderful piece..wish i could inspire more words to come...I guess in some ways it hits a little to close to home..

I had read this, Cav, as I read every post in this forum. As I said, I generally don't comment outside my lane, but you asked me to do so in this case...

The relationship interplay between your two characters obviously is the driving force between your powerful bit of writing here. In fact, the implied tracts of their lives up to this point is nothing short of poetic. I believe you asked me to comment on this because Cal and Brent walked opposite paths so long and far that they meet again in this scene after circumnavigating the globes of their lives. Opposition. There is a sinuous, almost electric, entanglement of empathy, sympathy, and pathos. Ironic to the point where white trash ebbs to outclass class and give it a bit of a life lesson in the metaphorical slaughter of a deer. The purpose is not obvious, but it is clear. And the pain. It is the pain that unites these two into a drunken sunset.

Awesome, Cav. I hope this does you justice! I also hope this is but a small part of a larger story :-)

I'm glad that kelly bumped this thread, because when I first saw it, I was in a hurry and forgot about it.

Cav, the story is quite touching. I really wouldn't change much about it. You might want to add a bit more conversation in the forest, since it seems like a lot of time passes while the brothers are together, and we the readers are probably missing out on a bit of conversation. But, if you only intended them to say small bits to each other, then this story definitely works to that end. I guess, since the characters are so distinct and the circumstances are so emotional, I almost want to learn more about them. Again, not entirely necessary, and I like it as a short piece, but it could be longer, if you wanted it to be.

A couple grammar/style things: In the second paragraph, you use the word "bond" in three successive sentence, which sounds a bit odd. Also, it would be good for the flow of the story to include dialogue from a specific character on the same line as that character's action, since it can be confusing otherwise. For example, could become There are at least a few places where this could help, I think.

But again, I thought that this was a great story, and I'm glad that I got the chance to take a break from writing a story of my own to read this, Cav.