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Dating sites! are they cheating?

 
 
Reply Mon 12 Dec, 2016 02:40 am
Hi there,

I've found this site and come on board as a way to try and 'council' myself and get opinions and insight?? It's not something I can talk to with friends and family as I don't want judgement.

It's a straight forward question and I would like to know from people who have done this the why and their reasoning.

Some insight....
My partner of 6 years has gone onto many dating sites nationally and internationally. We did in fact meet online.
He sent and received many sexy photos from over 20 women, had another email address and perpetuated email and text correspondence, He went on whats app and Skype to boot. All done from his mobile phone and the internet.
He says he has not slept with anyone so therefore it is not cheating. He says he loves me and he did it because I was not performing 2 particular sex acts I used to and was frustrated, we do however have sex every day..... so I'm confused!
Despite my attempts to address this matter over the past months as I knew his kinky desires would get the better of him, he was never honest about the true need for it. Or is it just an excuse given the regular sex he gets?
Basically, he got sloppy and I found out!

He has admitted that he probably would have slept with someone eventually, as his increase in texting and photo sharing was gaining momentum the longer he got away with it.

I was angry, hurt and now I feel so stupid.! I want to understand.
He uses the word love very easily and had also established two international relationships over a six month period. They now know the truth and had no idea of other each other or that he has a partner.

I am by no ways a prude, or an unattractive woman . I am not high maintenance and I do not judge people. I have lived life and know we make mistakes, In fact I consider myself very liberal and open minded.

If you have done this and can explain it I would appreciate it as I really would like some insight.

Do you consider this cheating? What is the motivation? Is it just the excitement of a sexy secret?

If you got this far, thank you for reading and I will appreciate all comments with an open mind.

Regards,
Perplexed,
Wild Honey



 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Mon 12 Dec, 2016 08:35 am
I didn't have to read anything beyond your title.

Dating sites are sites with a singular purpose, much like a site for, say, a particular computer company is about buying, selling, reselling, and repairing or pimping said computers with accessories. Just like the computers site isn't about raising chickens, the dating site isn't about anything other than dating. The people he is interacting with there are interested in relationships, whether serious or casual or deep into the hookup culture.

You need to decide if that is a dealbreaker for you. And it might not be, if you have an open relationship. However, if that is not how you want your relationship to be, then the two of you need to start talking, and pronto.

PS The excuse about having to bang someone else in order to get his kink on is just that: an excuse.
CoastalRat
 
  2  
Reply Mon 12 Dec, 2016 09:55 am
@Wild Honey,
Quote:
He says he loves me
I'm sorry, but if he loved you, he would not be frequenting any dating site looking for other women to "date."

Quote:
He has admitted that he probably would have slept with someone eventually
He basically told you where you stand. He will eventually give in and cheat on you if he continues. So the ball is in your court. Are you willing to stay with someone who claims to love you yet is actively seeking out other women on dating sites and has admitted that he would have eventually slept with one? If you can live with this, then stick with him. If not, then it is time to cut him loose, regardless of the length of time you've been together.

Wild Honey
 
  1  
Reply Mon 12 Dec, 2016 11:01 pm
@jespah,
Jespah,
Thank you for your reply and comments. Yep I know a dating site is exactly that and yes I am also aware of the different types of 'dating relationships' people can opt for. I am aware that a hookup is where he was headed.

As far as an 'open relationship' is concerned I have asked him if that is what he wants and if so tell me so and we can both be on the same page with our relationship. He has said it is not what he wants and that he knows he has stuffed up. It can not work only for him...

We are talking and you are right his 'reason' he gave is an excuse and I told him that too. A rather shallow on given how open I am to communicate and discuss things.
I mentioned that I thought it quite shallow to fill the gap rather than openly discuss it. He agreed and admits he has a problem.

What I am seeking is some clarity from someone who has done this themselves as to WHY..... what is the primal motivation.
I know no one is going to say, hey ,that was me so my comments are valid.
Thank you for your comments and I shall take them on board.
WH


0 Replies
 
nacredambition
 
  1  
Reply Mon 12 Dec, 2016 11:20 pm
@Wild Honey,
If you go there with me
Wild honey
You can do just what you please
Wild honey
Yeah, just blowing in the breeze
Wild honey





Wild Honey
 
  1  
Reply Mon 12 Dec, 2016 11:39 pm
@CoastalRat,
Hi there CoastalRat,

Thank you for your frank and to the point comments.

They are all things that I have said to myself as well and to him, of which he has no real comment apart from admitting he has a problem. I know the ball is in my court and the jury is out, as I want to understand why? Perhaps it is an unrealistic expectation and will clarity make a difference to my ultimate decision? Probably not.

What I take from your comments is that:

1. He does not love me
2. Admition means he will eventually do it again

I am not naive, yet I know humans make mistakes, we are not perfect and there is no perfect relationship, they require communication, openness and effort from both parties.

Like I have mentioned I am seeking the' why ' from someone who has been there and done that and can articulate the physic behind it.

Thank you for your comments they are appreciated.
WH

0 Replies
 
Wild Honey
 
  1  
Reply Mon 12 Dec, 2016 11:48 pm
@nacredambition,
nacredambition,

Yes one of my favorite songs and my name sake !
Cheers Smile
0 Replies
 
Peg44
 
  1  
Reply Mon 30 Jan, 2017 11:22 pm
@Wild Honey,
Yes, it's cheating. It's an emotional or internet affair and it's very hurtful to your partner. I've been there and was FLOORED when I found out. In fact, when I found out about it,I started digging through everything (before that I trusted him 100%). I even contacted some of the women as him and made sure they never met. He made excuses and got defensive and I walked away.

A month later he called me crying, saying he had a sexual addiction, was going to counseling, how sorry he was blah blah blah. I told him I was happy for him and I hoped he got the help he needed but I no longer trusted him. A couple weeks into it, he asked me to go with him and I declined... a few weeks later I finally agreed to go. After a few weeks of counseling together we slowly began to try to work things out. (oh and a second counselor bc the first one was totally useless.... she just listened, gave no advice or opinion). I told him I expected full disclosure, immediate termination of all of those sites, and open access to everything. He agreed. For 6-8 weeks random women still text him and he learned to include me (my name/ status) in every response. For example if someone text "Hey, what are you doing?" He responded, "Cooking dinner for my girlfriend" or something like that (even if he wasn't- usually just mentioning me and they stopped). I checked his phone regularly (he used that way more than computer), recovered deleted text, etc. He knows social media and dating sites got him in trouble and I think he knows himself well enough to know he gets in trouble on them so he stopped.... he doesn't even go on FB anymore. It took time and a lot of work but he realizes how much he hurt me (he didn't see it as cheating at first. I pressed on and the counselor agreed- if he hid it from me, lied about it, or didn't want me to know it was a form of cheating).
I told him if he wanted to watch porn, that was fine, but if he ever talked to another woman again in a sextual manner (online, text, phone, in person, etc.), it was over.

It doesn't sound like your bf truly regrets what he did yet and is not truly remorseful (sounds like he's still in the defensive stage where he tries to justify his actions). Why did he do it? Only he can answer that. I think mine did it bc he enjoyed the attention, liked the excitement, and it boosted his self esteem (that's all wonderful but wasn't OK to do since it hurt me so badly). I think some men truly get a kick out of the dating sites and it's almost an addiction- a strange form of entertainment and online they can be anyone they want to be (again, I think it's an ego thing).
Regardless, it's wrong. He lied, hid it from you, and violated your trust- which is all a form of cheating. It seems like he is being defensive instead of taking full blame (another common trait these men share). Sadly, it may take losing you for him to realize how badly he screwed up and for him to take responsibility. My opinion is put your foot down now bc I personally think if you don't it will happen again and next time it could lead to something physical.

Best of luck to you!
roger
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Jan, 2017 12:02 am
@Peg44,
Peg44 wrote:

Yes, it's cheating. It's an emotional or internet affair and it's very hurtful to your partner.


You might consider reading the first post again, Peg. I think you have reversed the positions.
WineNot
 
  1  
Reply Tue 31 Jan, 2017 12:26 am
@roger,
No- I think peg44 had it correct. He cheated w/ his online affairs.

My partner of 6 years has gone onto many dating sites nationally and internationally. We did in fact meet online.
He sent and received many sexy photos from over 20 women, had another email address and perpetuated email and text correspondence, He went on whats app and Skype to boot. All done from his mobile phone and the
0 Replies
 
WineNot
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Feb, 2017 07:32 pm
@Wild Honey,
My view is if he is on any sites that he hides from you, if he is talking to any woman and portrays himself as single/ available, if he is lying or hiding things from you it is all a form of cheating. Yes, some men get their kicks out of this and enjoy the rush but it's still a form of emotional cheating and many times this turns into meeting the women and cheating physically as well.

Unless he's willing to get professional help you need to leave (run- don't walk- away)
0 Replies
 
 

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