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Caught husband on dating sites

 
 
Reply Mon 17 Apr, 2017 04:04 pm
I can't shake this gut feeling. Back in November my husband signed up for a dating site. I knew this because I was using his phone because mine broke. Therefore I Got a notification of his registration of this site. I asked about it and he said he did not do that. The next day I talked more about it and he confessed that he did sign up but he had never done it before and doesn't know why he did it. I want to trust him and stop thinking about this all the time however I believe he still visits the sites. If he has actually met up with another woman,I am not sure of and cannot prove. We have been married for 24 years. He has shaved his privates recently and said that the reason was that the hair just gets in the way sometimes. We have not been sexually active in a long time, and I am aware of the old saying,if they don't get it at home, they will get it somewhere else. After finding out about this he has made sure a lot of things are unaccessible on his phone and iPad. I honestly do not know what to do. I brought it up again a couple months after I found out and he turned very red and blotchy and then turned the tables on me and said "how do I know you're not cheating." I promised to not bring it up again but I need peace of mind and I don't believe I'll ever get the truth. What would you do?
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read about my issue.
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Type: Discussion • Score: 3 • Views: 1,106 • Replies: 9
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jespah
 
  2  
Reply Mon 17 Apr, 2017 04:14 pm
@Candymarie3,
Certainly this behavior throws up red flags right and left. In particular, no one ever signs up for a dating site for any reason other than, well, dating. It's not like signing up for Facebook or Twitter or even Snapchat.

So - it's time to have a talk. And if you cannot have one other than as a screaming fight, then have a talk in a marriage counselor's office. Talk about not only what it all means, but also what everyone expects going forward. Open marriage? Counseling? Separation? Divorce? A supreme effort to hold your marriage together? Something else?

This does not look good, but listen to what he says. And if he tries to turn the tables again, your response is, "Right now, we are talking about you and not me. If you cannot answer my questions without accusing me, then we'll have this conversation in a counselor's office."

And then go. And if he won't go with you, go alone, and talk about either coping or exit strategies.
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Candymarie3
 
  0  
Reply Mon 17 Apr, 2017 04:24 pm
Sigh. I know I should trust my gut instinct. There are other reasons such as erasing history from a couple days out of the week on his iPad so on and so forth. He has even admitted to me about having a very high sex drive, when I confronted him about excessive porn sites found on his iPad. I want to bring it up but if I do he will throw in my face that if I don't trust him then why bother staying together. That's what he always says
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Mon 17 Apr, 2017 04:27 pm
@Candymarie3,
He's right that if you don't trust him, there's no point in continuing. However, what he's failing to add is, he's not showing himself to be terribly trustworthy.

Sigh. I'm sorry this is happening.
0 Replies
 
Krumple
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Apr, 2017 04:34 pm
@Candymarie3,
Candymarie3 wrote:

I can't shake this gut feeling. Back in November my husband signed up for a dating site. I knew this because I was using his phone because mine broke. Therefore I Got a notification of his registration of this site. I asked about it and he said he did not do that. The next day I talked more about it and he confessed that he did sign up but he had never done it before and doesn't know why he did it. I want to trust him and stop thinking about this all the time however I believe he still visits the sites. If he has actually met up with another woman,I am not sure of and cannot prove. We have been married for 24 years. He has shaved his privates recently and said that the reason was that the hair just gets in the way sometimes. We have not been sexually active in a long time, and I am aware of the old saying,if they don't get it at home, they will get it somewhere else. After finding out about this he has made sure a lot of things are unaccessible on his phone and iPad. I honestly do not know what to do. I brought it up again a couple months after I found out and he turned very red and blotchy and then turned the tables on me and said "how do I know you're not cheating." I promised to not bring it up again but I need peace of mind and I don't believe I'll ever get the truth. What would you do?
Thank you so very much for taking the time to read about my issue.


The one thing you did not mention here so I'll assume you didn't, is to ask him what's bothering him. What can you do? Unless you don't care about why he would be checking out dating sites or considering cheating.

Something is missing or lacking that he feels he needs. You should try to find out what that is. So you can decide if it's something you can do for him.
0 Replies
 
tibbleinparadise
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Apr, 2017 07:16 pm
@Candymarie3,
Have you tried having (more) sex?

I'm not defending his behavior, but if he has a high libido and isn't getting it in his own bed it is likely only a matter of time before he strays. Watching a lot of porn sort of delays it, but that is a short term fix.

Imagine having your favorite stress reliever, your thing to unwind, the thing that makes you feel really good...And not ever being able to do that. Logically, you'd try to sort it out so you could do your thing. Unfortunately, it's not so easy to do that with sex, it's a lot more complicated (within the scope of marriage).

Get some counciling on your own and some couples counciling and try to get things back on track. Or find yourself a lawyer and prepare for a divorce. The way it's headed, without a course correction, it's going to be really unpleasant.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Mon 17 Apr, 2017 08:06 pm
Why have you two not been sexually active?

May I ask your ages?
0 Replies
 
Lulubelle65
 
  0  
Reply Wed 19 Apr, 2017 01:14 am
Trust your instincts. We have them as a safety net, and if your gut is telling you something's off, then it's off.

Don't listen to what your husband SAYS, watch what he DOES....

You've been married a long time, and perhaps getting to the root of what's happened to your physical intimacy might throw some ideas around in a timely discussion.

I understand that the majority of men find it difficult to discuss 'feelings', particularly those of an older generation, but you might be approaching a marital crisis, and talk you must if you have any hope of diverting it.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 19 Apr, 2017 04:09 pm
@Candymarie3,
Candymarie3 wrote:
We have not been sexually active in a long time


regardless of whatever else is going on, figure out why this is the status - and determine what you are going to do about it
0 Replies
 
clare1087
 
  0  
Reply Tue 5 Sep, 2017 05:51 am
@Candymarie3,
Sorry to be unsympathetic, but he's out shopping because at home all the cupboards are locked.

If you're both celibate by mutual consent, then he's very wrong but if you've made that decision on behalf of you both, then he's only doing what you predict in your original question.

You have to ask yourself why you cannot express and show any intimate love to him and fulfil his needs? If you want to save your marriage you'll need to get counselling or visit the doctor if it's a physical problem.

Re-starting a sex life is just the beginning, you need to explore each other and find out what blows his brains with a bedroom fireworks display!!! There's plenty of info on the net. And then keep working at it.

If you really can't bring yourself to be intimate, I'm afraid it's only a matter of time before he does get a successful hook up. Maybe you two should chat more about where you go from here. It may be that to save it you have to think about opening up your marriage and letting him have a 'buddy'.

If it's any comfort we've got the reverse problem. It's H that can't / won't, leaving me cross legged lol.

Maybe we should try out that TV show, wife-swap lol!!

Seriously. Good luck and do what you can to recover your mrriage.
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