writing ( 22 )..

This makes me curious to find out what the context is. That is a good thing.

horror

If you have anything to say or comment , please be my guest.

Heh, well, horror is the style, but the piece is a fragment. The 'context' would be the framework that answers questions like, what is the significance of the tissue, the difference between moral and material danger, the 'mystical words', why they made your heart tremble, the importance of the date, the 16th of March, and why three days? That would be the 19th of March. Why is that significant? This is nice work, but it reads like a paragraph ripped from a novel without anything that a reader can actually understand.

The concept is great, but there are so many questions left unanswered. This should be expanded into a short story, at the very least. You are off to a good start, but the reader needs to know the answers to the questions you raise. I would suggest that you work on this one, go back and find a 'beginning', and keep it all in this thread. The writing needs a start, and a finish. Just keep at it. If it's all in one thread, it's easier for other readers to find.

It's a series from a translation I'm doing to improve my writing .It starts from the first thread .Maybe four times a week I do this writing.

Hope this is good.

As I said I want everybody's opinion here.Not like editting the whole thingy but to say something that keep me a live in writing

Thanks cav.

I know that you learn much better when you listen to others advice and guidance .Ofcourse,the one who you know that they know.

Re: writing ( 22 )..


Awkward sentence. Keep your sentence structure simple:

She grabbed a tissue.



Use parallell construction: pressed, turned, walked

She grabbed a tissue. She pressed it to her lower lip, turned her back, and walked away.



Sentence fragment (incomplete sentence).

I was shaking like a leaf.



The moral danger hurts more than the material danger, I thought.

Is "hurt" the proper word? I don't understand what you mean by "moral danger" versus "material danger."



Awkward sentence; it appears inconsistent and difficult to understand what you mean. Do you mean this:

Her prophesy left me trembling.



What did she mean when she said the twenteenth of March was the expected day?



Extremely awkward. Rewrite.

Thanks Debra , maybe this is due to the lacking contexts.Shouldn't we say grab for something that involve the whole hand like an apple maybe or something to eat.Picking for something that requires your index and thumb like tissue in this case.Am I right ?

"She picked up one of the tissues I had" is grammatically correct, but again, there is no context. If you meant to imply the specific action of using only the thumb and forefinger, you could say something like "She gingerly picked up one of the tissues I had." 'Gingerly' in English implies 'delicately, carefully, gracefully'. Debra gave some great structural advice, and raised some good questions. Maybe you should rework this one post, and then just post your rewrite in this thread for further comment.

Debra is my guide. I'm on it next time cav. :wink: