Reflections of My Journey Into the Mind

If I were to look on the ethereal haze of my mind, I fear that I should be assaulted by the thoughts of fear, anger, joy, and eccentricity that I can feel swirling inwardly, but all of these ponders keep me awake at night. At all times they pound against the inside of my skull, and if they are not allowed to escape the confounds of my head, then I shall surely explode. Therefore, I, Dr. Charles Namtrah, Veterinarian, shall enter my mind and investigate the situation.

I braved the border guards of my skull and entered the vast conclave of my brain. I saw a myriad of colors swirling about in what appeared to be long strands of stringy gel. I had entered the vast city of thought, and somewhere in this place I knew that I would find my answers and any memories seemingly forgotten. I still do not know why I came to this sudden realization for sure, but perhaps it was seeing the huge number of strands. It seemed possible that everything was just so cluttered that I could not recall certain memories at will. I saw no buildings, but I could not help but notice that the mass of strands floated as if suspended in an invisible gel. Everything moved so smoothly and slowly that I couldn't help but stare in awe of the wondrously cavernous void. I thought of what a contrast this made against the usual picture of the brain with its repulsive gray matter, and suddenly the whole environment claimed a slightly gray hue, and the mass of strands began to shudder and stir disjointedly. Fearing that I had agitated the mass, I began to walk away slowly when I noticed that an orange strand was flying out of my head into the humongous conglomeration. Before I knew it, a red strand flew at me and lodged itself into my leg, a red tail still dangling out. The mass of strings began to circle and swirl violently, forming a giant circular, shimmering portal. I felt myself unable to think of anything as the portal projected an image.

I was walking on my wooden deck seeing the yard I remember during my childhood, the one with the nice apple tree (though I hate apples) and the acre of nice grass. I could not see well over the railing, for I was only two feet tall. I saw a bird and excitedly tried to get my two-year old legs running so that I could go out and pet it. As I reached the edge of the deck, I heard my mother yelling out for me, surprising me and causing me to fall off the structure onto the ground. When I opened my eyes again, I was sitting in the hospital with a cast around my leg.

The portal disbanded, and I was left standing in wonder. I noticed that the string in my leg was wriggling excitedly. I stood watching the strand for a while and decided to try pulling on it; however, I found that I could not touch it at all. My hand passed completely through the little flagellum. It was a strange feeling having a thought lodged into my body, but the unique feeling quickly shot to waves of searing pain. It felt as if the bone had been shattered inside, gouging my muscles and blood vessels. I tried desperately to grasp the wretched thing, but my hands could not touch the ghostly strand. Small red strings were flying out of my head, and the rainbow stirred again. Three other strings, a red, a blue, and a black, began an assault upon my body. I used whatever power I could imagine to try and repel the strings, forcing the blue back first as I sent it bouncing off of my invisible force field. I was not quick enough to stop the black from lodging into my side. As I forced the newest red strand away, the portal was already back to convey another memory.

Rick and I were playing with water balloons in the back yard on a clear, sunny day. I had just gotten pelted by his masterful aim when I saw my mother standing in the doorway to the house. She was crying, and through her muffled sobs she told me that my father had died in a plane crash on his way to the business trip in California.

The memories of my dead father broke me from my stupor-like watching of the portal and drove me to the ground in tears. A long blue strand flowed from my head as I thought of my innocent father being brutally engulfed for nothing that he did wrong. I desperately tried to force the black strand out with my will, but the pain from my leg and the sadness vastly overpowered my ability to concentrate. I laid in my sorrow, quite content to remain in this state for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, my mind saw fit to let loose a rapid-fire assault of strands of more colors than I could imagine. They seemed desperate to attach to my physical self to inject their essence into me. Through tear-stained eyes, I noticed that many of the strands were not just one color. They were mingled with others to form hybrid memories, and they moved much more slowly than the mono-colored string, so I focused my attention on repelling the pure-colored memories. My sheer force of will managed to force many of them back just as the hybrid thoughts decided to shoot at me with lightning speed. I couldn't count how many of them were lodged in various places on my body, and a swirl of memories appeared with unearthly speed and clarity. My first love breaking up with me, hearing for the first time that sad piece of music which has haunted me all these years, failing my first college test, my first kiss, being held underwater by my older brother, seeing the sunrise at the ocean, the night I walked home alone in the dark and saw the shady drug dealer, the first major disaster I ever saw, standing up to a bully for the first time, the pain of sunburn for sitting at the beach too long, my mother doctoring up my black eye from the first time I ever stood up to a bully, and saluting the flag for the first time all seemed to meld into one compound memory, and I wondered at the marvel of the mind for being so powerful as to project such images with so much clarity. Just as the last of these memories finished, a rush of feeling exploded in my soul, and I felt my body life for a moment as I flew backwards as if a bomb had just exploded in front of me. I fell to the floor of my mind.

I realized as I came to that I would not be able to handle so much feeling at once. I thought that maybe I would not have the strength to expunge these thoughts, but I also felt that these thoughts had a considerable containment problem. So I sat, pondering and watching the green and blue hybrid thoughts pour out of my head like water. I decided that if I don't find a way to alleviate the dilemma in the void, my thoughts would surely riot and kill me outright.

I pondered so long and hard that I did not notice a mass of the strands coalescing into a much different form, and I suddenly beheld a dimly lit corridor that extended two ways to reveal a door on one side and a window on the other. I decided to take a step toward the door just in time to see it explode, revealing an armor-clad knight walking toward me. His armor shone with a green tint, and the massive executioner's axe glinted in the flickering lights. Naturally, I decided to turn around and head for the window. My heart raced as I ran for sanctuary, and I smashed into the window pane at a run and a jump. The shattered glass shards fell all around as I dropped toward the ground. Thankfully, a mattress was waiting in the grass to break my fall, and I heaved a sigh as I closed my eyes, wondering how this scene could have ever been concocted. I had never seen a place like this in the real world. As I opened my eyes and saw the glint of the great axe, I realized that my mind was desperately trying to destroy me and not just trying to get me to leave outright. Unfortunately for my assailant, I caught the handle of the axe before the blade could reach by neck, and I forced the monstrous man back. The brute seemed to recoil in fear of my newfound strength, unsure of its plan of attack. I stood up and stared at the knight as he gripped his axe and shivered restlessly. I smirked and blinked deliberately, thinking deeply, when I reopened my eyes the blade of the axe shattered just as I had imagined it. The knight stood confusedly looking at the bare stick in his hands before he hurled it at me in desperation. I closed my eyes and willed it not to be, and as I reopened my eyes, no stick was flying at me. I held an outstretched arm toward the knight and closed my eyes while pouring thoughts out of my being. I looked once more, and the knight, the mind's attempt to cut me out entirely, was no more. I stood and stared as the environment around me dissipated back into in formless mass. I gained the impression that it was trying to concoct another insane vision, but it obviously could find no more nightmarish visions to show me. I shouted in triumph at my mind, encouraging any further wrath it could muster.

A strand caught me by surprise as I celebrated and lodged itself into my throat. I did no see the color of the string, but I could certainly feel its presence. My heart sank as the shimmering portal reformed and would force me to remember again...

I saw a field with three puppies playing, and flowers shone brightly in a myriad of colors. We were out on a walk before I decided we should take a break I felt at peace in my passiveness as I sat under a tree eating an apple. I watched the puppies run to and fro, nipping at each other and playing, tails wagging excitedly. I finished my apple as I stood to join my new pets in play. They saw me coming and seemed overjoyed to be gaining my attention, and I was absolutely more than happy to give them all of my focus. I heard a loud crack and shut my eyes in surprise. When I reopened them I saw one of my puppies lying on the ground panting heavily, blood pouring out of her small side. I stood staring at the little animal as tears welled in my eyes. Another shot echoed from the woods, and my favorite puppy lost his tiny head. I took off running as quickly as my nine year-old legs could carry me. Yet another blast ripped through the field before I heard the shouts of old Mr. McCuttle.

"I ain't gonna keep tellin' you god-damned kids to stop trespassing on my property! Next time it'll be you!!!"

I ran on until I was deep in the forest. Sitting under a willow, I wept and wailed for my innocent dogs. The portal became the lifeless mass once again, and tears poured from me as the fear and despair I felt as a child assaulted me tenfold. I was lying on the ground beaten when I heard a voice. It felt like ages since someone had spoken to me.

"Does it hurt?" said the calm, mellow voice.

I looked up to see a man shrouded in a brown robe, his face covered by the hood. I sobbed, "Yes...very much."

"Why have you come here?"

I looked up and noticed that the mass of strings was flowing into this strange man, and his features became less vague as the thoughts grew fewer in number. I thought for a while as to why I ever wanted to come to such a horrible place until I finally remembered, "My mind felt so cluttered with thoughts that they were keeping me up at night. It is obviously very overcrowded here. I can't let insomnia consume."

"You speak nonsense. How can the mind possibly be overcrowded? You failed to see the true nature of this world if this is how you perceive it; however, we have prepared for your coming all along."

I grew angry, "How could I fail to perceive if everything was laid out in front of me?"

"All you saw was color and memories. You failed to see what you truly are, for you have been on a divergent course from the mind for so long that you cannot begin to comprehend the state of us."

"I happen to believe that my years of education have prepared me to understand anything you have to say."

"For this reason you can never hope to grasp anything I am able to tell you. It is too irrational for your physical state of thought. This is why I was summoned at great expense to our energy."
"And exactly what are you?"

"I am not a ?'what.' I am a ?'why.' I am no more than a last resort to give the intruder an ultimatum, for he does not seek truth but mere ?'what's.' All of the mind merged itself to form a reason and a purpose, a means of communicating in your devolved methods."

"Devolved methods?"

"Yes, speaking is a devolved method. Use of the basic senses is a devolved method. How you perceive thought is a devolved method."

"I do not understand. Is..."

"Such is exactly the problem, You do not understand even as you pretend to understand. You refuse to look deeper than your own understanding We, the mind, transcend what you see as thought."

"I still have many questions"

"I am here only to answer your questions "

I was overly weary from my trial, but I pressed forward, "What is this plan that you spoke of?"

"You came into this hallow space that was created at our birth. It is far too difficult to understand what you have seen. Your perception was that of a lifeless mass of color, but one cannot fully comprehend true complexity with mere color. This is why your process of thought was vastly inferior to the mind that harbors it. Throughout your life, vivid images have affected your judgment. As a physical being, you are unable to cope with a vast rush of emotion; our plan was to exploit this weakness as much as we could. You were more crippled as the images affected you more and more. The next step was to conjure a physical distraction in the form of the monstrous knight. We did not fail, for your arrogance in seeing the knight beaten was exactly the distraction we needed to deal a deathblow to your mental resistance. The final step was the only one left to chance...the reunion."

"Reunion of what?" I stuttered.

You and your mind were born with one purpose," said the robed man. "As life was lived by you in the outside world, many events shook you from your true destiny. The memories we used to weaken you were the memories that have had the most profound effect on your choices made with your own free will. We do not have the same freedom. The mind was created and configured to act on one destiny. Anything else you choose is folly. Therefore, your choices have misdirected you from all that the mind has to offer. You will never reach your transcendent potential unless you are reunited with us and allow your past to be forsaken. You are wondering why your thoughts keep you awake? It is the mind operating as normal. Nothing has changed in your mind since you were born save the addition of experience. Your memories and thoughts screamed at you when all felt quiet and you had no choice but to listen. The memories have done nothing but influence you negatively throughout your life. Each of them serves to try and misdirect you from realizing your purpose. They are nothing but packets of destructive emotion."

"But I don't get it. Why would the mind keep bad forces caged here if they only serve to influence me negatively?"
"While it is true that you have a destiny, you cannot merely assume it without growing as a person. Part of your destiny is the trial that had to be endured before you could ascend to your true calling and become one with us. We the collective mind knew that you would undergo this trial in some way, but not one hint of your experience could ever tell us for sure that you would pass the test. The reunion, your only chance at truth, succeeds based only on your free will. You may accept your destiny or deny it, keeping the life that you have carved for yourself with choices."

The Why stood silently as I thought deeply. Could this be the truth?

Why spoke, "You were not meant to save lives, Charles, no matter how dearly you wish that you were."

After much thought and time passed, I, Charles Namtrah, Veterinarian, savior of countless small animals and a few people, chose.


Young Anna Namtrah sat listening to her father play the piano. She was ten, and she dearly loved to hear the music. She had no idea that the very music he played was the music that brought him fame as a world-renowned composer. She was also learning how to play quite a few of her daddy's various masterful works for a child's hand. She greatly admired her father's hands. She would never realize what he did with his hands before she was born