9 of Trump's Lesser Known Yet Equally Ridiculous Campaign Promises
Horrible through and through.
By Kali Holloway / AlterNet
November 3, 2016
We’ve all heard Donald Trump bloviate on and on about the big, beautiful wall he absolutely, no-chance-in-hell will actually build. Everyone knows Trump has repeatedly claimed he’s going to deport 11 million immigrants, which he definitely will not be doing. We are now all aware that Trump says he’s going pull the U.S. out of NATO, ban Muslim immigration and do so much winning that America gets sick of winning, which is con-man-speak for “none of these things are actually going to happen.”
Yes, those are Donald Trump’s greatest hits, but what about the deep cuts? Do you know what Donald Trump says he’s going to do on the tech front? How about where he plans to vacation? Even Trump’s lesser-known promises are as filled to bursting with nuttiness as the ones you’ve already come to know.
Here’s a list of nine of Donald Trump’s lesser known yet equally crazy campaign promises.
1. Address Iran’s Supreme Leader as 'Hey, Baby.'
Donald Trump does not have time to call you by your name. That is because he is too busy kicking ass and taking names and then turning them into insults and calling you by those instead. Like when he called deaf actress Marlee Matlin “retarded,” reporter Jennifer Lin “that ****,” one of his own African-American supporters a “thug,” rapper Lil Jon “Uncle Tom,” or his then-pregnant wife Melania a “monster” and a “blimp.” (It works for tragedies, too, like when he called 9/11 his preferred name, 7-Eleven.) He has also promised that when he meets the Ayatollah Khamenei, Supreme Leader of Iran, he will never use his official title, but will instead call him “baby.”
“I guarantee you I will be never calling him the Supreme Leader,” Trump told a New Hampshire crowd. “He's not going to be called—I'll say, 'Hey baby, how ya doing?' I will never call him the Supreme Leader."
2. Never be in a bicycle race.
In the late 1980s, Donald Trump tried to establish an American rival to the Tour de France, which he called—you’ll never guess—the Tour de Trump. (In the video below, after talking about how “tremendous” it’s going to be, he demurs when asked about a future political career saying, “I like to tell the truth. I’m not sure that a great politician can always tell the truth.” Ugh, this guy.) Like so many Trump steaks, universities, vodkas, boardgames, airlines, magazines, bottled waters and travel sites, Tour de Trump ultimately flopped.
Perhaps still embittered by that failure, Trump took a little time out of his presidential bid announcement unhinged, racist rant about Mexicans and immigrants to stick it to Secretary of State John Kerry, who broke his leg in a cycling accident last year. Embedded in his criticism of the Iran deal, Trump also promised never to ride a bike in a race.
“We won't be using a man like Secretary Kerry that has absolutely no concept of negotiation, who's making a horrible and laughable deal, who's just being tapped along as they make weapons right now, and then goes into a bicycle race at 72 years old, and falls and breaks his leg.”
“I won't be doing that. And I promise I will never be in a bicycle race. That I can tell you.”
3. Get rid of gun-free zones in schools.
The Trump sons, Eric and Donald Jr., are well known for their love of taking rare, beautiful, endangered creatures and snuffing out their lives for sport. At a rally in Nevada, the elder Trump, who claims he never leaves home without his gun, talked about how much he and the boys love “the rifle stuff.”
“[Eric’s] getting better than me so I'm a little jealous. And Don...you were all over, right? He loves the rifle stuff. This is serious rifle. This is serious NRA, both of them, both of them. We love the Second Amendment folks, nobody loves it more than us, so just remember that.”
Trump’s love of guns—very deep, you’re not gonna believe how deep—has allowed him to recognize that the one problem with American schools is the glaring lack of “serious rifle.” To remedy that, the candidate has promised one of his very first missions in office will be to ensure students from pre-kindergarten to college are virtually surrounded by an arsenal of guns.
"I will get rid of gun-free zones on schools," Trump told Vermont supporters in January, according to the Washington Post. "My first day, it gets signed, okay? My first day. There's no more gun-free zones."
This sounds like a well thought out idea, totally rooted in common sense, with no obvious predictable likelihood of going tragically wrong.
4. Make everybody say 'Merry Christmas.'
One thing that used to make America great was its complete contempt and disregard for the religions of non-Christian heathens. As we all know, the left has declared war on all that was once sacred in this country, including the birthday of baby Jesus. Trump is a very pious man who is cool with bragging about sex crimes but offended by Starbucks taking the phrase "Merry Christmas" off its holiday cups. That’s why when he takes office, you’d better forget you ever heard the phrases “Happy Holidays” and “Seasons Greetings.”
“If I become president, we’re all gonna be saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again, that I can tell you,” Trump told his assembled flock of wackadoos in Illinois.
Later on the campaign trail, Trump again proved his religiousness by comparing his own book with the Bible. “We love the Bible. It’s the best,” Trump sayeth at a rally in Iowa. “We love The Art of the Deal, but the Bible is far, far superior, yes.”
Jesus wept.
No, seriously. Like, heaving, shoulder-shaking sobs.
