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Tue 28 Sep, 2004 04:21 pm
The more we fight, the more I know
how very much in love we are.
A falling star still burns, and yearns
to return to its proper place,
dangling like a tarnished jewel
from a golden chain.
Thrown together by providence,
we wait it out,
too sick to live together,
too soul-poor to move.
The man you brought home last night
was divine.
For whose benefit was that,
yours, or mine?
That letter I wrote,
in anguished, hateful confessions,
you took as truth.
I took it as purloined,
the flipside of a coin
dancing on its edge,
executing a pirouette,
wondering where to fall,
heads or tails?
Who Judges today,
Joshua or Ruth?
I don't normally point out spelling and grammer on the writing threads, because it is mostly in fun. But, I regard you, Cav, as being serious enough about writing that I will offer a few suggestions. Third line of third stanza : Whose, not who's. I regard the last line of the first stanza as overly weak. I think it's a good piece otherwise.
Thanks edgar. I missed the who's/whose thing. Dang...I'll rethink that last line in the first stanza as well. It is a piece in editing, and I appreciate direct criticism. I'm sick of being patted on the back, so to speak.
There comes a time when we should want to inprove badly enough to be told our faults. I would want the same from you.
I really enjoyed reading your poem Cav, good writing!
Excellent piece of word art, cav! One minor suggestion: there should be a comma in the first line:
"The more we fight, the more I know"
Fresh edit...feel free to reread.
" pirhouette" = pirouette.
Thinking......
from=on???????????????
Just me.....
dlowan wrote:from=on???????????????
Just me.....
I was thinking about that....I'm not sure exactly. On a reread, the sentence follows: dangling [like a tarnished jewel] from a golden chain, which I believe is grammatically correct. As for ballet....it seems a commonly misspelled word, but I'm going with Google which lists your spelling as the correct one. Off to change that.
There is a certain amount of personal choice in poetry not permissable in prose, one reason I hesitate to step in. But I do feel your edits have improved it quite a bit.
Thanks edgar. Grammar aside, I have been having trouble with this one thematically. I'm still not sure if the actual metaphor is clear. Well...I'll continue to work on it. I think it might need a little expansion.
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