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writing ( 14 )

 
 
Reply Sun 22 Aug, 2004 03:27 am
Underneath a scant shade of a mango tree,ninety people gathered to talk about the shortage of food facing their community.From a distance , there was a dramatic backdrop of the impressive granite bulk of the mount Mulanjie, rising out from the plains.The lunch time was coming.The sun heat was increasing .People used their umbrellas to shade themselves at time they expected to use them in conventional ways.

A week before Christmas,we were invited over to lunch with women of the village.They said,come to see what we eat,come to lunch.Ironically,there were many women around the world gathering for lunch and many people enjoying Christmas's turkey.The menu was "wild" beans in different stages.Ofcourse,it wasn't like good photos shots to the "HouseKeeping".The beans were poisonous and killing instantly!It need cooking all the day long with the precious water and firewoods.Then, peeled ,removing the sticky outing before it was served.At the same time,pots should be guarded or the kids would eat before making sure of sanitation.

These people grew rice and depended on the seasonal rain for their crops.This year, the rain was late, again.Their experince taught them that it would be a month late.So,it would be a bad year for them and so far there were no food aids.

People also ate unripe mangos a long with beans.They picked them, then women peeled and mashed them.

The men were far a way looking for jobs.They would come every two or three weeks .The pay would be just food and the lucky one who came back with maize as a good payment.Children were also in the other naighbouring villages,working as herds, caring for cattle and goats for the fortunate people there.Here,the well-off people had nothings.Cattle and gotas are either perished or killed for food.

The original story by Jane Beesley
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 550 • Replies: 5
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Reply Sun 22 Aug, 2004 03:29 am
I still can't understand how to manipulate these verbs. Sad
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stuh505
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Aug, 2004 01:42 pm
Quote:
Underneath a scant shade of a mango tree,ninety people gathered to talk about the shortage of food facing their community.


"the scant shade", not "a scant shade"

a indicates that the tree is casting multiple shadows and that you are referring to a specific one of those shadows...but we only have 1 sun, so it only casts 1 shadow, so use "the"

you imply that the shade is in a small area (scant) but that there are a lot of people there (90) which would take up a large area. which is it, a large area or a small area?

Quote:
From a distance , there was a dramatic backdrop of the impressive granite bulk of the mount Mulanjie, rising out from the plains.


This sentence is good enough grammatically, but it is a bit awkward.

This is a much more natural way to say it:

Mt. Mulanjie rose out of the plains in the distance, it's granite bulk setting an impressive backdrop for the scene.

Quote:
People used their umbrellas to shade themselves at time they expected to use them in conventional ways.


"at time" doesn't fit here, try:

People used their umbrellas to shade themselves, when they had expected to use them in conventional ways [or conventionally].

Quote:
A week before Christmas,we were invited over to lunch with women of the village. They said,come to see what we eat,come to lunch.


the second sentence is not good reading, and it's content can be implied by the first sentence by writing more descriptively:

A week before Christmas, we were invited to lunch by the village women.

A week before Christmas, the village women invited us to lunch.


Quote:
Ironically,there were many women around the world gathering for lunch and many people enjoying Christmas's turkey.The menu was "wild" beans in different stages.Ofcourse,it wasn't like good photos shots to the "HouseKeeping".The beans were poisonous and killing instantly!It need cooking all the day long with the precious water and firewoods.Then, peeled ,removing the sticky outing before it was served.At the same time,pots should be guarded or the kids would eat before making sure of sanitation.


oh boy, a lot of work needed here.

1 - there is no irony in this situation

there is too much work that needs to be done here for me to make specific comments...the main issue is that you need to work on keeping your tense consistent.

Quote:
a long with beans


along is one word

Quote:
far a way looking for jobs


away is one word

Quote:
The pay would be just food and the lucky one who came back with maize as a good payment


the lucky ones who came back with food would get maize as payment

which verbs?
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navigator
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Aug, 2004 05:28 pm
Sometimes, you I many things in you the brain to say.The good one who has the ability to make ( himself/herself ) clear.I feel like changing verbs tense when writing something about the past.I don't know maybe, it's a temptation.THANKS stuh
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stuh505
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Aug, 2004 07:34 pm
Quote:
Sometimes, you I many things in you the brain to say.The good one who has the ability to make ( himself/herself ) clear.


it noticed you using the word irony incorrectly above. well, this is more like irony my friend Smile
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navigator
 
  1  
Reply Sun 22 Aug, 2004 07:42 pm
I meant:sometimes,I have many things in the brain to say.I wonder how did I write that.I must was daydreaming .This is funny Very Happy
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