Wed 30 Mar, 2016 08:10 pm
OKAY, So I will ask here in hopes to find an answer from someone who knows anything or could give me any kind of positive and/or negative feedback, anything is helpful, about a child sexual abuse case I'm in the middle of, at least I think it's still ongoing? I hope it is...
So anyway, I'll make this as short and to the point as possible. I split up from my husband last June, we have a now 5 year old son together, it was a horribly toxic relationship and needless to say we're better off. I had been letting him see his son on his desires, and our son's desires, since around the time of the split up, up until the beginning of February because of my suspicion of sexual abuse. My son started acting very strange the last visit, very UN-like himself, and had all the indications that something drastically bad happened to him in that field of abuse. I started asking him questions, things were said, without me trying to plant things in his head as best I could. I really just started off with, did something bad happen at daddy's house last time you were there because you haven't been yourself since and I'm very worried. Anyway, I had enough info from my son that something happened, and had seen solid proof that there was reason to report it. I did. I had a caseworker assigned to me. She came out. Set up an interview for my son. The first time we were scheduled for questioning on my son's behalf went terrible. Nothing came from it. He's 5, and he cried on the floor and didn't want to talk to anyone. That too, was very unlike him. I was lucky enough to get another interview scheduled to attempt it once more. He had gotten a lot better since the last one, and had sat down and talked to everyone very nicely and didn't put up any fight to talk. The detective came back and said that he didn't say too much info about anything happening at his dad's, but said a lot of good times they had together, but that it could also be the way he is dealing with a potential event that DID actually happen, but is only reflecting on the good times(which yes, I think that's great for his little mind to not dwell on something as traumatizing as that) and not wanting to speak of the bad ones. He did inform me that his father still needs to be questioned though, and I was all for it. I wanted it all done. If nothing horrible happened to my son by his father, then GREAT. What mother would want that? Once word got out to his dad that I had called CYS and that there was now "crazy allegations" from me, made up lies in his head that I was trying to create some domestic war on his head and take his son away, because the detective called him and invited him in to the station for some questioning. NOTHING accusing him, nothing negative to him, just wanted to follow through with an investigation. Anyway, the detective left a friendly voicemail and did advise him if he wanted to reach out to a solicitor first he was more than able to do so. It's been about 3 weeks since I knew about that phonecall, I have reached out to the detective since because I found disturbing, potential evidence from his dad's youtube account that he was searching in the whole timeframe he hadn't been with his son... the searches were, in my opinion, smart searches that wouldn't necessarily cause a red-flag on the internet. But all in all, disturbing in the ongoing case of sexually abusing his son. Searches that would indicate a definite interest in children and sex together. I told the detective about it, and still, no one has been interviewed, nothing has been done since my son had made his report with them. And it's because his dad just never called the detective back, and never even went to find a solicitor yet(I forgot to mention his severe problem with laziness, procrastination, and infatuation with alcohol). So he hasn't reached out to the detective in three weeks now, my question is..
What happens then? What happens if he just refuses to get interviewed? Has done no work to find legal advice? Has shown no effort or care to anyone about the case? And looks as though he himself has just dismissed the case because 'he didn't do it.'
Okay, I said to him, if you didn't do anything, then why is it so hard for you to go and tell the detective that you didn't? Why is it so hard to clear this whole misunderstanding up?
Not only that, but SINCE my son's initial recorded interview, my son has reported new statements on his own free will without me even bringing it up anymore. Statements that make a hell of a lot more sense than the first time I heard him tell me things. Statements that not only include his father, but his dad's friends who were telling my son to do things he didn't want to. From what it sounds like, it was more than one suspect here, and I have reported those to detective as well. But if he and the others involved, because I did reach out to them as well in hopes of some kind of confession, are just going to brush it off like I'm a lunatic mama trying to start some drama without talking to the detective, or the caseworker, or anyone who's tried to contact them, what will happen? Since my son's statements in the recorded report were vague, I worry that it will just be dismissed at this point. At first, I wanted it to BE done and over with and just a misunderstanding, but now that I have discovered the unsettling youtube searches, and the story from my son has come out more and more and more making a lot more sense... I don't want anyone getting away with something sick. His father, I've known him since 10th grade, has ALWAYS gotten away with anything bad, never had to suffer consequences, and never has shown any motive to grow up and change his immature, lazy, "mommy will take care of it for me" kind of attitude, and I will not stand by and watch it happen to my son... he has already damaged so much of my life, and I refuse to let that man damage any of my 5 year old's.
It sounds to me that the detective doesn't believe there is any sexual abuse. It also sounds like the CYS investigator doesn't believe there is any abuse. I am just a random person on the internet... I have no way to know if there is sexual abuse or not. But from where I sit, it seems unlikely.
The investigation has taken place which has included visits and interviews with the boy himself, and the investigators have found no evidence that indicates to them that the boy is in any danger (or they would have taken drastic action).
It seems likely, to me, that no abuse has taken place. The symptoms you are describing are typical symptoms of a child going through a toxic divorce.
By fighting with each other, you and your ex put the child in an impossible situation.
If this is the case, then the best thing for your son is for you and his father to work together.
For your son's sake, stop the toxic fighting. You can be decent for his sake, right?
I would recommend that you start mediation with your ex. Maybe start co-parenting counseling so you can work together for the good of you son. By this toxic fighting, you are hurting your son.
I am surprised that you haven't brought in a professional child counselor who specializes in abuse into this.
Detectives are NOT psychologists. They are NOT family or divorce counselors. Why would you think they even know how to interview a child?
Get some help for your child ASAP.
Then - if there is more evidence - you have some solid reasons to think your child has been traumatized or sexually abused.
Geez Punkey. Think about how bad the advice you are giving is. You are telling this woman to hurt her child even more. You don't tell one parent to go to war with the other without the kid being traumatized.
Yes, they should get the kid counseling... but this counseling should be a cooperation between both parents, and the focus should be on how to protect the kid from the fighting these adults are doing.
A counselor whose is just there to help one parent attack the other isn't going to help the kid at all.
These two adults need to start acting like adults. That means that she needs to stop the accusations (which have already been investigated), stop stalking her ex to look for "evidence" and start accepting that there are two parents in this child's life and that the best thing for her son is if they work together.
There is nothing that angers me more than two parents using a child as a way to hurt each other. Of course the kid is traumatized.
Okay, I think everyone may have missed my question..
The process of an investigation from what I have learned thus far, is that the child gets interviewed, I get interviewed, and his father is to be interviewed. Both me and my son were questioned, and his father was being set up to be questioned too, only fair right? But if the detective set up an interview to be scheduled for him, and he just never showed up, and then never called back to set up another, what will happen? It just gets dismissed? I wasn't sure if they just showed up at his house to take him in for questioning or something. It wasn't like the detective just dismissed it after the interview with my son and decided nothing happened.
Might I add, that his father has history with sexual abuse on another?
The initial reason I left him was because he roofied my friend while she was over for a visit, and molested and took pictures of her while she was blacked out.
The detective knows about that as I have told it to him, and is aware that he has a history of sexual abuse and molestation. So it's not like finding out your local priest has been molesting someone. He has history of it. That incident went bypassed unfortunately, because my friend didn't want to cause any trouble or drama and moved on from it. If it were up to me, I would have pressed charges on him. He's the kind of guy that knows he can get away with things, I've known him for 11 years. He's always been that way, but it just gets worse with what he tries getting away with. So yeah, working it out for our son is not even in the cards anymore..
As for the other responses, I never once said anything about hoping the detective would act as a counselor for my son. In fact, we have a counseling session lined up for tomorrow. I definitely don't fight with his dad, I hardly even talk to him anymore, and really hadn't since the last time I picked our son up. Any contact of words that have been exchanged between us has been straight to the point in one or two messages about things. I don't waste my time fighting with him.
Your story doesn't make sense (and I would ask Punkey or anyone else to explain what they feel is credible about this).
Let me explain why I don't think your story makes any sense.
1. The case was investigated. No one who isn't in the middle of a nasty fight with your husband sees him as any danger to your son.
2. You admit to stalking your ex-husband, spying on his internet history to find "evidence" against him. This is not acceptable behavior. You say
"I found disturbing, potential evidence from his dad's youtube account that he was searching in the whole timeframe he hadn't been with his son... the searches were, in my opinion, smart searches that wouldn't necessarily cause a red-flag on the internet. But all in all, disturbing in the ongoing case of sexually abusing his son.
Youtube searches... really? This is a ridiculous accusation... you are clearly looking for the flimsiest of "evidence" to support the fact you hate your ex-husband. Just for giggles, I would love to know what these "smart searches" are. I can't imagine what youtube search would fit this category.
3. The claim that the father and his friends are abusing the boy, but the boy is still happy to go with his father makes no sense.
4. Your new claim that he "roofied" your friend clearly isn't credible, nor is it relevant (assuming that your friend is an adult woman).
Put yourself in your ex's position. What if he had accused you of sexually molesting your son. Would you really react any differently than he is acting?
You have two choices. It is clear that you hate this guy and that you want to to suffer, But it is also clear that this attack on your ex isn't working. You need to decide if the hate you have for your ex is greater than the care you have for your son.
Your behavior is hurting your son. You yourself are seeing the effects that a toxic divorce has on children stuck in the middle of it.If you care about you son, you will stop .
Holy hannah, everyone is missing the point.
The incident with my friend last year is relevant to all of this, it was something sick and twisted he did, and confessed to all of it months later to actually doing. A point to which, he has that somewhere inside him to do something like that to someone.
I can assure you that I'm not poisoning my son against him, because MY SON has been the one telling me since he saw him last that he isn't happy at his dad's, his dad does bad things, his dad isn't a good person anymore. I let HIM do the talking. Never once did I say he is happy to go off with his dad. He doesn't want to and he hasn't wanted to do.
And no, I would not react the same way if this accusation was put on me. I would act pretty damn prompt for that matter if a detective called me and asked to come in for questions. I would come in for questioning and try and figure out what the hell is being said! Not just brushing it off and letting it go without reaching out to him at all and figure the problem will just go away if I don't do anything at all.
His dad has hardly showed interest at all in acquiring any time with his son since his last visit. I never got any attempts on his part to reach out to get his son because he misses him.
Call it snooping, call it whatever you want on the YouTube searches. Guess I just wanted to be sure of what kind of stuff he was watching. It wasn't like measly little searches that I made myself believe we're bad. They WERE disturbing. But if you think that looking up on YouTube, 'little kids first kisses; Sit down and take your clothes off; tantric sex play; sex sex sex; kids playing in the bath;Elsa and Anna making out; Disney Princess make out scene" are all normal searches on YouTube, for two months straight, then good for you. Raised a bit concern on my part as a mother, and will continue to believe in the steps I am taking to keep his son away from him until maybe he can seek some professional help.
But I know damn well, that if I was confronted about sexually abusing my kid, I wouldnt just ignore it in hopes it'd go away. Nobody has read this for the question I was asking in the first place but have completely looked over the question I was trying to find an answer to and jumped down my throat like I'm a physco ex wife trying to stir up a ruckus. Like, what mother would WANT TO actually make sure the father of their son was sexually abusing him? Screw that nonsense. I'll be relieved as all hell if he finally decides to actually talk to the detective explaining his side of anything and either confesses something or says it never happened. Not once since this whole thing has he told ME, the mom, that he never did anything. He has neither confirmed or denied anything. All I'm looking for is the rest of this investigation from his part to say something, ANYTHING, that would give me the peace of mind and his son the peace of mind we've been needing. Take this whatever way you want, but Imy just doing what any mother should do. Making sure this is 100 false and not take any chances of something happening to my son.
In fact, we have a counseling session lined up for tomorrow.
focus on this ^^^
let the detective sort out what they need to do in response to your concerns. focus on your son and his immediate counselling needs.
don't worry about some of the off-topic responses you seem to be receiving. people have their own stuff to work through and some do it here.
How far will you take this?
Your ex is doing what any innocent person who is accused of a crime would do. You are accusing him of a pretty serious crime that could separate him from his child. If this happened to you, you wouldn't cooperate with the person accusing you either. Any lawyer would tell an innocent person to say nothing. I am sure he talked to the investigators.
Let's talk about reality.
Like it or not, this child has two parents. And as you point out the son has good times there and that the son wants to spend time with his dad.
The best thing for any child is for their mother and father to work together for their benefit. Yes, do what you need to be sure that your ex isn't abusing your child... but then you have learn to work together with this child's father in a way that isn't traumatic.
I agree with EhBeth to focus on the counseling.
The question is if the counselor says that there is no real evidence of abuse, will you be able to drop your hatred of your ex and focus on what is best for your son?
OF COURSE! I had been wanting to do that all along, but each time I started just moving on, something else would arise to raise suspicion. Like the second interview that was scheduled for example. I had called back the evening the first one took place and left a message saying my son says he is willing to try again, but I didn't hear anything in a week or two about anot her scheduled interview, and in that week that passed by that I hadn't heard anything I began the moving on process. Everyone was getting balanced again, the daily routine of our lives started falling into place again, then I got the call back for another interview and decided okay let's try it. And then ever since we had left the second interview, my son started getting depressed again and falling back into this cloud. He kept saying after it all that his dad really is bad and bad things happened, and I asked him why then did he not tell the people that? Why did you just talk about the fun you used to have with your dad? That's when he started telling me more about the friends being in on it and he didn't say anything because he was scared to. That's why I started looking through his YouTube. It wouldn't add up to me. Two days after the second interview is when his father got the voice-mail from the detective asking him to come in and speak for a bit. The only concern I heard on his dad's behalf after he was contacted by the detective was asking if I had called CYS. And I said yeah, and I've tried explaining to you for a month now that if something bad happened to our son then you need to tell me, but never got responses back. I never have heard anything from his dad, neither has the detective, and I'm worried he's just avoiding confrontation all together. Any time it's brought up, when it was at least, I get no responses back. That's why I came to this forum in the first place, because I didn't know what was to happen if the suspect in question just never contacted anyone back, never showed up, totally ignored it all together. But like the comment above, I'm anxious for my son's first counseling meeting tomorrow because he is really WANTING to go, he wants to talk to someone else he says, he wants the help, which to me is wonderful considering he's only 5 and for him to actually want to speak to someone who wants to help him is huge. So we'll see where everything goes.
Well, let us know what happens.
In the meantime, you aren't allowing him to go with this father, are you?
I'm surprised that CPS wasn't in on this either or has not acted.
They usually act fast when there is a reported abuser that has visitation rights with a child.
Of course your ex wants to avoid confrontation about this. This isn't surprising. You and he have a toxic relationship and he is probably as upset as you are.
Getting counseling for your son is a great thing. You might want to consider getting counseling for yourself. It would be ideal if you could do counseling (or mediation) that you and your ex can do so that you can work together as parents (even if you still hate each other).
Talking to your ex about your fears with a counselor/mediator, and explaining how he can answer your questions without feeling attacked himself might be a very good idea. Of course your ex needs to feel that he is being treated fairly for this to take place, a good counselor/mediator would be able to do this.
Well, let us know what happens.
In the meantime, you aren't allowing him to go with this father, are you?
Not only is this bad advice, and immoral, it is probably also illegal.
Keeping a child from going with his other parent is against the law and can result in anything from losing custody rights yourself to facing a kidnapping charge. You should definitely talk to a lawyer before you consider doing this.