Middle Woman in EX Turmoil

Monkee
First I'd like to welcome you to A2K :-)

I understand your position and I feel for you, but the fact is that your husband has children to provide for and his ex has every right to expect that. Your husband should be paying a set amount of child support weekly with no questions asked. If he should be out of work for a month as he is now, then his obligation is to advise his ex and pay a little extra every week when he starts working until the back support owed is paid up. It doesn't matter if his ex isn't working as that's none of his business, since he is not expected to provide for her. The children are living with her and her husband and it's not her husbands job to provide for your husbands kids.
There should be a set weekly support agreement with your husband and his ex and none of this paying large amounts every now and then. That wouldn't work for me and I'm quite sure it doesn't cut it with her either.
Your husband needs to get off his ass, do what it takes and provide for the children he brought into this world.
I don't mean to come off as being so harsh, but children are a huge expense and both parents need to make sure they are provided for.
You say that your husband wants to do the right thing, but it doesn't sound like he has. He NEEDS to do the right thing and want has nothing to do with it.

Usually the obligation to pay child support remains whether the payer is employed or not. The only way to get that changed 100% is to go back into court and get a judge to modify the support order.

Her employment status is irrelevant to his obligation at this point and I'd guess that anything over/above the required amount paid in the past would be considered a gift unless there was some sort of documentation that it was intended as a pre-payment.

Most courts seem to work very hard to seperate the issues of child support and visitation. If he's having problems getting to see the kids as was outlined in any court documents then he needs to get a lawyer and fight that battle seperately.

If the court has ordered him to pay a weekly or monthly figure for support and he has not paid that support, then he's behind.

The court figures that whether or not your husband is remarried....or out of work....or ill his daughters need the support money.

Whether or not the children's mother works is immaterial. Whether or not their stepfather couldsupport them is immaterial.

Depending on the state, your income could be part of the equation in figuring out the amount of child support.

If your husband's ex wants to be nasty about the back support, she can be and the courts will back her up once the arrearages reach a certain figure.

I'm not a lawyer, but it seems to me that your husband should immediately notify the court that he is aware he is behind in his support--through circumstances that were not his fault--that he'll resume making payments on such-and-such a date and that he will temporarily increase his support until his back debt is paid off.

I'm afraid there may be a lot of peanut butter sandwiches in your immediate future, but second marriages are frequently afflicted with stringent economies for the sake of the children of the first marriage.

Good luck.

... and, a bit of unsolicited additional advice. The next time he thinks about handing over any added cash, have him put it in a savings account. That way, he can use the accumulated cash if he ever gets into this situation again. Currently, the added cash is going to be considered gifts and it's highly unlikely it would be considered to be an advance. Your husband can make sure that this doesn't happen again by keeping this contingency fund. If his ex needs more money to care for their kids, she can go to court to try to get it just like everyone else. Your husband doesn't have to be a volunteer here, when it comes to additional monies.

I just noticed that you said the large amounts every now and then were extra money on top of the child support and I'm sorry I didn't catch that when I first read your posts. If I had, I would have responded differently. My appologies. As Fishin said, and extra money that was paid is not considered child support, so he has no ground there. If he has been paying child support all along on time, then I respect that and I think the ex is being petty if it's just a month that he'll be out of work, unless he refuses to pay the back support owed when he is back to work.

I agree
I guess I wanted to get it off my chest so quickly, I really didn't write as much as I could have. This is totally new to me and I did choose to marry knowing what may become of the situation. It seems as though everything goes in their favor. The girls are petrified of bringing home pictures of their father and me in fear of retaliation. That to me is not a safe atmosphere for them. I want to support them and be there for them, someone who they can trust. I want to love them and continue to give them all that because all I see is the battling with the stepfather and mom with my husband to ensure that the check is in the mail. He loves them more than anything and I know they see that when he is with them.
He has followed everything to the book until recently and it just seems totally unfair (as most things are) that he can't catch a break. We were criticized before the move on how his money was spent and why he isn't paying more even though he pays what the court tells him to. When he has them with him, he does everything he can. She took them out of the country for 2 years and it was agreed, on paper, that they would be back for the summer and christmas, and then they could go. My husband saw that as a cultural experience... but the agreement didn't happen. But... all that aside, who is it really hurting? The kids. They don't understand... they see it as a money battle? It should be what is in the best interest. Why can't child support be like food stamp cards, only money can be spent on certain things.... I know that seems out there, but if I honestly thought the money went 100% to the kids, I'd feel so much better. Can I prove that, no? But what it seems to always come down to, from what I've read, the cases I've searched through, is that the mother always wins. The father is denied the full custody or he has to go broke proving himself? If he doesn't fight for the rights of the children, in 10 years they might question if he was a good father or not... if he does fight, the children might be swayed to believe he's out to get the mother.
Whatever happened to the families that end in divorce were there is communication and fairness.... that is a dream world I know, but sometimes it just helps to ramble on and on. Regardless of what's right and what isn't, I do not want those children to grow up wondering if they were at fault and why they cannot see their father if the check doesn't come in.... that their father must not love them enough... because my husband can pay the childsupport in full and still it is "not enough". The large amounts of money, any good person would take his unemployment for a month into consideration.... in fact, at least he's out there trying! If my husband must be responsible in getting a job to pay for those children and support them, I feel it should go both ways.
Oh and to top this off, wouldn't you just love to know that they were enrolled in their school systems under their stepfather's last name. No adoption ever occurred. My husband would never give up those children. She did that illegally, and then it went to court. Now how does that mess up the kids lives? Either way, my husband will ensure he does everything by the book from now on.
I appreciate all the aid from everyone, it makes me see things from both sides... I guess every situation is different and there is always one bad apple... it's just too bad it's my husband that looks that way.... keep the bad apples to those who abuse their children or cheated on their wives or never want to be in the children's lives... not the one who is trying everything in his power to stay in them.

I agree that the ex should never put the kids in the middle. They don't need to be involved in any disputes between their parents, but I completely disagree about your thoughts on restricting child support to certain things. The children live with their mother, so she provides them with food, shelter, heat, electricity, phone, cloths, school supplies, medical expenses and so on, so obviously the child support goes towards those things. It's her husbands choice to provide for his wife and that's is no ones business but their own. Now since her husband is supporting his wife, then he's obviously playing a major part in paying the bills such as rent, utilities, etc...., which means he's also providing those things for her children as well. Again, that's their choice and it doesn't concern your husband. If his ex was working making big bucks, your husband wouldn't pay any less, so it's not an issue.
I suggest that your husband take his ex back into court to set up a visitation order to prevent his ex from trying to keep their kids away from him. Court orders are the only way to handle these disputes.

Yep, you need to go to court if you're feeling aggrieved. That's what it's there for.

Thanks
First of all, thanks to all those who are giving me advice and direction.
I would like to also say that restriciting child support is not intended, he will be paying what he has missed in back pay once his checks start coming in. I guess what this all boiled down to was she isn't being understanding in that and he has been by the book and completely accomodating with her situations... especailly since it is joint custody with the mother being the primary care giver. I guess it's just crappy that it has to come to court again.... when $$ is already tight, then there are court fees when that could just be going to the kids or whatnot. Also, we found through the court that it does matter how much she makes. The court believed that she was capable of earning so much income even though she does not work, so put her down for min wage earnings a year.... that means she contributes so much a week making my husbands fee not as much as it could be. That is very helpful... so if she made more money, his would be less and if he made more money, his would be more. It does depend upon the incomes where we are to some extent.
Again, thank you very much for all your time and thoughts! I am sure I am not the first to inquire.

I'm not sure what state you live in, but I'm very surprised that the courts would lower his payments for any reason. Either way, if her husband is willing to support her and her kids, that's their business and the last time I looked, raising 2 kids is a full time job and then some, so if you look at it that way, maybe the courts should make him pay her for her 24/7 job in cooking, cleaning after, and teaching his kids ;-)

Ok, now if they have joint custody and there are no stipulations in the court order, she has no legal grouds to prevent him from seeing his children. It does sound like she's being petty about the child support issue since he fully intends on paying the back support owed and it wouldn't look good for her in court if she is not allowing the kids to see their dad for that reason alone.

monkee--

Your husband's first marriage ended because he and the mother of his children couldn't get along. From your description of the present situation divorce did nothing to make the two of them compatible. Divorce is a legal action, not a personality makeover.

Also, very few divorces are because only one party is "guilty".

Unfortunately, those two little girls have two warring sides in their lives. This is sad.

Obviously your loyalities are with your husband. All the same, it isn't your job to hate his ex-wife. He's doing quite enough of that. Remember those two little girls who came along with the Love of Your Life as baggage? The more people--grownup, civilized adults-- those kids have on their "side" the better.

Grit your teeth and teach yourself to ignore your husband's ex-wife. If her financial demands are causing you financial problems, work on the financial problems. Don't waste your energy calling his ex nasty names--even in your thoughts. Nasty names won't hurt her--but they won't improve her, either and hostility between parental homes isn't good for the girls.

Look at it this way: Are you going to allow your husband's ex-wife to cause strain in your marriage?