writing assesment ( 4)

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Hi once again..this time I hope I want do any blunders.Can I say I won't screw up this time?,I guess not because it is slang.But ,I really found you very useful and good and for all these I thank you again and again..

( Note : the translated excerpt below is form a myth story by an Egyptian writer )

...The house number five apparently has been the most crowded house in the world and so far I am glad that this house isn't dwelled with three mummies that wait for death anymore ( the old woman,the major and me) , but all the matter became odd!.

This old woman is foolish if she wasn't surprised for all these. Foolish if her astonishment didn't exchange into fear.There is some sort of mystery about the house number five that made everyone excited to stay in .

What thing I have to do with all this anyway?!.After all they are all Australian and free to do what they like.

The last one came -Reem- ( the narrator of this story is speaking to a girl name is Reem about his expierence) was ( Jeson) and he came the next morning and had alittle chat with old lady ( the landlord).He had a big body like a door,look rough,and apparently that hassles and fights appeal to him.His face was like a block of hair that had a red tongue which protrude from a place between the beard and the thick eyebrows.I don't know where did I see a caricatural painting which represnted the warlus , because he was just exactly like it.

I have questions below:

1) Is it okay to use words like a hag , a crone and beldam instead of the term old woman?. You know ,I wanna be more sophisticated !

2) I feel like the word block doesn't fit with hair.What the proper collocation here , a lump ?!!

3) I can use more than one word describing the man : like a gruff or he like skirmish or hassle or fight.And did it make any difference if I said rough instead of tough.I feel inside that there is but I don't know.

4) The verb tense here bothers me .I think it sould be present and past because when I read the sentence again it doesn't seem that it is right with one tense and I have to change it.DO you have this feeling sometimes or I am nuts?!

Ofcourse you are free to say anything or correct anything and I will not make the same mistake ( God wills) next time...

NAVIGATOR

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1) Is it okay to use words like a hag , a crone and beldam instead of the term old woman?. You know ,I wanna be more sophisticated !

You sure can. Although there are usually many synonyms for words, different ones will imply slightly different connotations or meanings which can allow you to describe things better.

Quote:

2) I feel like the word block doesn't fit with hair.What the proper collocation here , a lump ?!!

A block usually refers to a cube or cube-like shape, for example a block of ice. It is often a subdivision of a larger thing. A lump is also a subdivision but it has a different shape...for example, a lump of clay. If you are talkin about hair, you would usually say lock.

But in your sentence, you should not use lock because you are not talking about a section of hair...you are talking about the fact that his hair takes over his head in a wild fashion. It would be better to refer to it as a "mass of hair" or "swarm of hair".

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3) I can use more than one word describing the man : like a gruff or he like skirmish or hassle or fight.And did it make any difference if I said rough instead of tough.I feel inside that there is but I don't know.

you can use as many adjectives as you like, although if you use too many it will sound awkward. skirmish is not a description for a man, though, a skirmish is a small battle. there is a difference between rough and tough. tough means that they are strong and can endure a lot of pain. rough can mean different things...but it usually means some or all of the following: doesn't shave regularly, dirty, vulgar, gutteral voice, dirty hair, dirty clothes. you would expect someone who is rough to be tough also.

Quote:

4) The verb tense here bothers me .I think it sould be present and past because when I read the sentence again it doesn't seem that it is right with one tense and I have to change it.DO you have this feeling sometimes or I am nuts?!

Hehe, I'm sorry but I must inform you that your exerpt does have a lot of tense errors...and other kinds of errors. I would correct it, but I cannot understand what you are trying to say in many places.

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thank you stuh ,but my main goal here is to correct my writing along with questions I have.I will be fine but I need some guiding and thanks again dear..

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writing assesment ( 4)

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