Thu 26 Nov, 2015 06:18 am
I am different. I am a different type of artist. One who does not find any value in suffering, despair, and death. This entire life and my composing is very personal to me. It is all here for my personal enjoyment (pleasure) and this is my one and only reason for living. This entire life and my composing is like a personal possession to me that I wish to have all to myself and live it however I want to.
It is no different than how if I had a personal movie or game to play. It is mine and I can just sit down and enjoy it all I want. The same thing applies to life itself for me. I also see life as being a place for my enjoyment. I should be able to live it however I want to and to live for all eternity in eternal bliss with no suffering and no death in my life. But such is not the case since this is not how life works.
It is for that very reason this life is now empty and meaningless to me since I can't derive any pleasure (enjoyment) from my composing nor from this life since I now struggle with depression and anhedonia. On top of this, I am a materialist who believes there is no afterlife. So far be it from this life being meant for me. It is for this very reason that there is nothing here for me in this life now.
My one and only reason for living and my one and only way of finding meaning and joy, happiness, love, and inspiration in my life is having no suffering, no depression, no absence of my good moods (anhedonia), and no death in my life and living for all eternity in a good mood. My good moods are the only profoundly spiritual experience for me in this life and you have to understand this. Please do not just ignorantly blow off this statement and still insist on telling me things such as that rationality is better and more profound or that I still have other things in this life to give me meaning.
Never once have I ever had any profound meaningful experience in my life through my thinking alone without my good moods. Sure, I can still acknowledge my family as being great to me while I am depressed and don't have my good moods. But that is not the same thing as having meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in my life. My thoughts alone without my good moods don't give me those things. Only my good moods inspire and transcend me and my life into something far greater.
My good moods are the one and only things that give me every reason to live on and compose for myself and others. Without them, then it doesn't matter how I think. My life is still empty and meaningless no matter what. It's as if the good moods themselves are an unspoken perception of good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in my life. It's as if they, alone in of themselves, allow me to perceive meaning in my life completely independent of my way of thinking.
I have every reason to believe that our good and bad moods themselves dictate the meaning in our lives and that our way of thinking does not. Others are only brainwashed into thinking that somehow living a life in which you are crippled by depression and moving on is somehow supposed to be a meaningful life full of joy and happiness. That to me is just plain nonsense.
It is for this very reason that I personally deem heroic tales passed down unto generations in which the hero puts himself through pain and misery for other things and people is really just living an empty meaningless life and just forcing yourself to live through all that suffering and nothing more. It is for this very reason I would choose to be the self-empowered villan. But not the type of villan who harms and demeans innocent people.
What I mean here is just someone who lives for himself and for his own personal pleasure because that is all he really has in this life. Even despite the fact that he has a loving family and other innocent people looking out for him and encouraging him to live on, it is actually only his own personal pleasure that gives him every reason to live on and is the very thing that encourages and inspires him.
Many people would say to me that living for life without your good moods to help others and other things is the greater person with the greater meaningful life. But that to me is the lesser person with the lesser life. This is because, in my eyes, you are nothing more than some lifeless drone just choosing to live for others and nothing more.
As long as you are depressed and don't have your good moods, then you are a lifeless drone in my eyes who lives a life of no meaning in which his/her greatness as a human being has been hopelessly sapped out of him/her. You would only be fooling yourself into thinking that this is a meaningful life. You are brainwashed into thinking so by this modern moral society in my eyes.