Open Letter to Regal Cinemas

Open letter to Regal Cinemas​: It has come to my attention that too many people have been coming in to your theater while outside food and/or drink in their stomachs. Those MONSTERS!

This is a clear violation of your cinema policy.

Also, I feel so much safer now that you guys are 'thoroughly' checking our bags for weapons because no one ever has hidden knives and guns in their respective coat pockets, tucked into their pants, etc.... Your trained ticket takers must have been too qualified to work for the TSA.

Also, I get your Grunge aesthetic deserves the premium ticket price. Paying for some of the highest ticket prices in NYC, I expect grimy and unkempt restrooms as well as broken and uncomfortable seating in your theaters. It's the dive bar thing to do to cater to your Sons of Anarchy/biker gang demographic. The most cherished of demographics.

But I digress, far too many criminals have been smuggling outside food and drink into your cinemas and YOU don't do anything about it. Let me suggest you institute a mandatory vomit policy forcing all customers to empty out their personal meaty smuggling containers that are their stomachs. It's the only way to make sure this crime is halted and the law of the land ... obeyed.

Anywho, keep up the good work.

Your loyal cinema-goer, TsarStepan