Asking for sugar at restaurant

Forums: Sugar, Brown Sugar, Restaurant, Sugar Sugar, Manners
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Hi,

My wife and I recently dined at one of her favorite restaurants and now she tells me that she was embarrassed because I asked the waitress for white sugar with my cappuccino.

I don't like brown sugar and while I don't mind it so much with a normal cup of coffee where I have less than 1/2 a spoon of sugar, I do like a fair bit of sugar with cappuccino and that much brown sugar would spoil it for me.

When the cappuccino arrive, I noticed that there was only brown sugar on the table, so I looked around for the waitress. My wife asked what was wrong and I asked her to let me know if she sees our waitress as I'd like to get white sugar. My wife said most people don't care about what sugar they have and I should either have the brown sugar or leave the cappuccino, but that seemed strange to me as I had already agreed to pay for the cappuccino by asking for it. My wife waved the waitress down and asked for white sugar and the waitress brought sweetener, which, I'm sorry, is even worse than the brown sugar Smile

I noticed that my wife was getting uncomfortable, so I left it at that and had the brown sugar. Not a big deal.

Tonight, 2 days later, my wife tells me that I don't understand social rules and that I should not have asked for white sugar in the first place.

I don't know, but it sounds a bit extreme to me. I wasn't being overly demanding or complaining about every little thing, I asked the waitress once for a different type of sugar. And then when she brought something other than what I'd asked for, I didn't make a big deal out of it.

Am I wrong for having asked for sugar in the first place?

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Type: Question • Score: 20 • Views: 5,075 • Replies: 57

@FatherOfMany,

Your wife is right. You did go there to impress the waitress, didn't you?

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You are not wrong for asking for the type of sugar you prefer. You can have whatever goddam sugar you like. You were in a restaurant where you were paying for whatever you ordered and for service. It can't be very classy if they have sweetener ready. Just because lots of people put brown sugar in cappuccino that doesn't make it a rule. Plenty of people prefer white. It's not weird or strange. However I'll tell you who is weird and strange. Your wife. If I were you I would be asking angrily "Just where do you get off telling me how to drink my damn coffee?". Maybe if you had noisily spat into your cup to cool it down, or slurped it, or poured it into the saucer, that would be something she could reasonably complain about. How long have you been married to this woman? If only a short time, maybe you should tell her firmly not to be so picky about stupid little things. I'd be thinking of divorce! If a long time, surely you should know what she is like by now?

Is she pissed about something else you did? Is she socially anxious because that often shows itself in being over picky about table manners etc? Perhaps these are the real issues?

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in a restaurant, where people routinely ask to have dishes reimagined just for them, i am not supposed to ask for white sugar for my coffee??!!

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Thanks for the replies people.

I was hoping to show this page to my wife so she can decide whether what I said is what actually happened and she can see other people's opinions. So I'd like to keep it as civil as possible, please.
Would like as many responses as possible though, whatever your opinion.

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@FatherOfMany,

Or you could not show her, know that you are right, and deal with her appropriately.

Note: In these crazy "MEN SUCK!" times I must add a disclaimer that I am not suggesting that you beat her, yell at her, or in anyway make her uncomfortable.

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Maybe I expressed myself using strong language, but I stand by my points, which are: you are entitled to sweeten your cappuccino with whatever you like, and that your wife is being unfair to you by saying that you "embarrassed" her. She embarrassed herself by having unrealistic notions about what is inappropriate behaviour in a restaurant. I personally would address my wife thus if such a thing happened. I actually showed this thread (and my previous answer) to my own wife and she said "He can put whatever he likes in his coffee. She should get over herself!". She said that if we were out together and even if I did something that broke the rules of etiquette she would stare right back at anyone who looked at us, and say "He may be a shlub*, but he's my shlub, so quit your staring!". I would be unhappy with anything less, bless her!

*I did not know she knew this American word prior to today. Me? A shlub? Maybe we need to have a little talk...

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My sister once said I embarrassed her in a restaurant by the way I ate spaghetti (I cut it up into short pieces). She said Italians never do this (neither of us is Italian and we were in Manchester, England). A lot of people do that in Spain where I live though. I just carried on. I'm with TYN on this one.

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@FatherOfMany,

Quote:

Tonight, 2 days later, my wife tells me that I don't understand social rules and that I should not have asked for white sugar in the first place.

That's ridiculous. Of course you can ask for white sugar if that's what you prefer.

I don't think there are any 'social rules' that say you can't ask.

For her to still be talking about this 2 days later is the bigger problem here. It seems a tad obsessive to me.

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@FatherOfMany,

I too do not favor brown or even the raw sugar, I can taste a hint of molasses and thats not a flavor I want to remember in a good cup of coffee(you can keep the cappucino as well).

I like a good cup of black coffee into which I will spoon 1.5 tsp of white bleached sugar (with all it baness). Thats what I order. I would nicely remind the waitstaffers that their tip is a direct proportionality function based upon my degree of satisfaction with all aspects of the meal

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I'm wondering in what country do you live? When I was on my last long visit to Italy, home of cappuccino, there were small bowls of white sugar on the bar counter. This was a decade ago, but I'd be willing to bet that if they have changed sugar modes there at all, they provide both sugars at the caffe bar.

Your wife's idea of what is proper to ask for seems odd to me, and her remonstrance to you seems quite controlling.

My only complaint re espresso or cappuccino in Italy, and that was on only one occasion out of many visits to restaurants or caffe bars, was that the barrista added a lot of white sugar to my espresso already. I tasted it and nearly spit it out (but didn't). Then I asked for a new cup of espresso with sugar on the side - so I could choose my own amount. That was the only time I've been in an espresso (etc.) bar where they sugared it for you.

In your situation, that restaurant seems off base. Not only do many people not want brown sugar in their coffee, or even white sugar, many want a sugar substitute available.

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My wife waved the waitress down and asked for white sugar . . ."

Why did SHE waive the waitress?

Perhaps you were whining and your wife thought she should get you what you want so you would shut up.

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It occurs to me this favorite restaurant may have as its style a kind of health food cuisine, by the chef's or cook's or owner's or owners' choice. Does that mean only brown sugar goes in their surgery baked goods? Iced tea? Brown sugar is a modicum better for you than white cane sugar, but it all can be a health negative if you are on your way to having diabetes.

I would probably not like your restaurant, but others would. I speak as someone who doesn't eat a lot of sugar, but if I do, I like to be able to choose and enjoy my choice.

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@FatherOfMany,

You should tell your wife that only assholes patronize restaurants which serve cappuccino with brown sugar, and that you're not dining in that place again.

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@gungasnake,

EEN Great land of Russhaah, Ve dunt serf CABBUCHINO. VE DREENK WOUDKA.

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@FatherOfMany,

You're a horrible rube who wouldn't know good coffee and proper sugar if it bit you in the patoot.

Just kidding. Ask for any sugar you damned well please.

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I wonder if the wife was objecting not so much to the choice of sugar in itself, but rather that the husband "made a fuss" and would not submit tamely to drinking his beverage in the form it was brought to him. In other words, that he was being a difficult customer. I know that many British people would rather die than complain in a restaurant even when things are badly wrong with the food or service.

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Here's a compromise to suggest to your wife for the next time she feels put out by your choice of sugar.

She can always get up from the table to go use the restroom while you acquire your desired sugar and put it in your coffee. When she returns, she and no one else will be the wiser as to her mortification over your request to have your choice of sugar provided to you.

I do have to wonder if it was actually the sugar request or your method of catching the attention of the waitress to make the request that had her so put out. I suspect we would hear a different side of the story if she were to add her perspective. At least I hope that is what the problem was and not the type of sweetener you wanted to use.

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@FatherOfMany,

what?

you wanted white sugar. your wife asked the waitress for white sugar and later told you it was wrong to want white sugar? didn't she already know about your preference?

in any case, there is generally nothing wrong with asking for what you'd like in a restaurant. doesn't mean they have it - but asking for it is (generally speaking*) not wrong

* don't go to a vegan restaurant and ask for a blue burger
don't go to a raw restaurant and ask for roasted cauliflower
don't go to a teavana and ask for coffee

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@contrex,

now - this I'd have trouble with

it's a personal ick

if I saw you do it once, I'd probably make sure that we never had a meal where spaghetti was an option

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Asking for sugar at restaurant

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