My transformation into mature man? Good parent?

Me and The Witcher saga, part one:

My image of romance:


Vernon Roche is character from The Witcher saga (not book but PC game), written by Andej Sapkovsky. Everybody who has at least neglectible grasp of AAA game industry knows perfectly what I am talking about. I chose nick Vernon because I find him great role model for his loyalty and efficiency. Furthermore I like his life attitude.

In the book main character Geralt of Rivia meets Jennifer of Vengenber...eg? At first I despised her for her moral characteristics and wondered why Geralt would be interested so much in her. Later she revealed herself as very loyal and compassionate person and her coldness and indifference was mere result of her hard life and as well ambitions.

To the point: I find romance between Geralt and Jennifer very touching and I would like to have... similar story for myself. Trust is very hard to find I and for myself I do not believe (anymore) into commitment as other people have - called marriage, fidelity, mutual life path. But I do believe in love and some sort of unexplainable trust. All I want from life now is what Geralt had - to meet an amazing woman that I will share my hearth with. We will not be together (for long time) we will not grow old together or display as a couple. All I want is just know such woman and know there is something between us... And I will be happy and satisfied.

Does it make sense? Maybe not for first sight but when you think about it... or if you read The Witcher saga

Hey, very cool video, huh?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4rYh3e97VU

I think my life is great. Well, sadly, not particularly successful but great. Mostly because it gives me possibilities to do what I really desire. The way is often hard, thorny, but at the end of the day I feel that my final destiny is in my hands. I cannot really control the outcome of my deeds and events in short terms, but in ling term a little change here and there and suddenly you have a completely different fate. But that is very obvious, isn't it?

Well one thing that is not so obvious (probably because people don't think of it... in rational sober matter) is dating issues. In my life I have seen many people and their paths. Some did major progress, some lesser... but I have never seen anybody who changed his fate in terms of dating. Ones who were lonely and without company are so until today. And those popular and attractive never missed a female (male) company. Now the question is: why is it so? and Answer: I have no idea and don't really care. Nobody knows. The fact remains we cannot control our fate in terms of relationship but what we DO have fully in our hand is our attitude.

And this is the reason why I post this video (beside being drunk). For whatever reason Geral of Rivia liked Yennefer, he was never able to to tight her to him. Even though she loved him too (according to the book because of magic, not his charm ). Yet they 2 were always together - in their minds. I really like this story.


I am 27. After so many years I realized I too have no control over my fate BUT I can extract from what I have disposable. In my life I too me several... very extraordinary women (sort of Yen from Witcher saga) that I liked and she showed sings of interests too. And those women remained in my mind much deeper that...others. And make me feel much better. So... this is the fate I desire. To meet "Yennefer of Vengerberg". Just once. And remember her for the rest of my life...

once and for all, I must define several essential terms for my future life:

Friend is a person with whom you share interests and/or personality. Second, he must be willing to pay you some interest too. If this is not met, he is not your friends. Andvantageous is if you spend time together - work or training but time itself is not a foundation to make a friendship.

Female friend is the same as above plus she does not attract you or she is in relationship (and tells you about that). In other case she becomes your crush and that is never good position.

Acquaintances are people who for various reasons don't meet friend's criteria.


This is very simple. Now the real question is how you make female friends? The catch is don't realize facts above. Therefore if you talk to woman who you are just interested because of her personality or background, very often she will misjudge your interest for romantic one. Therefore she will try to be a little distant to you in case she likes you or opposite - became friendly more that it's proper.

I have no real answer for this...

I do not (almost never) feel hurt when nice girl don't like me. That is perfectly natural and everybody experiences it. What scares me is my inability to change anything about my fate in term of dating. Yes, I have been single for a very long time... almost always and despite all my development, experience, everything I am getting all the same result all over again. And that is horrible. The very idea I have not life under my control. The only thing I can really do by myself is accept my fate whatever will it be.

On the other hand I do not regret flirting/talking/trying my chances with any girl. I always do what my heart tells me and I would lie to myself not to follow it. Just today I met one incredibly cute girl - immediately I had to forget upsetness from yesterday I start a talk. I do not believe the outcome would be different from all others, but I feel I did what I wanted to. At least this.


It is not in my nature being idle. I might not be confident. I might not be successful. But I always be brave. Always true to myself and always take action when situation wants it.

Update 06.13.

Life is tough. But at least exciting. Today I met founder of promising tech company manufacturing drones. Claims to be top of the (at lest Cen. EU) market. Hmm.... I have not seen many contracts so far (it was first meeting of course) but from what he told me, this sort of info is hard to fake. It would be cool to work with him. Too bad there are other brave guys with better portfolio then me - this upsets me. He ASKED tech dudes to work for him while I (business guy) must accept very tough conditions to work much harder for lesser pay. Just because there is not enough engineers on the market but sh@tload of business guys.

Seriously, f@ck the system!

Happy Hamster is not so happy now...


But positives:

-It seems people in my work need me and show me trust. That's very good to know!
-Roommate finally realized I am trying to befriend him and he's cooperating. Last few days was quite OK with him and I feel much better...

I am such a hypocrite. When I see women I first see their look. But it has nothing to do with personality. I so desire for the one with look AND personalty but myself I am blind to second attribute. One of the reasons I am always so disappointed....

Well, it's time to face the reality: my chances of finding some adequate partner are slim, bordering with impossibility. I have been looking for it since I was 19 y.o., which is 8 years already. At first I did have some (amazing) success out of random, but since one bad relationship all is lost. Thinking otherwise would be foolishness, nativity. Provided sources I have for partner's market, expecting pretty, smart, quality woman to have fulfilling relationship with would be as if some insignificant daimjo in feudal Japan expected to conquer empire with handful of soldiers but with "good strategy". Yeah, sure. every good tactician would tell me to withdraw and fight on another front. And so I will!

But I do not intend to give up on my family dreams! Never! I had great childhood. Both my granddads were excellent teachers and gave me a lot. And I am going to pass it on someone. Naturally, I am not able to get my own biological child (for some reason I don't even want to) but as I travelled world and saw what poverty is, I consider most honourable deed to adopt child from such world. Not only I get what I desire - a reason to live, to be here for someone, but I'll save someone's life. Virtually.

So, here it is. I must carry on with my life no matter what. I am sure the reward will be more then satisfying eventually.

god... this pain... I can't bear it....

Ah... I talked to that russian. Everything went well at first. We had some nice talk, I prepared her cocktail. I could clearly see she enjoyes it. Today I asked her out but I felt I have no more attraction - out of sudden - and she refused.

I did nothing wrong. It was just... I am not that handsome and my position in the company (society) is secondary. Asking pretty girl from MY position out is basically a suicide. Maybe if I had better charisma, but I have been alone for so many years. When you are alone for such long everybody can see that. I could see that about her BUT - I am male. I must be in demand in order to be interesting for women (this a is a deep primordial instinct we all have. It calls preselction). She is lonely too, but it does not matter. She is female, she is young and pretty.

SH@T! it hurts so much because I had some drinks and now I remember how... beautiful it was with my last... only girl. The feeling I lost opportunity to repeat these feeling again... My heart hurts so much. So really much. Physically... I must go train and beat it with exhaustion....

SH@T!!!

The pain is gone!! I feel it! The pain is gone! Thank you all might God of sport... think it could be Aeris. After all, I am Muai Thai fighter....


Speaking of which, I truly DO believe in ancient Greek gods. The whole idea is beautiful - each God is guardian of some or several virtues. Zeus - god of governance, leadership. Athena - god of scholars, intelligence and tacticians. Aeris - god of rew power. Strenght and ability to fight. Physically.These three are my three guardians. I think of them every day. BUT I miss one last. The god of "soul". These three gods represent only my values but there is no concept of good and evil. I need to find something or somebody who will tell me what is good or wrong.... So far I have no real idea who...

oh-my-god. The pain is gone. I can't even describe how beautiful feeling it is! Like if you have... tumour inside your body and suddenly is gone... I feel like... my heart is thanking me... praise be the gods....

This is reidiculous. Why on earth should I deal with women who are even less attractive then me? Like, youth and beauty is female's primary attribute when it comes to dating. Male's is second. "Employing" female who does not match my secondary qualities is like to employ customer service guy to team of programmers. While every programmer has better customer abilities then hired guy. As business consultant I can tell - this would be ridiculous. Such person might increase team's speed but never efficiency or quality. For company that prides on good work (most of them) this would be very bad step.

So, never EVER date woman who does not smell good (pheromones). No exception. It would mean deterioration of my dignity and loss of self-respect. Females who are interesting but does not smell good are called friends.

This is my promise.

I should have been working but first, I feel for update actually...

First a about current mood.... As I work in restaurant and I see all the couples, sometimes it makes me feel bad. But... this is the life. Definition of life is that is unfair. It never ever intended to be fair so expecting anything else would be simply ridiculous.

There is one more girl. She is Russian as well but this one MIGHT be different from other assholes here. So far she seems to be friendly and one dashing fact - when I did smt. for her she said Thank You! Well, it might seem natural but here nobody does that. Except her (and few more guys,,,less then 5). I asked her to stay for dinner but said she is tired. I might like her. Well, she is sexy, that is for sure. But I am not sure if she will see something in me. These people around here will do anything do ruin possible relationship with her (just as did with previous Russian) once they find out I fancy her. But still, this is life.

To the point: I made awesome progress recently

1) our flat life is very good. My roommates collaborate and try to find common language. Simply, we are having good time and this is the most important progress recently.

2) I am appreciated in work (by managers of course, not colleagues). Simply, I do my work great, better then others and managers value that. This is very important for me!

3) I will never ever visit restaurant or any hospitality establishment again unless I have to. The reason is very simple: every smallest server will tell that restaurant (par instance) is simulation of hospitality services when you visit somebody (like friend) I am perfectly sure I would not visit people from this sector therefore I see no logic being hosted by them! In other words, I keep deep contempt for them. What I have seen here recently... unbelievable. These people are junk. Not all of them, but way too many!

4) But woe on me! I should long be working in another job but I was too lazy to search properly. I will put my max effort to job hunt so I can leave this place ASAP!!!

5) Screw that "nice" Russian. She is a wench. And she clearly proved it. I have probably bad estimation abilities... Hey, what did I expect? Seeking pear (I mean civilized intelligent person) in a dump. Yea, right....

to be continues....

(gosh I am so lazy to write articles or do anything here... I am seriously considering of seeing a doctor...)

About Greece and Debt

As Polandball says "Gib mony plz". Greece is "asking" EU citizen for donation - "if every EU citizen donates 3 Euro, Greece's debt problem will be solved". I don't think so. 1) Greece did not got into this mess by some "bad luck". Powerful authorities plundered country and now not only Greece citizens but other EU people should make up their damage? Now this is what I call irony. Steal 100 Euro. You will get arrested and be force to make amends. Steal billions. Now only you get over with it but others will be forced to pay for your damage. Greece received huge subsidizes from Germany and filched it away. Now they ask for more money to do it again... Ridiculous. 2) If every EU citizen gives 3 Euro to children in third world countries, one third of them would no longer be endangered by starvation, illnesses, lack of education. I think it's clear where priorities are...

Second point, even though I do feel with Greek people, it's never supreme authority who models the country. It's always it's citizen. Simple people who work every day and create values. Even though situation is difficult, it's only them who car really make a change. Personally, I would never ask anybody for a money so I can live better. I am EU citizen. All tools I need I have, right here, right now. Just as Greeks have. Now it's only up to them...

Wish them good luck. And stop being assholes to (like recently when they asked Germany for make amends for Nazi crimes...).

I crave for a intelligent talk. Today I had another chat in job about how to do it the best we can. Naturally, she completely ignored my suggestions and felt offended for "pushing her around".

This hospitality sector is... hell on earth. I am not saying that people there are assholes (well, some and not so few are...) but one thing is for certain - few people working there are somehow remarkable. Sure, they work long hours. But who doesn't? They speak several languages... ( OK, I give it to them. I have only broken English and lousy French). And what else? Prone to intellectual enhancement? No. Career ambitions? No. Emphatic? Hell no! Bigots? Some... What else... Just... just common rubble. Just as most of low-level society...

I talked with one 17 y.o. girl there. Well, I liked her at first. She is very cute. But frankly... average looking. And I found nothing remarkable about her too. Today after work I just causally approached her and asked her how is she doing. Basically, she stopped me in the middle of sentence and said good bye (because I tried to flirt with her before). I am not offended, but now, I see very little reasons to pay her attention to her any more. She has except her youth and inherited cuteness nothing to offer, yet she treats offers for at least friendship like this. Damn her.


I wanted to make post about breakthrough in my inner attitude about women, but I will do it later. For now all I can say is that maybe I am single in 27, but still better to be single and proud, OK guy then sorry crying little baby and latent looser. Just... keep your chin up.


aw, screw it, I'll write it right now: I no longer feel frustrated. Guess why? Because of sex of course... I paid for the services. And it was mostly beneficial. All these looser's toughs I had was purely because of this! I was not thinking like such looser in any other aspect of my life, so why here? Because my thoughts were outside of my control. It simply did not belong to me any more, but rather to my tormented body. Frustration is serious stage of deprivation, just like food or sleep. Starvation will have serious both physical and psychological consequences on person and therefore it's dangerous. Just like frustration. Moreover, everybody can feel frustrated men (mostly because of insecurity and tension they spread around) and so no women like them. Fail dwells another fail... So, for the future: At least once a month I will go and see commercial service providers in order to keep my health bot mental and physical at bay. This is crucial and I don't know why I didn't do this before.


Lastly, I crave for smart people. All this hospitality sector... dump unremarkable rednecks... I applied for few interesting positions and I am getting very positive response. Hopefully I will settle in one development company as business developer where I will bring up to light my own project and startups... with resources of others. and FINALLY: POEPLE OF MY GID DARNED MENTALITY!!!! Fok! I need them! So badly!! I am so much tired of stings every time I show little common-sense, not to speak of academic knowledge. With that I would be directly kicked out of window...

Dorks....

17 y.o.... What a wenches. Still, was I better in their age? NO! What I am complaining about?? Get real, Vernon!