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:::Autistic Futuristic::: {Short Story}

 
 
Homon
 
Reply Thu 27 May, 2004 04:54 pm
Disclaimer: the following story has written depictions of horror, gore and philosophical posturing. Please be sure you are okay with this kind of thing before you read on. Thanks Razz


...

Date: 23:34pm, November 12th.
Location: Sector 16. An abandoned old house.


They sat; compacted into a small circle, facing one another, looking into each other's faces - eyes too frightened to hide.

Worry, anxiety, fear: a feeling of inevitability pervaded them all. Resignation for an event that would ultimately happen, for that there was no doubt.

Above them, a small light floated in the darkness; a beam of faint light opening up the floor, dancing shadows flickering across their fearful faces.

Gary looked across at his brother. Damian looked back at him, a twitch, a sudden spasm in the corner of his mouth - but the smile wouldn't emerge. The lines around his mouth were frozen; swamped in the putrid stasis of all that he had seen in his lifetime. He was already dead, he knew it, he was tired of waiting for it, waiting for time to reach him. Gary wanted to reach across the divide and grip his arm, tightly, looking into his eyes and telling him to not give up, to fight.

But hope is just a feeling, and the only feeling he had ever known, was pain. Hope; faith in dreams cannot stand in a world where dreams lie beneath the ruins of mankind's very destruction.

"How many do you have"

It was Marco. He stared unnaturally, sunken white skin, submerged underneath the light. His eyes forced themselves into Gary, their cold protuberance of misery pleading him to respond, not because he wanted, or needed an answer, but because he wanted a connection within the timeless vaccum of suspense that permeated the group.

The air; atmosphereless - it tasted of blood. Gary looked down at his gun, and flicked a switch.

"7 rounds" He said.

Marco nodded, he blinked quickly, diverting his line of sight to the far wall. Gary wondered what he saw there. He realised, he was probably better off not knowing. He realised he too was staring, at the light, it's dull glow boring into his skull..but it was preferable to the darkness. Nightmares resided beyond the black canvas of the dark, pushing themselves through it, incessantly; the unrelenting hunger for human destruction neverending.

"I think we need to leave soon"

It was Sarah. The group switched their attention to her. She sat a little way away from the rest of the group, her back against the wall, her hands rested in her lap, an expression of feverent anguish scrawled over her drawn face. Eyes locked open - misty pools of green confusion, the questions had long since stopped mattering. Confusion over why. Why everything was the way it was, and why it was not..something else. Why? Something in her eyes was still waiting for an answer. Maybe it was delusion, maybe it was false hope yet, still, it was the reason why she still persisted in bothering.

"They...they will come..we have to keep moving" she added.

Marco laughed, suddenly, unexpectedly. It was a psychotic laugh, but such laughs were commonplace in these times and in this world. Marco slapped his thigh.

"They come..oh yes, of course they do. That's what they do. So fricking what?"

He carried on laughing.

"But we must.."

Marco stopped laughing, an abruptness that Gary found unsettling. Marco rubbed his eyes; tears...cascading down his cheeks. He leaned towards Sarah. He didn't speak, he just leaned his face into hers and peered deeply into her eyes. Silence.

A few moments passed, and then Marco looked away, shaking his head with unnatural sway. His mouth shuddered. His hands vibrated as he pushed them into the floor. He opened his mouth to speak, the sound that exited out through his mouth was one of pure emotion, but the words did not have time to form.

A crash. An unbelievable, horrific scream, a shrill that spoke of pain which should not have reason to exist yet did. Gary looked across through the darkness; large metal arms, rotating and drilling silently had opened up Sarahs stomach, spewing liquid and dripping lumps of flesh flew through the air. The opening enlarged until there was no longer any abdomen left, just a segmented skeleton with sarahs gaping head loosely attached, bobbing. It fell off.

It had happened in mere seconds. The arm crashed through the wall, grinding what was left of sarah into pieces, peices which splattered the walls and ceilings..the group couldn't move. Sarah was all over them.

"You mother fricking shibag!"

The machine was now inside, Marco was firing his gun, shrieking insanely, standing in front of the machine without fear. Again and again he fired, the bullets cutting through mechanical sinew and electrical circuitry. He jumped backwards as an arm extended and made a grab for his head, rolling sideways on the floor as another arm appeared out of nowhere and barely missed his kneecaps.

"Humans; your termination is imminent. Comply."

It rolled forwards, a flurry of arms grabbing and reaching for marco's head, the intent to squash and destroy it's only one. Damian was crouching in the corner, unloading his px-50 into the machine, round after round hitting the machines visaul display screen.

An explosion. The group had done this before, they knew how to take down the machines. The machine no longer had the ability to see, the drilling stopped, the arms stopped moving...

"Humans, your termination is inevitable. Comply with termination"

Gary hadn't moved. He still sat, motionless, at the far side of the room, gazing at what was left of his wife. He didn't understand it, one minute she was alive, the next she was just pieces - he was paralyzed with mystified confusion. Damian picked him up; he was limp, he couldn't move - his brother carried him outside. They walked a short distance away from the house, the red sky looming above them, marco stopped, turned around and pressed a button on a pad he was holding.

The house evaporated into a ball of flame, A slight shockwave knocked marco off his feet, he fell onto his back. Within seconds, the house had disappeared..reduced to ruin. The landscape was now fully barren, brown and deserted.

"Let's go back"

It was Marco; smiling, dual berettas in both his hands. His eyes were pointing to the horizon, glazed yet focused. He didn't look psychotic..he looked human, and...alive.

"Why?" Damian held his hands up, his face questioning.

Marco continued smiling. "Because, i want to fight for my survival. To fight, is to have hope"

"Do you want to die?"

Marco sat down on the ground, he glanced into the red, burnt sky, and there his vision stayed and lingered..

"If there is no hope, then death has no value until there is. If you do not value your world, then to live is a hopeless task."

Gary looked up. "You realise of course, that it's suicide"

"Yes"

Gary smiled, he unpacked his shotgun and stood up. He took a deep breath, glancing at his brother who was crouching on the floor, frowning as he fiddled with his shoelaces.

"Let's go".

They walked back to the city.

THE END

Or maybe,

To be continued...
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 801 • Replies: 4
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stuh505
 
  1  
Reply Fri 28 May, 2004 12:32 am
i hope you don't take this too harshly...i've tried to make my criticisms constructive

1 - there are a lot of grammatical errors which I think you need to address. also, it seems as though you really like big words...big words are fine when used well, but in many cases they sound awkward or you have used them to mean something entirely different than the word's actual meaning.

2 - this does not seem like a good place to begin a short story to me. it is an intense moment, but much of the feeling of the moment is lost because the reader is forced to think about some small amount of character development and understanding the setting. these things must have already been established for the reader to connect and for the scene to have any emotional effect.

3 - the most critical moment, when the robot attacked, was much less detailed than the rest. the characters seem very flat and undeveloped here.

4 - do not try to hard to make the scene "perfect." real life isn't perfect, and just because it's fantasy writing doesn't mean you should try to remove this. what I mean is...you are overdoing your descriptions, and doing it in a predictable way.

5 - this is just a little personal annoyance as a researcher of terminal ballistics, but handgun bullets cannot gain enough velocity given their barrel length to tear through metal, perhaps some magic new explosive other than gunpower is being used but without this being established beforehand it seems like a slip up.
0 Replies
 
Homon
 
  1  
Reply Fri 28 May, 2004 11:51 am
Don't worry, i don't take criticism to heart. I wrote this story before an online chat, in a few hours - it's a rush job, but i quite like it, and i thought it would be interesting to post it here and see the response.

1]I think grammatical errors aside [which i agree with ...but, look above], the use of description is a very flexible medium; it is not always about using a words exact meaning but setting a tone and atmosphere by using particular words, in certain places.

Your subjective opinion of awkwardness is noted, but when i visaulise a scene i make sure i try to bring that scene across not always throuth gross detail and description, but through the use of certain words so the essence of what is happening is picked up.

2]You're right, in some regard. I originally wanted to incorporate flashbacks and memories in the beginning to increase the level of character familiarity. I wanted to reveal some of the connections between Gary, Marco, Sarah and Damian, but i i didn't want to disclose the actual situation going on outside.

In that way, i think it was a good place to begin. A claustrophobic setting, with characters fearing something, but what that something is, is not revealed until the 'arm-through-abdomen-scene'. And that's how the tension is heightened - there's not much in this world that is scarier than the unknown.

3] I agree, to some extent, but maybe i didn't want the battle scenes to be detailed ...maybe i wanted to have the moments inbetween the fighting to seem like an eternity, to excentruate the long, drawn out process of waiting..and then the battles themselves to be much more rapid and fluid.

In other words, i wanted them to be 'cool' Cool

4] Can you explain this a little better, please?

5] Yup, the bullets are made out of titanium, or something. Note: It's fantasy.

Anyways, thanks for your comments. I'll address these over the coming months Very Happy
0 Replies
 
stuh505
 
  1  
Reply Fri 28 May, 2004 03:54 pm
Quote:
1]I think grammatical errors aside [which i agree with ...but, look above], the use of description is a very flexible medium; it is not always about using a words exact meaning but setting a tone and atmosphere by using particular words, in certain places.

Your subjective opinion of awkwardness is noted, but when i visaulise a scene i make sure i try to bring that scene across not always throuth gross detail and description, but through the use of certain words so the essence of what is happening is picked up.


Okay...but sometimes you are using the wrong words!

For example:

posturing - you should have used postulating, posturing has an entirely different meaning... (not in the actual story but first one I noticed)

eyes too frightened to hide - it wasn't their eyes they were too frightened to hide, it was their emotion. I assume this because fear could affect the ability to hide emotion but not one's eyes.

Resignation for an event that would ultimately happen, for that there was no doubt - that refers back to event, replacing it should work but doing so reads "resignation for an event that would ultimately happen, for event there was no doubt" highlighting the error

Above them, a small light floated in the darkness; a beam of faint light opening up the floor, dancing shadows flickering across their fearful faces. - you repeat the word "light" (technically okay but not pleasant to read) and you use the comma incorrectly. also you switch tenses, "opening" is present tense and "floated" is past tense...if "dancing" were to be used as a verb the comma would make more sense, but the rest of the sentence indicates that it is an adjective.


Gary looked across at his brother. Damian looked back at him, a twitch, a sudden spasm in the corner of his mouth - but the smile wouldn't emerge. - again, "him" refers to Damian...so what you are saying is that Damian looked back at Damian..makes no sense. Again, you use a comma incorrectly; these are two distinct sentences (although it could be reworded to work with a comma, or semicolon).

The lines around his mouth were frozen; swamped in the putrid stasis of all that he had seen in his lifetime. - putrid stasis does not seem to give the right impression. also, if life had always been this way, civilization would have found a way to live with the robots and they would be accepted as a fact of life. in the days of the cave man i doubt they were so shocked to see a mammoth kill a hunter...even though it was a danger. so, i think you should make it more clear that they didn't always live in fear of being impaled by robot arms 24/7.

i don't have the energy to go through the whole thing...i don't want to be your editor, and I'm not perfect myself...I'm just saying that as a reader I notice a lot of problems that I think you should work on.

Quote:
4] Can you explain this a little better, please?


Sure, I explained very badly before....but it's also really difficult to explain for me.

Imagine a story about a vampire. The author could chose to portray the vampire as perfect...being smart, always knowing a clever rebuke, always in a picturesque pose whenever he drinks blood from a victim...the reader might like this at first, but soon realizes that it is too picturesque, too perfect, too flat. Characters have dimension. Even if the vampire was really smart and knowledgeable, it wouldn't ALWAYS know the right thing to say. It needs to have imperfections. Our memories, and often our dreams, remove these imperfections. Many people want to write and give the reader a "pure" feeling, where everything aligns in this way...but that is not necessary, because our memories and interpretation of the story will purify it for us. But if it doesn't have that natural imperfect quality to it, our minds reject it as pure fiction and we can't truly associate with the story. In my example I was talking about a character, but it applies more generally as well (to stories, scenes, etc). I think you should work on that, instead of trying to make the robots these stereotypical one-dimensional "i am a robot and i just run around killing things for no reason"..."i am a kid and i am shocked to see my friends die" x4....do you get the idea? I hope it helps. It took me a long time to figure this out.
0 Replies
 
realjohnboy
 
  1  
Reply Fri 28 May, 2004 04:27 pm
Homan...for what it's worth from someone not into sci-fic I thought it was pretty cool. The responses you've had above are obviously more relevant because they come from people who are probably your peers. A couple of quick points:
-Don't worry about spelling or grammar errors at this point. If we paid Craven a dime, a farthing or a shekel for every one, he would be a rich man;
-Please write in block letters for the benefit of us older folk;
-And above all please keep writing. The Original Writing category is sparsely settled here and we always enjoy new voices. Welcome, Homon and stuh505. -realjohnboy
0 Replies
 
 

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