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How can I improve this starter paragraph of my story?

 
 
Reply Mon 1 Sep, 2014 11:52 pm
Thunder rang through the dark sky as rain pelted against the ground like a thousand angry hornets. This would be enough to keep people inside until the storm passed however sitting in the partial shelter of a bus stop was a small girl who looked to be no more than nine years old.
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Type: Question • Score: 1 • Views: 1,380 • Replies: 5
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neologist
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Sep, 2014 12:17 am
@spacesword16,
Start with the girl. Consider giving her a name straight off.

Perhaps allow the flashes of lightning to show her face, her age, her fear at the sounds, etc.

Beyond that. Whose point of view? Whose voice? That of the child or that of an observer, etc.

Have fun.

spacesword16
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Sep, 2014 12:37 am
@neologist,
Thanks for the reply. I was planning on writing it from third person pov.
0 Replies
 
Lustig Andrei
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Sep, 2014 02:39 am
@spacesword16,
Quote:
Thunder rang through the dark sky as rain pelted against the ground like a thousand angry hornets.


I don't think that's a particularly good metaphor. I have trouble visualizing "a thousand angry hornets" striking the ground. Surely you could compare it to something else.

The second sentence needs better punctuation. Either break it up into two sentences, or insert a semi-colon ( ; ) before "however."

I disagree that there's any need to give the girl a name at this point. Develop the details gradually. I also think you're better off writing the story prom the p.o.v. of an omniscient observer rather than the girl. It's tricky choosing the right vocabulary when you're pretending to be a nine-year-old.
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survivalinstyle
 
  1  
Reply Sun 21 Sep, 2014 03:48 pm
@spacesword16,
I like the other replies, and I'd also add: vary your sentences in length. Using both long and short sentences will keep a reader's focus. Also, don't be afraid of punctuation to break things up. Not just commas, but semi-colons and colons. Cheers.
0 Replies
 
carloslebaron
 
  1  
Reply Sun 21 Sep, 2014 04:59 pm
<<Thunder rang through the dark sky as rain pelted against the ground like a thousand angry hornets. This would be enough to keep people inside until the storm passed however sitting in the partial shelter of a bus stop was a small girl who looked to be no more than nine years old. >>

I might go adding more descriptive words to thunder (ranging) in order to make it agree with the metaphor given to rain, and I would play with more freedom with the adjectives in order to loose the rigid visual observation of the event, like to say,

"In that evening the echo of the thunder scratched the cloudy blanket of ebony, and rain started to pelt the ground like myriads of angry hornets. The violent fa├žade of nature was enough to keep people seeking refuge, until the aggressive drops transformed themselves into inoffensive dispersed droplets. Facing the fury of nature was a nine years old girl sitting in the solitary and partial shelter of a bus stop..."

I over filled the sentences, but you might have an idea that you can expand your description of things with more freedom.

You better give an age to the girl, or compare her age to even numbers like ten or twelve years old.

I think that you must encourage yourself in "painting the story with words" instead of writing it.

My best wishes with your story.

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