Eye contact?

Forums: Eye Contact, Relationships, Social
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I don't get why people have trouble with eye contact, I was wondering if thats weird at all. I notice most people have trouble with it but with me it's the exact opposite. I don't stare at random strangers by any means, but while I talk to people I always look at there eyes. I was raised to look at someone while they talk to you but I've noticed most people look at/around/ your face like for instance your nose or just your general direction, not directly at peoples eyes like I do. For instance we our class was getting in trouble for "not behaving" while having a sub. (We didn't do anything) most people looked down and would not meet his (our VERY STRICT teacher) eyes , yet I just stared at him with a glare and my arms crossed.(No I'm not overly confident or get in trouble a lot and not scared of authority , I have never getting in trouble at school for ANYTHING) Also some of my friends say that when they first metme I was a bit scary till they got to know me( I am scrawny and only 5'2 tall) Most people have trouble keeping eye contact with me because "intimidating" apparently (or so my friends say). (I am in no means really pretty or ugly to make people nervous due to my looks) Also sometimes when just glacing around the room or across the table i will catch some peoples eyes and we will kind of have a stare off, I always win but it is kind weird. So I was just wondering what you think.

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Type: Question • Score: 9 • Views: 3,294 • Replies: 26

@ilovehungergames,

Eye contact is not the same as a staring contest.

1 Reply

@roger,

Yes, I realize this and I do it unconsciously.

2 Replies

@ilovehungergames,

So you unconsciously try to intimidate other people with your eyes, and you wonder why they don't want a part of it? You wonder why others don't do the same?...but you don't quite want to ask it that way...

There are by the way, many reasons why people do, and don't use eye contact.

Unlike many, I don't buy that eye contact shows a persons will (so there can be no 'contest of wills' in a stare off). Rather, it shows their character.

0 Replies

Don't worry about the eyes - what about your mouth? Is it scowling or smiling when you "stare down" these people?

0 Replies

Unbroken eye contact while speaking to someone is not natural looking, or natural feeling to the other person.

Leaving out that in some cultures direct eye contact is not polite or wanted, in Western culture, where eye contact is important, it doesn't mean looking constantly right into someone elses eyes.

If you are looking just at their eyes, you're missing a lot of other signals and ques from there general demeanor. Also, not looking away can be seen not only as over aggressive, but can make someone question the motives/honesty/trustworthyness of the person....like they're trying too hard.

When I'm speaking to someone, I look at their eyes, then other parts of their face, as well as their body in general, especially the hands if they are being used. When someone asks me a question, I often find myself looking up and to the left, because I'm one of those people who "see" the answer, or what I'm trying to describe there.

Making unbroken eye contact is unpleasant. You need to blink, glance away, nod your head or indicate otherswise you are listening.

It's not all about the eyes alone.

0 Replies

I find, generally, that folks who avoid eye contact during a conversation are either insecure or dishonest. Hard to tell which is which.

However, constant eye contact in situations other than direct conversation is just rude.

2 Replies

@ilovehungergames,

ilovehungergames wrote:

I don't get why people have trouble with eye contact, I was wondering if thats weird at all. I notice most people have trouble with it but with me it's the exact opposite. I don't stare at random strangers by any means, but while I talk to people I always look at there eyes. I was raised to look at someone while they talk to you but I've noticed most people look at/around/ your face like for instance your nose or just your general direction, not directly at peoples eyes like I do. For instance we our class was getting in trouble for "not behaving" while having a sub. (We didn't do anything) most people looked down and would not meet his (our VERY STRICT teacher) eyes , yet I just stared at him with a glare and my arms crossed.(No I'm not overly confident or get in trouble a lot and not scared of authority , I have never getting in trouble at school for ANYTHING) Also some of my friends say that when they first metme I was a bit scary till they got to know me( I am scrawny and only 5'2 tall) Most people have trouble keeping eye contact with me because "intimidating" apparently (or so my friends say). (I am in no means really pretty or ugly to make people nervous due to my looks) Also sometimes when just glacing around the room or across the table i will catch some peoples eyes and we will kind of have a stare off, I always win but it is kind weird. So I was just wondering what you think.

Eye contact is fine...and most of us make eye contact when speaking with others.

But this post of yours sounds an awful lot like:

Some people do not act the way I do....so what is wrong with them?

Do you see the problem with that?

0 Replies

@Intrepid,

Intrepid wrote:

I find, generally, that folks who avoid eye contact during a conversation are either insecure or dishonest. Hard to tell which is which.

However, constant eye contact in situations other than direct conversation is just rude.

Yeah, but how much eye contact to you deem appropriate?

After I posted the above, I did a little goggling and saw the following...

When listening to someone, 70% eye contact is the sweet spot.
When talking, lower that to 50%.

Personally, I think the 50% is a bit low, but the 70% while listening seems spot on for letting the talker know you are engaged with what they are saying, but are using intervals of looking elsewhere to absorb, think about what they are saying.

Distance is key also. I hate talking to someone who is right on top of me. I can't get the full picture.

Being a distance apart enable me to look at all their body language.

Getting back to this poster, the fact that he "glared and crossed his arms" at the substitute teacher just speaks volumes.

1 Reply

@chai2,

Hi Chai2

I certainly agree that distance is a factor. I, too, don't appreciate someone "getting in my face". At least a good arm length is minimum.

I don't mean constant eye contact, but the majority of the time would be good. The 70% that you cite I would consider adequate on the minimum side. I thing the 50% is low and should match the top number.

I also like to get the big picture so that body language comes into play.

Your last sentence seems to be spot on.

0 Replies

@ilovehungergames,

ilovehungergames wrote:

Yes, I realize this and I do it unconsciously.

I call bullshit on this.

A person doesn't stare so long at someone that they look away and not know they are doing it. The fact he says "I always win" shows he's aware.

1 Reply

@Intrepid,

Intrepid wrote:

I find, generally, that folks who avoid eye contact
during a conversation are either insecure or dishonest.
Hard to tell which is which.

However, constant eye contact in situations
other than direct conversation is just rude.

Yes, but don t hit him in the eye anymore, Richard.

1 Reply

@OmSigDAVID,

It is also rude to use other than user name on the site.

1 Reply

@Intrepid,

Intrepid wrote:

It is also rude to use other than user name on the site.

When did that happen...or did you just invent it?

2 Replies

@Frank Apisa,

Intrepid wrote:

It is also rude to use other than user name on the site.

Frank Apisa wrote:

When did that happen...or did you just invent it?

No, he invented that several years ago.

0 Replies

@chai2,

Quote:

I call bullshit on this.

A person doesn't stare so long at someone that they look away and not know they are doing it. The fact he says "I always win" shows he's aware.

It may be that he used 'subconscious' as in 'habit'. Your Habits are subconscious, but they don't stop you from being aware of others, or of realising what's just happened as the outcome of the habit becomes obvious.

It could simply be that he was told quite a number of things (and followed the most influential mentors he'll ever have - his parents) about eye contact that were...somewhat skewed from the norm.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

Look at what I quoted above that. You conveniently didn't include that in your quote of me, which seems to be a conscious decision.

He said "unconsiously", not "subconsciously"

1 Reply

@chai2,

err...unconciously and subconscious while you are awake, are the same thing.

Put another way, an unconscious habit is the same as a subconscious habit.

I take it you have an issue with my reply?

1 Reply

@Frank Apisa,

Frank Apisa wrote:

Intrepid wrote:

It is also rude to use other than user name on the site.

When did that happen...or did you just invent it?

Hi Frank. Long time no spar Smile

You choose to use your given name. Many do not. That is the privilege of having anonymous user names. David. Yes I am being rude. Learned my name a couple years back and delights in throwing it in once in a while. I am not an inventor.

2 Replies

@Intrepid,

Nice 2 c u again, person with secret name.

0 Replies

Eye contact?

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