State's boy

This incident was related to me by a foster child Who lived with me some 15 years ago. It is printed here with his permission, but the names and places have been changed for obvious reasons.

Monday was the worst. Andy's life was never easy, but with out a doubt, he never had another day like Monday. First, he became ill after the tuna-fish sandwich. He tried to throw it away the night before, but his foster mother made him "Save it until he was hungry." Mrs. Barrows would not give him anything else, until he finished the sour stale sandwich. She said she did not buy food so that ungrateful "State Kids" could throw it away. It tasted really bad, but, this morning, after eighteen hours without food, he ate it. On the bus to school, he almost puked.

Now He was in class, at Burncoat Elementary School. His teacher, Mrs. Kelly, was teaching times tables. Andy's stomach ached badly. Suddenly, he also needed to use the bathroom. At first, he tried to wait for lunch. Mrs. Kelly did not like boys leaving class for any reason. He wiggled in his seat, and then pushed his legs together. No matter what he did, the ache below his belt got worse. Finally he raised his hand, but Mrs. Kelly ignored him. He knew he needed to go immediately, so he shook his hand in the air and called out; "Please Mrs. Kelly, I have to go." To Andy's horror, Mrs. Kelly continued to ignore him. This made his condition even more demanding. He asked again, louder. "PLEASE MRS. KELLY I HAVE TO GO BAD!" Andy bent forward trying to restrain himself. Mrs. Kelly did not even look up from her desk as she replied calmly; "Relax Andy, You're a big boy now, and it will be lunch time soon. You may go then."

Andy could not wait twenty minutes, till lunchtime. He began to sit down, but a sharp spasm in his stomach changed his mind. The pain was fierce. Andy did not' look like a "big boy" to anyone, when he attempted his final request; "Please Mrs. Kelly...." His voice broke and he started to cry. "...I'm going to do it in my pants!" All the other children stared at Andy while he fought for control. He was scared, disgraced, and aware of what would happen if he moved, even a little. He tried to stop breathing, but the pressure increased anyway. His stomach throbbed and he started to loose feeling in his legs. He had to breath, but when he did, his stomach contracted. Waiting was no longer possible. The next cramp hit, and Andy began to wet his pants. The warm liquid flowed down his legs and into his sneakers. Just when he thought the worst was over, another cramp in his stomach bent him forward, causing his bowels moved violently, and noisily. The relief was immediate, so was the shame. He watched the dark stain move down the front of his jeans and felt the lumpy mass fill his underpants. At last, he was done. His pants made a squishing sound as he sat down. He heard a girl giggle, the heat of embarrassment moved up his face. Everyone knew what he did, and in fourth grade. Andy wished he were dead. He folded his arms on his desk, and put his head down to hide. He did not want everyone to see his agony. He knew they already saw the puddle on the floor under his desk, and smelled the foul odor. He remained in this position, without moving, until the lunch bell rang, and other children left the classroom. Then he ran from school, the place of his disgrace, to his foster home where he hoped to find sanctuary.

Cold and uncomfortable, Andy tried to slip into his foster house without being seen. He opened the back door very softly. He was in luck; no one was in the kitchen. He went through the dinning room to the front hall. He was halfway up the stairs when Mrs. Barrows caught him. "Andy" she said, "What are you doing home in the middle of the day, and what is that smell?" He continued to walk up the stairs. Mrs. Barrows shouted, "Stop!" Then she said, "Turn around...." Andy was in trouble again. "...And get back down here LITTLE boy." She emphasized the "little." Andy dreaded what was coming. He walked down the stairs slowly. There would be no solace here. He looked at his saturated sneakers so he would not have to face his foster mother. "How old are you?" She asked. Andy mumbled; "Nine and a half." "Too old to poop in your pants?" Andy started to explain. "I was sick and Mrs. Kelly wouldn't let me go." Mrs. Barrows replied; "It's always someone else's fault with you, isn't it?" She pushed him toward the stairs, and told him to go to his room. She followed him to the small back room he shared with Billy, another foster child. Mrs. Barrows pulled a hard back chair into the middle of the room and told Andy to sit, Andy still felt sick. The smell did not help. On the verge of tears, he asked if he could change, but Mrs. Barrows said "No". "You messed in 'em so you can just sit in 'em." She turned off the light and left the room. For Andy, being alone was an improvement. Finally he could release his grief without more embarrassment. He tried to remember if anyone ever loved him.

The room Andy shared with Billy was small and dark. It contained a set of bunk beds, a bureau, a ratty old green rug and the chair Andy was sitting on. Mrs. Barrows assigned Andy two bureau drawers. Billy owned the other three. Andy did not mind this arrangement because he did not have enough belongings to fill even one drawer. The room did have one small window, but a heavy curtain covered it. The curtain did a better job of keeping out the cold night air then the loose fitting window. Andy could see in the dim light, but a person could not read, or play. Andy sat like that for two-and-a-half-hours. Eventually he heard Billy coming up the stairs. He knew he would face more contempt from Billy, who was two years older, and in the sixth grade. Billy entered the room and turned on the light. He looked at Andy, and said; "It sure stinks in here" He got no response so he followed up with; "Ma said you pooped your pants at school." He laughed and went one step too far. "What a BABY!" Andy's endurance hit his limit. He could not take any more. He leaped off the chair and caught Billy by the neck. Andy was smaller than the older boy, but he punched kicked and bit in an attack so fierce that Billy didn't have a chance to defend himself. Andy continued this assault until he felt Mrs. Barrows grab him by his shirt and pull him off. She threw him against the wall so hard that the window shook in its frame. Both children were bloody. Billy also wore the makings of a black eye. Mrs. Barrows asked the boys what happened. Billy whined his lie, while Andy remained silent. Billy claimed Andy jumped him for no reason. Mrs. Barrows took Andy's silence as an admission of guilt. She told a weeping Billy he could go outside and play. She ordered Andy back to the chair. The injustice stung him like a whip.

Andy sullenly asked to use the bathroom. Mrs. Barrows turned and backhanded Andy's face so hard he tasted blood in his mouth. "You'll do nothing except sit on that chair until you start to behave." Andy felt sicker than ever. He had stomach cramps, and needed to use the bathroom again, but this time he was not begging, because the worst pain of all was humiliation. Mrs. Barrows slammed the door as she stormed out of the room,

Andy considered sneaking down the hall to the bathroom, but fear of Mrs. Barrows forced him to remain seated. His head was hot, and the room spun in circles. Sudden cramps hit him like punches. After a particularly harsh cramp, Andy had another mishap. No one was around, so he allowed himself to cry while it happened. Then the relief came again making him feel guilty and worthless. Totally crushed, he sat there, smelly and soaking wet. He saw himself as the BABY Billy claimed he was. He hated himself. Almost as much as he hated these people who tormented him. He wanted to control at least some of his own life, and not cry anymore, but his misery could not be denied right now. He hoped people would leave him alone, at least until he felt like a "big boy" again.

Andy's existence started out bad and got progressively worse. His mother died when he was born, and his father drank to forget the loss of his beautiful, happy, young, wife. Andy's grandparents lived in California, so he never saw them. He did receive presents and letters every birthday and Christmas, but letters and presents could not replace real family. Andy knew lots of adults, but none of them cared for him. The people Andy knew did not even like him very much. His teachers said he was "slow." His foster mother said he was "troublesome," and his caseworker at the Division of Child Guardianship knew him only as a "Difficult client." Mrs. Barrows wound up with Andy, only because D.C.G. tricked her.

The Division of Child Guardianship removed Andy from his father's hotel room because the hotel manager complained. Andy spent most of his time alone in the room, and the rent usually remained unpaid. This time, no one could find Andy's father, so The D.C.G. put him into care again. Andy lived with his father because the D.C.G. ran out of foster homes for him. When he was little, he was easy to place. That was then. Now he needed his eighth foster home in two years. They called Mrs. Barrows, because she usually accepted foster children Andy's age. They asked if she would keep this nine-year-old; "Just for one weekend." The weekend lasted a month. Andy knew Mrs. Barrows wanted him out. He overheard her talking to his D.C.G. worker on the phone. She said; "Two more weeks, and that's it!" Andy did not care. He did not want to stay here any more than Mrs. Barrows wanted him to.

Andy's legs itched, and he was very uncomfortable. He wished he could wash up and change his clothing. His father always warned, "Be careful what you wish for."

Mrs. Barrows came back upstairs. She turned on the light. Andy saw she carried a bucket and a paper shopping bag. She told Andy "Come." He followed her down the stairs and out into the backyard. It was still bright enough to make Andy squint his eyes, but there was an autumn chill in the air. Mrs. Barrows guided Andy to where she kept the garden hose. Then she told him to undress. Andy couldn't believe it. They were in plain sight of the road and the neighbor's house. He was thinking about what he could do, when Mrs. Barrows hit him. "I mean NOW!" she said. Andy was frightened. He began the task of undressing, but as he unbuttoned his shirt, tears started again. He tried to be brave, but he could not. He began to sob uncontrollably. He could not continue to remove his clothing. He could hardly continue standing. As the sobs racked his body, he felt Mrs. Barrows removing his pants. Then off came his shirt. In a short time he was completely naked. Then cold water hit him so hard it knocked him down. The nozzle on the hose made the water sting. He gasped for air, and choked on a mouthful of water. Mrs. Barrows hosed him down for a long time. When she stopped Andy was freezing cold. He stood up and hugged himself and shivered between sobs. Mrs. Barrows got her bag and took out a diaper, big enough for Andy. Andy was so weak he just went limp as Mrs. Barrows diapered him. Then through the haze of his tears, he saw Jim, a boy from his class, standing on the street watching. He stood there awhile holding his bike. When Jim realized Andy saw him, he mounted the bike and peddled away. Andy was never more hopeless and miserable; "What else can happen today?" Mrs. Barrows interrupted his thoughts with a push. "Now pick up your clothes, and put them in the bucket. After Andy did as he was told, Mrs. Barrows filled the bucket with water. She made Andy wash his soiled clothing in the bucket. The smell was terrible. As the water turned brown, Andy thought he would be sick. Eventually he got the clothes as clean as he could, without the aid of soap or hot water. Then, Mrs. Barrows made him hang them on the clothesline. As he worked, people he knew walked by, and saw him in nothing but a diaper, hanging out his clothes. After he was through, Mrs. Barrows escorted him back to his room. She turned off the light and left him alone again. Andy thought about a news story he saw once, while he was alone in his father's hotel room. It was about a seventeen-year-old man in Paxton who hanged himself in his apartment. Andy had wondered why? Now he thought he knew.

Now, there was no longer even a dim light in the room. Andy felt his way over to his bed and crawled under the tattered blanket he had taken from his father's hotel room. Andy knew some kids who hated the dark, but usually the darkness was Andy's friend. Today, the room was Black as crude oil, but still not dark enough to conceal Andy's misery. Surely there was nowhere as dark as Andy's spirit.

Andy returned to school Tuesday. It was a nice day, so he walked instead of taking the bus. He was nervous other children might tease him about yesterday's accident. He vowed he would "kill" the first kid that made a remark. When he arrived at school Mrs. Kelly was waiting for him in the hall outside his classroom. She took his hand and walked him toward Principal Jennings's office. Andy did not know what was happening, but he thought he might be in trouble for leaving school. He asked; "Where are we going Mrs. Kelly?" They walked past the principal's office. Mrs. Kelly ignored Andy's question, which scared him. Finally they arrived at a door. The Door bore the words; "School Psychologist." Under these words hung a small paper card taped to the door. On it was a name; "Jane Demurs." Mrs. Kelly told Andy to sit in a chair outside the office door. He knew this part of the school. It was the long hall where his old kindergarten classroom had been. Mrs. Kelly went inside to talk to someone. After a short time she came out. She yelled to no one Andy could see; "Call me when he's ready, I'll come down and get him. We don't want BABIES walking around the school alone.

After a while a woman came out of the office carrying a bunch of papers.. She was a big woman who appeared quite cheerful. She wore her glasses on top of her head. Gray hair stuck out in all directions. She looked at Andy with some surprise; "What are you doing here?" Andy replied; "Mrs. Kelly put me here. "Oh, Then you must be Andy." Andy admitted this. "Well, then you better come inside." "We don't want to talk out here." Of course Andy did not want to talk anywhere. He just wanted to return to his class and disappear as he usually did.

The first thing the woman said, when she and Andy entered her office; "Call me Jane, everybody does." "Everybody but me." thought Andy. He said nothing. The big woman dropped into a chair behind her desk. Andy worried that the chair would disintegrate under her great weight. The room remained quiet for almost three minutes, then Jane spoke. "Mrs. Kelly told me you deliberately disrupted her class yesterday." Andy wanted to say "Bullshit," but he just continued his self-imposed silence. Jane tried several times to open a conversation. She brought up sports. That was easy Andy hated sports. She tried girls. Andy did not hate girls, actually he rarely thought about them. Then came the tough part, she brought up computers, Andy's favorite subject next to motorcycles, but Andy stayed strong, and he did not break his silence. Finally after an hour went by, Jane got up from her chair. "Well," she said; "We made a start today." "I'm going to want to see you every Tuesday for a few weeks." "Can you remember that?" "Or should I tell Mrs. Kelly?" Andy would not fall for this line. He said nothing. Jane picked the telephone receiver off its cradle. She dialed two numbers, waited. She asked: "Oh by the way, where did you get those bruises on your face. Without thinking Andy said; "My foster mother..." He stopped. He couldn't trust this lady. "...asked me the same thing." he lied. "I really don't know." Jane said, "Just playing, I guess." Andy dropped his head, and mumbled; "Yeah." Jane returned to the phone; "Mrs. Kelly?" "Andy is ready to return now." She listened then hung up. She looked at Andy and thought for a minute. She shook her head, smiled and told Andy to go back to his seat in the hall. As Andy left the room she started to write.

Andy left the office, and saw Mrs. Kelly approaching. She extended her hand to Andy, and out of reflex, he took in his. Mrs. Kelly then led Andy, not back to his fourth grade class but, across the hall to Miss Martin's Kindergarten. She knocked on the door. While she waited she told Andy; "Since you act like a BABY, we are going to treat you like one. You're going to stay with the Kindergarten today." Andy attempted to pull away from Mrs. Kelly and run, but Mrs. Kelly held him. Andy, now bewildered and frantic thought; what more can they do? He used all his effort to appear unruffled. Eventually Miss Martin answered the door. As Mrs. Kelly explained the plan, Mrs. Martin appeared angry. Andy did not remember her ever looking like that when he attended her class. Miss Martin asked Mrs. Kelly what behavior Andy exhibited. Mrs. Kelly replied in an excessively loud voice; "He behaves like a BABY." Andy just stood there. He became solid stone. He did not care any more. They were treating him badly so now he decided to be bad. He considered what really mean thing he could do as Mrs. Kelly left.

Miss Martin remembered Andy from four years ago. She said; "Hi Andy." She had her pretty soft face back. This was the Miss Martin Andy remembered. She put her hand on his shoulder and asked; "Is it a bad punishment to be down here with us?" "I remember when you liked coming here." Just this small show of kindness melted him. He dissolved into tears again, and sobbed; "I did not mean to do it." "I couldn't help it." "I told her I was sick, but she wouldn't let me go." Miss Martin put her arms around Andy and hugged him while he cried. She didn't try to make him stop, she just said "It's O.K. Andy." over and over again while she held him. The kindergarten children watched him cry. Andy noticed that some of them were on the verge tears too. Miss Martin held him and petted his hair. After he calmed a little she said; "Andy, why don't you sit over here near me?" she steered him toward chair next to the piano. "We were just about to sing some songs." "They are the same songs we used to sing when you were here." "It would be nice if you could help me teach these songs to the children." Andy looked around at the children who were all looking at him. They all looked very serious. He knew they wanted him to stop crying, so he did. Andy could not say he enjoyed spending the day in kindergarten, but he did not hate it either. It was safe, and for a change, he was safe. He also could not think of a mean thing to do.

The next day Andy got ready to return to school. He felt scared and sick again. He made several attempts to get his foster mother to allow him stay home, but she would not. She told Andy that when he misbehaved he should accept his punishments "like a man." Andy did not feel like a man, he felt like a kindergartner.

Andy arrived at school late. He missed his bus on purpose so he would not have to see his classmates who would surely tell everyone he was back in kindergarten. When he arrived at school, Principal Jennings met him at the front door. The principal told him to go to his regular classroom. Andy stood outside the door. He forced himself turn the doorknob. Mrs. Kelly was at her desk. She said, "You are late!" He knew he was late. She shrugged; "Well, go to your seat." He walked to his desk trying not to look at the other children. When he passed Jim's desk he raised his eyes to catch him laughing. Jim was not laughing. He was not even smiling. He looked as the children in the kindergarten looked, rather baffled and disturbed, but Definitely NOT happy. Now that he noticed it, none of the other children were laughing either. As Andy passed, Jim waved at him and. whispered; "Don't feel bad." "Kelly's an idiot, and everybody knows it."

Wednesday went by slowly. Andy went to the bathroom and hid in a stall during lunch. After school he started walking, instead of going to his regular bus. Jim saw him and ran to catch up. Hey Andy, he said: "Wait up." Andy lowered his eyes and moved a little faster. Jim yelled after him; "Come on, Wait up, I just want to talk to you." Andy turned and looked at Jim. "Don't give me any crap." he challenged; "I'll fight if you do." Jim looked surprised; "I don't want to fight you. I want to tell you something, and ask you something." Andy stopped, but he looked at the ground, not at Jim. He pushed a little stone around with his foot. "O.K." replied Andy, "What do you want?" Jim stood next to Andy he also looked at the ground. Jim pondered awhile before he began. After about a minute of silence he started to talk. "What Mrs. Kelly and your mother are doing to you is wrong." Andy interjected; "She's not my mother!" Jim asked; "Who is she, and why do you live with her?" Andy gave Jim his usual lie. "I'm in foster care, while my father's in the hospital." He added, "My mother's dead." Jim exclaimed, "That mean lady isn't your mother?" Andy didn't like this conversation; "I thought you had something to say." Jim nodded yes, as he continued. "Yesterday, after supper, I told my mother what happened in school." Jim Hesitated and then continued in a softer voice; "...and in your backyard."" Andy cut him off; "Oh great, why don't you just put an ad on TV." Andy was really mortified. He wished he could run-away, but his father told him that always made things worse. Jim started what he was going to say, and although Andy's comment made him uncomfortable, he continued. "My mother said that what is happening to you is child abuse." Andy cut in again; "No!" "I've seen the child abuse posters at school." "Abuse is when you get beaten or screwed by a grown up, or when your parents leave you home alone while they go to Mexico." Jim continued as if he did not hear; "My mother, said she is going to call the Child protection people." "She also said to bring you home for supper one night." Jim looked hopeful; "She wanted you to come tonight if you can?" Andy looked annoyed; "That will be a great dinner, we can all sit around and talk about my life." Andy turned and started walking away, but Jim continued to speak to Andy's retreating back; "You ought to see the tree house my dad and I are building in our backyard." Andy stopped and turned around. Jim looked directly at Andy now and added; "Please?" Andy thought a minute and reconsidered. "I don't know if my foster mom will let me. You saw her yesterday, she's pretty angry." Jim smiled; "There's only one way to find out, and we have a phone at my house." Andy felt scared. Trusting new people was hard, but he really needed a friend and Jim was certainly making an effort "Come on!" demanded Jim "It'll be fun!" Andy made his decision. Together they ran down Lincoln Street, kicking through crisp, red and yellow leaves. Andy was not sure, why? but in his whole life he never felt lighter and more hopeful.