blood and urine doping tests

Haha ill try and do my own rubber penis then xD

It didn't work for Withnail.

However, apparently it worked for Mike Tyson.

I do the urine tests where I work. I use a standard cup. It takes temperature and tests for a range of stuff. I'm no where near as fastidious as I should be. A lab howere... You will most likely fail a urine test. It takes at least 30 days to clear your system if you are a regular smoker. 45 days if you are a heavy user. THC lingers in the fat. You can sometimes speed up your results if you work out like mad and drink a ton of water.
I suggest reading up on "High Times" magazine or the like. But you won't have the time to buy a kit online, maybe something local will fill the need. Although, the blood test will probably confirm if you used a kit or not. Labs have seen every trick in the book.
They will also test to see if you watered down your pee. You can't wash your hands until after the test - no running water, or flushing the toilet. They'll put a dye in the toilet, to see if you really peed or not. You will probably not be in a proper washroom, more than likely behind a curtain. And in some cases, they may watch you do your thing...
See if you can postpone your start date. Have a sudden family emergency or something, but don't take this test until you know you'll pass it.

I think you may be fucked. If you're being honest.

You really should had never gotten involved with drugs. You can't change the past. Leave the drugs alone things might get better for you. Depends on who you are.

I'll always have a night or so where I get drunk. I'm not strong enough to leave it alone. I believe it has to do with how deeply passionate of an individual I am.

If I was an employer hiring people for ordinary jobs I wouldn't really care if they did drugs as long as they could do their job.
Depends what the job is of course, for example if I was hiring airline pilots or surgeons I definitely wouldn't take on a junkie

I was referring to I not being able to leave the alcohol alone. I have an intense longing for it within myself.

My dad liked a drink and at first it made him all full of smiles and jokes like an idiot, but as the evening wore on he turned into a monster, glaring at us with hate in his eyes and saying stuff like "I wish the lot of you would get run over by a bus".
I thought "If that's the effect booze has on people I don't want it".
But I tried a few drops in my early teens as an experiment but it all tasted like cat pee and I haven't touch it since, apart from when some ladies have tried to get me drunk and i've gone along with it to be a good sport.
Didn't like it though because my head seemed full of cotton wool and i couldn't think, so i was glad to get my brain back when I sobered up next day..

Perhaps, if you have a big enough coat, you may smuggle a cow into the pee parlor with you. There should be more than enough pee.

My sister told me her hub once asked her many years ago "Is he gay?" (meaning me) because I've never smoked or drank and never married.
"Of course not" replied my sister, "why do you ask?"
"Huh, you're not a real man if you don't drink and smoke" he answered.
He was a hard-drinking hard-smoking Hell's Angel and he died of lung cancer a few years ago but I'm still around..