@tontoiam,
I hear ya.
Although I would be lying if I said that I know how how you feel.
I went through a decade where I gave up on life; all my accomplishments went to ****. All my credit accounts went delinquent.
I saw a therapist, I took Zoloft.
But in the end I had to wrestle with my depression mano a mano.
It's been a long long battle.