When Suddenly The Poor Brown Child...

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When Suddenly the Poor Brown Child Is Sitting In Your Living Room...
(by witchypoo)

No one could possibly understand this ongoing legal dispute without talking about race and class. Some of the family members are Anglo, and seem to have the mean$ for court fees and legal representation.

The mother, and child, on the other hand, are brown. The child's school, which the grandparents have deemed inadequate, is predominately brown. Which might feel scary, and at odds of preparing a student academic success, and for life. It is possible--by some metrics--that other schools are "better" than this current one, which is a partnership between the City and the school district, part of a $14 million community complex that also houses a public library, a health center, a public gym, a police substation, and a senior center. The school represents a grassroots effort by a neighborhood to help brown kids transcend poverty and experience success. To bloom where they grow, in other words.

It might be tempting, if you're afraid of poverty and/or brown people, to just rescue such a child, and plop her down in the wealthiest school district in the city. How nice it might be to believe that all of "the problems" would go away.

A curious observer might wonder about the difference that $50,000 (or so) might make to such a school, vs. being spent on legal fees and naive dreams. Likewise, what if all of those hours of gathering evidence and trying to rally legal and mental health professionals to your cause were, instead, spent volunteering at the school or helping the student with academics?

What do you do, when you're afraid of poverty, and of brown people, and then suddenly, one of them is your grandchild? What do you do with all of your fears, stereotypes, and beliefs? Do you just share them all with the child? Is it possible for a child to be unaffected by that kind of sharing?

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The Number One Goal of Child Therapy
(by witchypoo)

What is the #1 goal of therapy for a child? To create safety. Every kind: physical, mental, emotional. Safety, safety, everywhere.

The job of the therapist is to create a place where a child can feel what he/she feels, and develop a sense of that, separate from the feelings and agendas of the grownups upon whom he/she depends for survival. A therapist who lacks the spine to set boundaries with grownups where the child is concerned is doing something...but it isn't therapy. A great therapist understands that there are lots of different kinds of families.

A therapist who sees a child in a regressed state ought to jump for joy, since the expression of emotion represents an opportunity to learn and to connect (not just a chance to start blaming).

Therapy is not for putting a child in the middle of the grownups' disputes or overwhelming the child. For the love of God, a child therapist's office ought to be the one sanctuary where a traumatized child can begin to heal.

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OOPS!! WATCH THAT 4TH STEP UP, IT'S A DOOZY!! (by witchypoo)

In recovery programs like Alcoholics Anonymous, the 4th Step is an oft-dreaded, but very necessary one. This is the part where a person who is in recovery makes "a searching and fearless moral inventory" of him/herself and how she may have harmed others, and when possible, makes amends.

It must feel great, at times, to start a new life as a sober person. To feel hope once again, or for once. It must be a discouraging hassle to run into someone who still recalls deeds done, and words said, back in the days before sobriety. Some might even JUDGE those who are skeptical that certain new changes in our character and outlook are trustworthy.

But there's only one path to trust. For real, and for all of us. It involves demonstrating empathy for the feelings and needs of someone other than yourself. It involves showing up and asking for nothing at all, just to build a relationship. It involves really accepting that *everyone* around us gets to choose how close they allow us to be.

If we are, hypothetically, a person who has done and said things that denigrate another human being, that person is only self-respecting if he/she refuses to open her heart again, especially if no effort has been made to acknowledge the transgression(s) committed.

It is naive to think one can just wish old hurts away. It is beyond foolish to believe that you can litigate your way into trust.

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Thanks for posting that.

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I've been reading these essays too. Some of the best of the kind I have seen.

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Tremendous writing. I thought .
When Bella Dea showed up I thought I should post these

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@panzade,

Where are these from?

1 Reply

@boomerang,

The court battle our friend is involved in.
PM me for more info.

1 Reply

@panzade,

That's the way to go with this thread, Pan. Good call.

1 Reply

@Lordyaswas,

Thank you kind sir.
You are wise counsel.

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Real Love Looks Like This
(by witchypoo)

http://momastery.com/blog/2014/02/13/we-see-you/

Hi! I want you to go read this blog post, on a site called Momastery. In case you're in a hurry, I'll drop this quote:

"Real love is knowing that tears of exhaustion are not signs that you’re on the wrong track-- tears of exhaustion are confirmation that you are pouring out every bit of your heart and soul and body and mind and energy in service to your people. And that means, perhaps, that you are on the right track. That you are living out a mission worthy of you. Tears of exhaustion are often a badge of honor."

The blog goes on to talk about the real love of single parents and the need to see them, acknowledge their situations, and to support and celebrate them. Which, of course, reminded me of a certain mom we all know. When I thought of her, I tried, as I have so many times before, to imagine what getting through a day feels like for her....when being a single parent is already enough work, and then to be obstructed and torn down by a family member, on top of that. Being challenged financially, when just finding the $ for all the things you'd like to provide for your child is enough of a challenge.

You know what real love is? I think it's about looking your kid in the eye and saying, "We've got some work to do here. It's going to be hard. But we're just going to take it one step at a time, and we have each other. No matter what."

This single mom is still paying $ for legal representation. The challenges continue.....can you help, by making a $ donation? Thanks! If that's not what you choose to do, your thoughts, wishes, & prayers (if that's what you do) are greatly appreciated.

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@panzade,

Bloody good luck with that. Keeping Family Court disputes from destroying therapy and making it part of the problem is s skill the effects of which are constantly undermined by subpoenaing notes or therapist.

Some parents in onging disputes are actually able to agree not to do that, but they are rare birds indeed in entrenched disputes. One can certainly make pleas to the judge not to allow this violation of a child, but the outcome is uncertain. Usually one cannot argue the case for this in person.

Sometimes therapy has to cease because it has become dangerous in the circumstances.

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@dlowan,

I know your take comes from experience.
Thanks bunny.

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Any sign of the situation improving?

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@margo,

I don't see any.
Anyone else?

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From six days ago

Quote:

Bullying is.....(by Witchypoo)

From Wikipedia: "Bullying is the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or aggressively impose domination over others. The behavior is often repeated and habitual. One essential prerequisite is the perception, by the bully or by others, of an imbalance of social or physical power. Behaviors used to assert such domination can include verbal harassment or threat, physical assault or coercion, and such acts may be directed repeatedly towards particular targets."

Please donate.....it helps.

So far $5,700 has been raised toward the goal of $8,000

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Quote:

I apologize for not updating this site more often.
Things are confusing and busy.

Today, I stand waiting to find out of grandma will succeed in her efforts to jail me.

This time, she thinks I should be jailed because I messed up an appointment time. Yes, the situation is that simple.

I fail to see how someone is looking out for the best interest of a child when they are grasping for any straw possible to bury the parent of the child .

Hang in there girl.

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When Suddenly The Poor Brown Child...

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